Desmonde and the Snowe-Wolfe of Dartmouthia

Desmonde wasse borne in Isse-Lunde, and he wasse dead.

It did come to pass that Desmonde, residing in the courte of the Isselandic-King, with the men, and the women, and the dogs, and the sheep, and the cattle, and the horses, and the goats, and the children, and the raveners, and the oil-pots, and the unusually ornate tapestries depicting Greate Military Victories over the Ratte-Kinge, defeated some seven years ago, didde hear worde of a terrible creature, being posessessed of fanges, and claws, ande fur, and teethe, ande teeth, and a pelt, ande long tearing nails, stained with the bloode of its victims, and yea, also did it exert a terrible pull upon those metal objects being brought near it, those being such divers items as swords, and shields, ande helmets, and pots, ande kettles, and cross-bow bolts; ande yea, did it frolick among the woodland meadows, and leap, ande cavort, and bring death and devastation upon the peaceful village of Dartmouthia, and also surrounding regions; and yea, didde Desmonde see this as a great injustice, and a tragedy, ande a wronge, to be Wrighted, in the manner of those lawyers and barristers of the Isselundic isles; and yea, didde Desmonde arm himself with sword and bow and spear and cross-bow and spring-launched harpoon; and yea, did he armour himself with a gambeson, ande a hauberk, ande a cuirasse, ande a helmet, ande a shield, ande a large wheele of cheese, being for defense againste the Höfðingi-monsters that roamed the plaines of Isselunde; and yea, did he acquire arms-men, and horses, ande sailors, and long-ships; and yea, did he sail to the easte, for days upon end, such that his men grew weary, and complained, "Yea, certainly we will never see land again!"; and yea, did Dessmonde skewer those that complained with his sword, and his bow, and his spear; and yea, did he hang them upon the maine-maste, up-side down; and yea, there was no more complaining until landfall; and yea, Dessmonde did hunt the Snowe-Wolfe downe, through the forests, ande the fields, ande the meadows; and yea, did it raven moste vigorously, and tore at the horses, ande sent the arms-menne to flight; and yea, did Dessmonde confront it in the manner of the duel; and yea, did it pull at him, in the manner of a lode-stone to iron, or an electromagnet hoisting a car to be scrapped; and yea, did Dessmonde cry out, "Objection!"; and yea, did Dessmonde leap from his horse, and fly unto the Snowe-Wolfe, and stab him many times, with his sword, and his spear, and his spring-launched harpoon; and yea, did deathe come swirling downe.

Verily.

(Forsoothe.)

Sacs de Peix Fresc

THE KRONIKELS OFF DESMONDE

PROLOUGHE

omono, mono nomonomono, ono mono nomonomo mono om mono no om, o mon nono mononomonono omono.

CHAPTERRE 48:

Nowe, wee alle know off the Tymes when the Ratte-Kinge Nikkoulouse reined over the Lande of the Swampes and the Mud-Forestes, and Kessler was upon the Throune of the Bone-Skulles, but what of the oft halcyone Dayes before the Epoches of these Rullers, yea, before the Struggels of Men upon the Lande whence they were bourne, and souffered upon the Yock of hardnesse, and fought in great Wars, upon whiche they employed their Genetales, as Weapones, in the manner of Wormes, who are flatte, and who live in the See, yea, before the Birthe of the Heroe Desmonde, from whence came mane Leggends, and Storyes, and who syred many Childrens, and who took at least two-score-and-five Wifes, who weilded the Sweorde Durendal, and who vanckwished the Kinge of the Rattes, yea, that one, indeede, and nowe wee shall disckover the passings of the Tymes be-fore that Tyme, and off the adventures of his fore Fathers, in the manner of a man in a Brothelle, who took five pence for a Prostitutte, and who enjoyed him self vigourously.

Thus, it came to pass, that, in a Land which was not farr off of the modern Parts of Isse-Lounde, there was a Man, who was called Nikkoulouse to his Peeres, yea, though this was notte the very samme as the Nikkoulouse who was the Ratte-Kinge, in latter Years, though he ressembled him greatley, in the manner of his Goatee, and his Cheste-Hairs. Now this Man, who was Knight-Errant, and who was a Stone-Mason by Trade, and who was six-and-one-half Foot in Stature, and who weighted twelfe Stone, and who had a full Head of Haires, and who had a Genital Piece, which was long, and wyde, and sharpe, and fleicksible. Yea, indeede, he was also a Scolaire, at the Universite, upon Cambridge, and the River which crosses betwixt itte, and a menber of the Clergie, and a player of Foot-Balls, which was a Populaire Game at the Tyme, though it has fallen out of Favour in modern Tymes, due to its Necessitation of Homosexuelle Acts, during the play of the Game, however, wee shall not linger upon this, being Men of Chrisiten Faithe.

