Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Tortoise and the Hare

the tortoise
had a boat
and the hare
had a jetplane
and the hare was like
"Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"My jetplane can access any place instead of just waterplaces!"
"Additionally, it can move faster than a boat!"
"We should race."
"To a place."
"Of your choosing!"
and the tortoise was like
"into that extinguished volcano"
and the hare was like
"But your boat cannot move across the terrain that leads up to the volcano."
"I accept your challenge!"
"I mean your conditions"
"The race is on!"
And the tortoise went up to his boat
and he popped the pop
and the boat began to deflate
pretty slowly
and the hare went up to his jetplane
and he radioed some air traffic dudes
and was like
"Hey, can I get a permitthing?"
and the air traffic dudes were like
"k, hold on a sec"
and he was like
"I don't have a sec!"
"I have a race to win!"
and he hopped into his plane
wait he was already in his plane
ok he buckled his seatbelt
meanwhile, the tortoise was waiting for the boat to deflate
and it pretty much finished
and he squeezed out the remaining air bubbles
and he unpopped the pop
and he smoothed out the wrinkles
and began to fold the boat
into its storage format
being very careful to fold along the lines
which were reinforced
so that his boat would have a longer lifetime
and he would save money by not having to repair it or buy a new one
and he would be able to give it to his son when his son grew up
so that his son could have the boat that he enjoyed so much in his childhood
while the tortoise was folding, the hare was flipping all those switches that jetplanes have
and making sure that he would have a safe flight
and a clear takeoff path
because he didn't want to take risks for a simple race
and he could afford the time, because boats cannot travel over land
and the tortoise
finished folding the boat, and slowly put it in his backpack
making sure that no sharp objects were near it
to puncture it or something
and he put his backpack on his back
and began to walk toward the extinguished volcano
meanwhile, the hare got a message from the air traffic control guys
they were like
"ok, you can go now"
and the hare was like
"All riiiiiiight!"
and he was happy because he wasn't initially planning on waiting for the directions
but it was good that he got them because that meant that his flight would be that much safer
so he started the jetplane
and the jetplane drove down the runway
and took off
and half a moment later, he realized
"Oh dang, the volcano has a relatively small diameter and a relatively large depth!"
"There's no way to land the jetplane inside from this trajectory."
so he landed his plane next to the volcano
and attached some towropes to the plane
and looked into the volcano
and it had a footpath
wide enough for a tortoise
but not for a boat
nor a jetplane
he contemplated this mutual challenge
and telephoned the tortoise
and shared the mutual challenge
and the tortoise was like
and the hare was astounded
and appalled
and ambidextrous
but not especially so at that particular moment
and he waited for a while
and the tortoise arrived
with his back-pack
but with no boat
and the hare was especially ambidextrous at that particular moment
but that was not particularly useful
and he watched as the tortoise walked down the volcanosteps
and opened his backpack
and pulled out the boat
and unfolded it
and pulled out an air-pump
because he did not have the lung capacity to inflate it by himself
in any reasonable amount of time
and he inflated the boat
and put the pump back in his backpack
and closed his backpack
and put on his backpack
and climbed into the boat
and looked up at the hare
and smiled like
and the moral of this story
is that inflateable boats are cool
and that helicopters are cool
and that plane travel has been statistically shown to be safer than car travel, in large part because all those with any control over the situation--pilots, air traffic control people, etc.--are highly trained professional
and in part because airline companies have a financial incentive to not be less safe than car travel

1 comment:

Cavalcadeofcats said...

What a wonderful take on a classic tale! I feel especially ambidextrous, having just read it.