You have to burn the Wii

You have to relinquish the ketchup

but i'm not done with the ketchup

You have to go south of the hippopotamus
then you'll be able to breathe again

You have to befriend the fedora
Then you'll find true love!

You have to contemplate the rest of the day
You have to optimize the alien invasion
(Presumably in the opposite order.)

"You have to prepare for the coming of the wine cellar"

It's coming (on a thousand tiny legs)
wait
maybe not

You have to revive the friction
otherwise you'll slide right off the world

You have to defenestrate the province of Saskatchewan

RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW IT GOES

SHOOP

THERE IT WENT

BYE
(BYE)

Then: You have to curse the post-apocalyptic nightmare world!

Guess that wasn't such a good move.

All is not lost!

You have to rub the Apocalypse

Then things will get better.
(Aww.)

On the same note: You have to knit the Xbox.
(Oo, soft and cuddly!)
This is all that my Googlings found:

I'm not even disappointed!

Nor should you be!

You have to belittle the grumpy old geezer.

He's disappointed with everything!

You have to have an irrational fear of the venus fly trap

What do you mean, irrational?

You have to flee from the bartender.

Forgot your wallet?

Or: did he transform into a TEN-STORY TALL ALIEN MONSTROSITY?

I would flee from a bartender who did that.

Probably both.

You have to inflict untold horrors upon the general population.
(Is this an instruction to the bartender? Why would he need it? I do that all the time.)

You have to revive the retirement village

This one piques my curiosity.

Has the place lost its life in the metaphorical sense, or the literal one?

Who killed them?
If you revive them, do they become zombies, and are the resulting zombies different somehow?
(Perhaps they become philosophical zombies! Those are the best.)

You have to screenshot the disappointing meeting with a childhood hero

You have to obey the werewolf

You have to flail the legs

to escape
(this post!)