Thus, it came to pass, that, in the Course of Humain Events, the Man who was called Nikkoulousse by his Peeres, came unto the Lecture Halles of the Universite, to be instructed in the ways of the Philosophies, and the Arts of Modern Tymes, and the Litterature, and he did that so such then there. However, upon the Riviere, there was another Man, who was called Desmonde, by his Peeres, and who knew the Man who was called Nikkoulouse, in his Youthe, yea, however, this is not the samme Desmonde, who did slay the Ratte-Kinge, and who Urinated upon the Forest, and who Climbed the Mountein on Surrey-upon-the-Thames, and who collected the Excremente of Woodland creatures, such that he may inhale their Fumes, nay, it was a different Tyme, and a different Place, and wee shall not linger upon this, being Men of the Christien Faithe.

And thus, Desmonde, being also a Scolaire, upon the Universite, however he was situated across the Copse, at Oxforde, such that they were able to communicate by the Carrier Pidgeone, withe messages attached to the Legges of the Birdes, who flew across the Rivere, and who were sometimes shotte down by Hounters, and then consumed with a Sauce made of Fermented Wyne. And one day, in the Course of Humain Events, there came a message from the Man who was called Nikkoulouse, to the Man who was called Desmonde, and it said some thing Like this:

"

Senyor President, he de dir que d'una circumstància més meravelloses que m'ha ocorregut recentment, es tractava d'una trobada casual als passadissos del pati, on ens va prendre el nostre te, que era de vegades assaonats amb una salsa de vi fermentat, però apartar, senyor, ara he d'explicar la meva predicament. En un principi, quan tot estava fosc (per la nit que era), em vaig decidir a anar a una reunió d'una societat secreta a la Universitat, que m'havia promès no només l'oportunitat de multa discurs intel lectual, sinó també a molts que aquestes disposicions gratuïtes se'm permet al meu magatzem de subministrament d'aliments per al solitari hivern propers dies. Tanmateix, en arribar al meu destí, que es troba en una galeria de més meravelloses invencions i novetats estrany, jo estava una mica desconcertada en el disseny de la situació, i jo em va obligar a ocupar el seient al costat d'una jove, qui va ser també existeix sobre les empreses, i he fet una petita forma de discurs amb ella, ja que és la meva manera habitual i, a continuació, hi havia un pensament de sobte me, que jo proposició llavors el seu dret i, tanmateix, no en la forma que usted espera, si bé No estic segur que vostè fins i tot el que, essent un bon cristià. De fet, jo vaig fer tal cosa, i m'ha negat fermament, però, no abandonar l'esperança, vaig pensar que no airadamente sortir de la construcció van marxar a casa i utilitzar el gat-o-de nou cues a mi mateix. Els dies van passar lentament com un recompte dels meus contes als veïns, i de sobte el destí em com un cop d'un ou dur i ràpid-home. En tres dies que la vaig veure tres vegades, i cada vegada que una escalada del meu nivell de discurs i els meus òrgans. En el primer dia, vaig dir hola molt tímida, com jo temia per la meva vida sota la pressió de les erupcions solars. En el segon dia, la meva camisa oberta a rodanxes, per tal d'exposar els meus músculs del pit, i va ser degudament impressionat. Al tercer dia, finalment proposition ella, en la forma que caldria esperar, i va ser quelcom acceptable per a ella, però, encara no han rebut un dia concret per al grandiós esdeveniment, i em temo que no pot succeir , i que tot el meu treball ha estat en va. Si aquest és el cas, sens dubte vaig a inscriure en el monestir amb gran pressa!

Atentament,

Nikolous VIII, rei d'Alsace-sur-la-Seine

"

And the Desmonde saw this Note, and he took it upon his Hande, and tore it into Small Pieces, and threw them in to the Hearthe, and That was the End of That.

The Kronnikles of Desmond: Artifacts of the Sacred

Lo, did the hero Desmond come before King Kessler, for was he summoned, yea, to pay a visit, and attend an audience, and listen, yea, to King Kessler, for he was his monarch, and that of all of Isselunde, yea, verily. And did King Kessler speak unto the hero Desmond, saying thus:

"Lo, thou shalt go forth, and find the Artifacts of the Sacred; threefold are they in number, fewer than four, but more than two, are written of in the books of the wise, and there are three of them. The first is named the Skon-Tronei, an ancient manuscript with the answers to all life's greatest questions writ upon it; thou shalt find it in Urey Hall. The second is termed the Scourer of Maws; it is to be found in the grand Emporium to the east, in the hands of a merchant named Ralph."

Lo, did Desmond lean forward eagerly, for he sensed there was something more yet to come; and did he ask of King Kesser, "O Monarch of All Isselunde, what is the third Artifact That Is Sacred, for it is imperative upon me to know, and essential for me to find out, and rather important for you to tell me?" And King Kessler did reply, saying this:

"Lo, it is the Fang of the Great Wyrm MacGuffin, in the Mountains of Svalbard in the East; there you must go, and slay the beast."

Lo, and did Desmond draw back, and did he ask, "O King of Kesslers, could I not sneak upon the creature in the night, and draw its fang from its mouth by stealth?"

Lo, and Kessler did assent that this might be possible; though he clarified, further, in his wisdom, that such a course might end in "the Monster Awakening from its Slumbers, and Biting Down, and Devouring All Within its Mouth." And they did agree that this would be a poor outcome.

Lo, and did the hero Desmond set out. Did he travel to the north, that he might find the Skon-Tronei, in the fabled Urel Hall; and this he did, and secured it within his jeans-pockets. Did he then travel to the south, and therein, after eating of the Steak and the Cheese and the Chips and the Salsa, find the store of the Ralph, and purchase from him the Scourer of Maws. And did he then return to the King Kessler, and present unto him the treasures that Desmond had acquired, and did he say, "Lo, my King, I have done as you have asked, for I am ever thy loyal servant."

Lo, did King Kessler then cry out: "Ah!" he said, "But where is the Fang of the Great Wyrm MacGuffin?"

"I was planning on getting it off Craigslist," Desmond admitted.

"What?" King Kessler asked. "No! You can't do that! You have to get the real thing, straight from the dragon's mouth!"

"So eBay wouldn't do it, either?" Desmond asked.

And itte was goode.

Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 179, Part Thracia

sex. The sixth one this month. One day desmond moved to the plains of Gronthos where he harvested the organs of dragons. They were delicious grilled and fried and served in canapés. And then Nikolas came, with his 25 concubines, and he offered them to desmond for meat, for he was hongrie. But Desmond refused, for he was righteous, and also saw through to Nikolas (the Ratte-kinge)'s true identity, whom he struck down instantly. Then they had sex: the end.

(Two persons alternated sentences in the writing of this post.)

The kronnikles of desmond: Nikolas the walrus

there wasse a daye in the fyne dayes of the sunneshyne of the states of isse-laundde, yea, and while the yoghurt farmers were tilling the fyeldes, and the fyfoltes, and the fyrefockses, and yea, the good shepherdes did come from the caves and trumpertter the gretate daye inne, yea, this wasse the time that the Nikolas, who wasse transformed in to a greate walrusse, by the sourcerour "prynce khavin", yea, his tuskes were steelley, and gleaming in the light streames, and he did decklare in this fyne day, (for he had manie researchers in the wayes of arckane magickes, and yea, they dide disckover that the cure of the walrusse-spelle was to be loved by a womon, who was faire, and beautaceous, and goode, and rambunctious), that hisse weakeness was a vulnerablilty to the wilde leo-pardes of the areass, and this wuse unacceptable to the ratte-kinge, for he was a nationaliste, and a raciste, and it wasse good.

And it came to passe that Nikouls in his ragge did see manie fyne prostitutes of the regione, yea, though they were pleasureable, they dide notte love himme, for they were synners, and shunned by the populaces, and yea, the Nikoals did comme and he did go to the universitie of Iyse-laendde, and he didde attempt to seduce the manie fyne youngge womons in the lectoriums, and the great colloseume, and yea, one of their numbere was indeed faire, and beautaceous, and goode, and rambunctious, all qualities that were reckuired to despelle the spelle, and yea, her name wausse #@$&^@#&$, and Nikolas, seeing this opportunitie, and yea, deciding that he would like to have her, for hisse wyfe, yea, he did come to her and speak that she was indeede faire, and goode, and other thinges, and yea, he did buy her sweetes made of floure, and sugarre, and other thinges, and yea, he did woo her, in the way of knightes, and the classickal tradidouns, and yea it wasse goode.

And it came to passe that the womon did not love him, but he was determined, so he lay a trappe, and yea, he didde go to her yurt, or her ger, the dead of nighte, in the blissardes, and yea, he did take her yak-milk tea, and yea, he did pour into it a potione, which was purported by his researcheres, to cause the love of a womon, yette, they hade never tested it on themselffes, for they were afraid of beckoming the homosexuales, and yea they did send the rat-king a parcel of thie potion, and yea, he did smoke half of it, and he put the other halfe into the yak-milk tea of the womon, and yea, he did journey alonge the steppes, on his horse, with his bowe and arrowes, back to his yurt, or his ger, and yea, he did sleepe.

And the nexter daye, the womon, did not love him, but rather suffered a greate dissease, and yea, Nikols , who was a comsummate gentelmanne, did come to her and raise her to healte, and yea, for this acte of kyndness, she did love him, and yea it was then that Nikols saw the true powere of the potion, for it caused love, but only of the capacity that the men who take it love in their heartes, and it wasse good.

And it came to pass that Nikolas, jubilant, did return from walrusse-forme, and he married the womon, and he becamed he kinge, and she the ratte-queene, and she was indeed quite faire, and rambunctions, and yea, on the night of the wedding, they did retire to the bedchambres, and they did consummate the love of nikolas and a womon, and it rocked the earthe, and yea, it wasse goode.

Chronicles 2: Return of the Pink Slime

SCENE ONE:

SLIME enters.

Slime: Gurgle, hiss, etc.

COMMON CITIZEN enters.

C.C.: Aaa! A slime!

Slime: [Devours C.C.]

SCENE TWO:

Two TOWNSFOLK approach a door.

Townsman One: We must seek the hero Desmond's aid in stopping this slime!

Townsman Two: It's killing us all!

They knock.

KING KESSLER opens the door.

Kessler: Lo, the hero Desmond is on a far journey, to the land of Bretonia! Hath thou ought that may be accomplished without his presence?

Townsfolk: No! We need a hero to save us!

Kessler: Whatever shall we do?

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE enters, caped in SHADOW.

M.F.: Lo, it is I, the mysterious GARGAMEL! I will aid you!

Townfolk: Hooray!

SCENE THREE:

Slime: hiss, gurgle, etc.

GARGAMEL enters.

Gargamel: I will slay you, death-creature!

Gargamel draws a sword and attacks.

Pink Slime pulls the sword from Gargamel's hands.

Gargamel: You have underestimated me, vile beast!

Gargamel draws another sword and swings it at the slime.

Pink Slime pulls the sword from Gargamel's hands.

Gargamel: Well, I guess you estimated me about right after all. LEEEEEEEEROY JEEEEEENKINS!

Gargamel charges the slime and is swallowed.

Slime: Gurgle, hiss, gurgle.

Gargamel punches his way out of the slime, retrieving his sword and slaying it.

Gargamel: Victory!

SCENE FOUR:

King Kessler: Lo, Gargamel, you are a servant of the people. Accept this great treasure as a reward.

Gargamel: Thank you! I will use it... wisely.

Gargamel departs, accidentally stepping out of shadow as he does so.

King Kessler: That was... NIKOLAUSSE! How can he be still alive? And what will he do with the treasure I just unknowingly gave him? Lo, much evil is afoot!

Find out the truth, next time on... THE CHRONICLES OF DESMOND!

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 82: The Ratte-Kinge's Summer Palace

Yea, in tymes of olde, the Ratte-Kinge didde welckome manie commonores to go withe himme to hisse summere palace, and accompanie the royale familie of the Ratte-Kingedomme, yea, it wausse a muche-celebrated event, and one daye, I didde gou withe himme, and yea, this is thate storie.

And it came to passe that we didde embarke for the Ratte-Throne, at the capital citie, where he wausse indeed situated, and yea, the Royale Ratte-Familie wausse indeede there, and they didde provide manie amusinge conversatiounes in the parlour, and the drawinge-roome, and yea, when all wausse done and the trunkes were packed, we did adjourn to the Ratte-Charioute, and it wause indeede large, and cavernous, and mammouth, and grande, and bejeweled from the bow to the sterne, and yea, it wausse indeede wounderfulle, and yea, we werre seated in the greate chariout, and it didde move at a lightninge speede, and it passes manie wounderfulle thinges, and we were indeed vicktimised by capitalism, as we passed a "pryvate roade" on the waye, which was evile, didde collecte manie tolls against usse, and yea, it wause againste the teachinges of the Timmeracke, and it wausse goode.

In the grande charioute, alonge the waye, we didde listen to the Ratte-Kinge's brothere's concubines, and yea, they were unclothed, and yea, they didde performe manie various brandes of emotiounal musick for usse, and yea, they incurred the wrathe of the Ratte-Kinge, for he wausse notte incklined to this type of musick, and he didde execute them, and it wausse goode.

Then it came to pass, that, yea, we didde fynally arrive at the grande Summer Palace, yea, it wausse inddede grande, and lavishe, and splendifirous, and yea, we set up the Chariout in the grande Lot of the Parke, and yea, it wausse indeed sodomised, and it wausse goode.

We then entered the greate parke, and yea, we didde passe manie mosquitoe infested swampes alonge the waye, for the heate was greate there, and then we walked a narrowe pathe, and fynally, we didde enter the greate palace in the parke, and it wausse magnificent, and yea, we did meete more of the Royale Ratte-Familie, and yea, they admitted usse entrance to the Great Palace, and we didde entere upon it, and it wausse goode.

Yea, though the Ratte-Kinge wausse there, he wausse inddede in a foul and terrible moode, and yea, he ridiclued and derided the Parke withe greate vigour, and stinginge witte, and he dide feel quite thirstie, and yea, he didde acquire a greate drinke, aftere thate, we didde wander the greande palace, and gaze in awe of its infinite wonderes, and it wausse goode.

And then it came to pass, that there wausse a greate Walrusse cayve, and we were indeede compelled to entere upon itte, and yea, we didde thusly, and it wausse indeede fascinating, and it wausse goode.

Yea, then the alarmes were sounded, and we didde adjourne to the greate dining halle, where a greate and terrible croude had ammased, and yea they were viciously growinge, and thusly, we didde sneake arounde to the backe entrance, and we didde enjoye manie locale delicacies and specialities there, and yea, the desserte wausse indeed coole, and classie, and yea, we dined withe the Ratte-Family, and it wausse goode.

Then, after all the portraits hadde been komissioned and drawne, then we didde leave the greate dining halle, and then we didde acquire manie giftes for our friendes and falimies, and yea, we did thusly go back to the Lot, where the carres were sodomised, and yea, we didde enter the Royale chariout, and yea, there wausse indded a greate traffick, and it wausse goode.

And then, we didde go to a smalle shoppe in the middle, and we didde acquire manie beverages, and we didde drinke them, and yea, after all that was said and done, we didde returne to the greate capital citie, and we disembarked, and it wausse goode.

The Kronnikles of Desmond (The Found Chronicles)

I discovered this in some school papers I was going through. I recall David at some point typing up some Chronicles of Desmond and bringing them to school. Somehow, I ended up with these. Enjoy. Who put "SEX" here?

The Kronnikles of Desmond

Preface
Desmond wasse bourne in Iselande, and he wasse Deade.

Chapter 1
In the towne of Kraoukosse, in the stonne~walled harbour of Kreofasfo, a young man was bourne to the neighbourhoode boot~cobblerer, and whene it wasse diskovered, thate he wasse a sinister lade, they became infurated with the Father, Mr. Gaspodfk, and they stoned him with stones, that he died. Ande it became so that younge Desmonde wasse raissed in a farme~housese, for that was the Livingsroom of his Grande~Jathere, who wasse a greate faurmer of Turnippes, and so happened to come a greatre Boon in the Season, for young Desmonde soued the seedes of Turnippes, which had been Enchantede, and thus were greate in its Meate, and Fleshe, and thus became his Legacy, as a Greate Trrnippe~Faurmerre.
And it came to pass, that the Archebishoppe, Turpin, whose favourite foode wasse Turnippes, visied the Faurme, for he had heard of the turnippes, which had growne of its Meate, and Fleshe, and had become quite savoury. And it came to pass, that the Archebishoppe, haveing Journeyed to Taste the Turnippes, had found Desmond, the Blessed Child, who had been enchamted withe Magicks, and thus was a Wissard, and he disided, that he be trainede, and it was good.
And so, Desmond came to be trained by the Archebishoppe, who had many times taught him the way of the Sworde, and so he had gotten the skille also of Magicks, and he had Spelles, to Caste, and he did skillfully, and it was good.

Chapter 2
In the mountain kaves, at Afoajsd, there lived a rat~manne, who was kinge, as welle, of the Rattes, and who was Knowned as Nikoulasse. The rat~man, who prossessed greate Skill and Staminae, and had Magick Powers, was not a cool man. He was to duel
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to be continued...

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 66: The Studying of the History

Yea, indeede, that in theire youthe, the Desmond and the Nikoulasse didde indeede studie for a great deale undere the instruction of the greate Hystorie teachere, yea, it wausse goode. And, one fyne daye, there wausse indeede a greate assignmente, yea, it wausse involvynge manie researches and the construcktion of a greate assourtmente of artifackts, yea, and the instrucktionalle posteres, and they didde prepayre a greate and lenghtie speeche, yea, and it wausse aboute the Hystorie, and it wausse goode. And yea, the goode people in the amphitheatre didde assemble into groupes, and yea, Desmond and Nikoulasse didde fourme a groupe, yea, there werre three people who werre unknowne to theme, and yea, it wausse mysteriouse, and vexing, and strange, and yea, they didde worke together on the projecte for manie monthes, and in the ende, they construckted a greate and bizarre showe, and it didde entaileth a greate assourtmente of wonderfulle thinges, and it wausse goode. And yea, latere that daye, they didde presente the showe to the classe, and it wausse goode.

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 55: Nikolasum in absentia

Yea, behold, there wausse indeede a greate Calamitie in the Realmes of the Isse-Landick Skoules, yea, on the goode Daye the the Nikoulasse didde desideth to become myssinge fromme the Classes. And he didde proclaimeth that the wausse off to the "Parke", yea, that wausse indeed hisse Excuse to go and performeth manie evlie Actes upon the Citizenrie and their Livestocke, and it wausse goode. And it came to pass that in the Classe of the Holie Mathematicks, yea, in the Roome, Nikolasse wausse indeed abscente, and there wausse a greate Teste, and a Worksheete of the most complickated Mathemathiticks, yea, it didde beckometh challenging, and diffickulte, and it didde taketh manie Scores of Men great Effourt and Houres to complete it, and it wausse goode. Then it came to pass that in the Greate Classe of the Sciences, yea, in the good Roome, there indeede wausse a greate Fylme, and it didde entaileth greate detayles of the Animales, ande there werre a greate numbere of Salamanderes, and it wausse goode. And then, in the great Halle, of the Meetinge Place, there wausse indeed a greate Congreagation, and of the Isse-Landick Counciles, and yea, they didde counte Nikolase as abscente, and yea, they didde disckusse manie thinges, and they didde play magickal games, and it wausse goode. And then it came to pass that in the centre of the greate Halle, there werre a large manner of the Womens, and they werre indeede sytting on the ground, where they didde contacketh the Earthe, and the Good mannere of Plantes, and yea, it wausse greately vexing for the Isse-Landick counsille, and yea, and it wausse debated for manie houres, and it wausse goode.

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 53, The Most Excellent Examination of the Royal Academy

Yea, it wausse indeede a greate daye in the mouste noubel countrie of Isse-Lande when, in the summertyme, and when the byrds didde chyrpe, and the treese didde swaye in the breeze, and the pondes did beckome eutrophick, and oligotrophick, and yea, there wausse a greate bloumming of the floueres, then it came to pass that the tyme hadde come for the Moste Excellente Examinatiounse for the Royale Ackadamie of Isse-Lande, and it wausse goode. And indeede, the greate Desmond, and the mouste Nouble Mssr. Kessler werre verily in the mouste wounderfulle brayne of the Biologickal Syences, yea, they werre the goode menne. Thus, it didde come to pass that, yea, they didde gou into the Greate Testyng Halle, and they were seatede, and yea, much pleasurable disckourse didde come to pass between them, in the mannere of proper Southern Gentlemen, and it wausse goode. And yea, the questiouns werre diffickulte, and grande, and contryved, and yea, it wausse goode.

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 45: A Meeting at the Chop-Bar

It is indeede true that Nikoulasse and hisse Ratte-Empyre and King Kessler's majestick Isse-Lande Kingdomme dou have their troubeles, yea, Disputes beinge commone in the place, ande the tyme, and yette, one daye, it wausse desided to have a pease conference at the Chop-Bar, there hopefulley to disckuss the remedies and reparatyons of the paste suffereyinges inflickted upon bothe natyions. And it came to pass that The Ratte-Kinge, hee didde present himmeselfe, while Kinge Kessler didde dispatche Sir Matthias, and also a special Emmissarie whou wausse indeede familiar with the wayes and customes of the Ratte-Landes, and theire Kinge. Yea, 'twas myselffe thate wausse invyted to the evente, humbelle chronicklere of the annals of the Regioune, yea, the evente wausse of indeede greate inportance, and it wausse my sackred dutie to dickumente it, and yea, heresoforthe I hath done sou.

And it came to pass that Nikoulasse and the Emissaries fromme the Isse-Lande didde come and yea, they were approached by The Ratte-Kinge and yea, the wausse indeed in hisse grande and fyne Ratte-Chariout, and yea, it wasuee good, and smalle, and ornate in a bizzare fasshioun. Yea, The Three Men (Yea, verilie, this be not the sayme three men fromme the wonderfulle tayles wrytten by Sirre Nikoulasse) didde go and dryve unto the Grande Roade which doth leeadeth in tou the Mouste wounderfulle of Marcketplayses, yea, the Brother of the Ratte-Kinge, youngge Prynce of the Rattes was in the chariout, and yea, hee didde provyde manie mockeries of the Ratte-Kinge, and the aptitude of hisse Chariout-Dryvyng, yea, it didde upsette himme in a profounde mannere. So thus is came to pass that The Ratte-Prynvce didde furthere upsette the balancea and harmonie of the Universse, and he didde demandeth of The Ratte-Kinge if hee wausse indeed a charactere from a Magickal Faerie-Tayle, and Then proseeded to incurre a dilemma as to either mannere of choyce, both inviloyng the devouring of the fleshe in bissare wayes. And yea, hee didde ordere hisse immediate execution forthewithe.

So it came to pass that whence theye hadde aryvved at the Chop-Barre, the mouste Magickal of playses, and the greateste foodes known of Mankinde wausse indeed helde, it wausse so, that they should devoure it withe greate Gustoe.

PART II TO COME!

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 41: Of Matthias the Intrepid

Yea, nowe thate I hauve disckussed and adressed all konserns regarding the most excellent natioun and prinsipalities of Isselande, nowe I shall begin the jorneye of explayning the most excellent Tayle and Chronickle of the good Sir Matthias. Yea, good wausse hee, firm adherent of the good and moste holie Churche of the Timmerack, yea, though sin and vyse hath tempeth him on manie ockasions, hee did holdeth true to hisse beliefes, and hee did remaineth goode and loyale to the Pathe of the Goode, and Righteous Way of the Mathematickal Truthe, and hee did have manie adventures in the goode Landes of the Area, and hee did Summone the Magick Dragounne Kinge often, for 'twas the waye that was goode and Righte, and Desmond did often joyne himme, and it was good.

And it came to pass, that one fyne daye, whene young Matthias, then a lowlie monke, in the temple and most goode and sackred churche of the Timmerack, who wausse devoute, and purre, didde happene to findeth a magickal charoiut, whiche wausse in the gardens, and forbiddeene to the publick and the lowere memberes of the chruch, for it wausse indeed fylled with sin and yea, it wausse sodomous. And yea, the greate Chariout wausse bigge, and faste, and well-konstruckted, fulle of the modern innovaytions, and the like, and stronge, and durablle, and yea, it wausse indeed beautaceous, and it wausse good. Disckoverying thisse chariout, hee desided uponne the momente, that it shall be the propertie of himselffe, and only, for he wausee indeed temptedde by the splendour of it, and its designne. Yea, decidded hee that the disckoverie of the chariout should be keept surreptitious, and yea, at the Nighte-tyme only wausse to ride the magickal devyce, for fear of being disckovered with itte, and confronted withe the evydense.

And it came to pass that Matthias, whou hath benne temptyed withe sin befoure, didde fynde it uncomfortalbele to the mouste degree for hee strove all-wayes to be a goude man of the clergie, and a wyse and honourable man. So it wausse desided in hisse heade that hee should tell the churche of thisse greate disckoverie, and yea, one daye, at the prayer halle, amidst the murmeriung, and the sacred Mathematicks beinge performedde, involving the Vecktours, and the most Holie Crosse-Produckte, hee didde imforme his superiours of the magickal chariout, however, furious they werre notte, as it was not the waye of the Churche. So to repente four hisse sins hee shalt dryve the memberes of the League of Desmonde in the Charoiut, and it wass goode.

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 35: Nikoulasse and the Projectile

Inne the lande of the Ratte-Kinge, there wausse indeed a greate rockette, and yea, it wausse large, and pouerfulle, and yea, Nikoulasse didde seeke to launche it atte the Kingdomme ouffe Isse-Landde, and yea, Nikoulasse didde summoune a well and bryallante teame of scientysties, who were the beste in the lande, and who didde prossesses the knowledge of the calculus grande, and yea, they didde bringe foruth unto thisse lande a means of launchinge thisse greate rockette, which wausse indeed an ideale projecktile, and didde have the pouer to cause greate distresse and unhappynesse, and yea, it wausse good and welle, howevere, King Kessler, whou didde indeed heare of thisse insident, didde caulle upon hisse owne scyentieste to designne a similarre ideal projecktyle, and yea, they were both fyred at the sayme timme, and yea, the projecktyle of Nikoulasse wausse verily launched at an angell of twentie degreese from the grounde, ande withe an iniyal speede of five hunderd and eighy kilometres per seconde, and yea, the projectyle of Isselande wausse verily launceeth at an angell offe thyrty-fyfe degreese, and at a speede of four hundred and fifftie kilometres per seconde, and yea, itte wausse nevere desidedde whethere they didde interseckte, and yea, now it isse uppe to you to decidde if they didde interseckte.

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 31: On the Founding of Isselande and Desmond's Rise to Fame

Yea, and noue that I hath elabourated muche on the subjeckt of the Mormonic Tranquilitie Gardenes, it shall be fytting that I shall now give extenssive diskourse on the topick of the founding of the Greate Nation and Countie of Isselande, ande its Prinsipalities.

Desmonde wausse bourne in Isselande. This we knoue to be true. And yette, when he wausse bourne, the soon to be glourious nation of Isselande wausse butte a smalle, weake state dominatted and subjugatted by the mighty collosus of the Ratte-Empyre, whiche rulled the regoiun with an iroun fiste. The regioun of Isselande was a cragged, ragged little stanty-village, and the outskyrts whou livve upon it. Yea, this peoples werre indeed not verie joyous, nor werre they jocund, but rathere, they were indeed greately oppressed by the mightie claus of the Ratte-Empyre and its domimitaiong policies.

And fromme this smalle place, there wausse a man the M. Kessler, an intellectualle type, which delighted in the studies of the variuose and wounderfulle bookes and the sciences, and yea, he wausse indeed a wise and just man. And it came to pass that one daye, while hee wausse strolling in the gardens, which were indeed drye, and pale, and sallowe, hee didde come to the realisation that Isselande was not destined to an eternitie of subjugation from the Ratte-Empyre, that it deserved to stand strong, and proude, as a greate natione, and one that would be just and wise, and peacefulle, and wounderefulle.

And yea, hee didde spread hisse ideas to manie peoples, and yea, he didde carrie muche charisma, and style, and easie mannere, and an eloquence in speaking of oratorie skilles, yea, hee wausse indeed unrivaled in Isselande, and the populace did listen to hisse speeches, and they didde indeede rallie behinde himme, and yea, the Ratte-Empyre didde deteckt this behavouiour, and abberante, and yea, they didde censure himme, and they didde censor himme, and yea they didde incarcerate himme for manie tymmes. Howeverre, though in the prysonne cells, the goode man didde deliverre hisse messages to the populace, for the guardes in the towere werre not verie intelligent, and verily caried his letteres to be reade to the publick. And yea, the powere of his revolutionaire ideas didde spreade, and it wausse goode.

And it came to pass that the fires that hadde been burninge inside the heartse of the newly confident and brave Isselandians didde breake free, and yea, there were massive revovtes, and majour armed insurgencies, and yea, it wausse indeed bloodie, and a large degree of causualties, and yea, there wausse valiant fightying amongst the Isselande militia, howevere, the immense and far superiour Army of the Ratte-Kinge was indeed powerefulle, and they didde easilie crusheth the small armies.

And it came to pass that Desmond, now a young man, and having lived in the waurs for a goode pourtion of hisse life, and witnessying the bloodshedde, and the manie atrocities that werre inflickted on the peoples, wausse indeed verie troubled in the proprere course of aktion. A man of few wordes, and goode at hearte, and a firme adherente to the goode church of the Timmeracke, and a devoted man to his comrades, and brayve beyond his pride. Desmond wausseindeed a good fightere in the militia, and hee did shoue greate potential to be the great fightere. And yea, he was a good soldier, and his famile had been Swedish once.

And it came to pass that one fine daye, as Desmond wausse indeed praying for successes in battles, at the most holie altere of the Timmeracke, the goode Matthias, whou wausse the Archbishoppe Turpin, whou wausse indeed a devout man, and goode, and kindly, as a grandfathere is tou hisse younglinges, didde come unto Desmonde, and hitherto he didde spaketh unto himme thus:

"Goode Sirre! You are indeed a wourthie gentelmen, and yea, for youe there laye in waithing for you the greatest and moste powerefulle sweord and that will helpe you defeate the evile Ratte-Emypre once and forre alle.

"Heavens! I must seek to beckon you to reckon to ask you where I mithe find the sweord."

"Sirre! I must tell youe that you mush be good of heart and the best warroure to seek the sweord for there is a quest, and then you must reckon with Fate."

"Then I accepte. I believe that I am capable of such a quest."

And thus Desmond and Matthias did embark on theuir queste to find the goode sweord. Incidentally, this hath been the firste introducktion to the sacred poweres and magcikas of the Magick Dragounne Kyngge, which Matthias hath introdussed to Desmonde on their Journie. With manie satchels of elf droppyngs that hee had koleccted in the enchanted forest, the goode Matthias did show Desmonde howe to summone the Magicke Draygouene Kyenge, and it wausse goode.

And it came to pass that the travelerres didde at laste come upon the most holie lake, where the Durendal continueth to subsisteth, and guardet by the Most Holie Order of the Guard of the Most Holie Sweord the Mose Holie Lake.

A booming, majestick, serene voice didde cometh from the sparkling lake, the font of immense powere, and yea, it wausse the voice of the Fischerdude, the commander of the Guard of the Holie Sweord Durendal. And he didde peer into the soule of Desmonde, to ascertaine whethere it wausse pure and cleane enough to wielde the holie sweord.

And it came that the Fischerdude didde ascend fromme the magickal lake, and yea, hee didde spaekth unto Desmond in this mannere:

"Younge one! You have now trulie proved your wourth, and yea, now, with no regret, I did hereby bestou unto you the most holie and magickal sweord: Durendal!"

And yea, it wausse an ancient weapone, yet still as bright and firm and stronege as the daye it wausse bourne, and gilded, and encrusted with exotick gemms, and it didde possess winges, and featheres, and it wausse the lightest sweord, and yette the most powerfulle, and with the sharpest blade, and thate could splitte a papere throught the side, and make cuts withe perfeckt accuracie. A sweord that didde glowe with the most holie powere, and that didde lighte uppe in the heate of battle, as a shininge beackon to the troops, and that didde imbue Desmonde with godly poweres, and the poweres unmatched, to that hisse powere level didde rise in a most alarming fashoiun, and it wausse indeed much, far, over nine-thousand.

With his newfound glorie and strength, and his shining armour, blessed also by the Fischerdude, wausse indeed moure ready for battle than ever hee or anyoune else wausse evere befoure orre aftere. He fastened his cummerbund tight, and ran, sprinting, charging directly into the heate of battle.

He slasheth and swoung hisse mighty blade, and hee didde charge uppe hisse coumbo attacke, for this sweord wausse indeed imbued withe thate magickal powere, and hee didd gain a further inckrease in attacke, and yea, it didde turn the tide of the battle in the favour of the newly revialised and moralised and invigourated Isselande militia, and seeing Desmond lead their waye to vicktorie only streenghtened theur resolve, and the battles were woune easilie, and the vicktories piled up, and thus the cycle was finally peneterated, and yea, full victory was nevere taste sou sweet and pure and refreshing, especially with a light dusting of powreded sugarre, and fruit paste (for it wausse readily eaten in thosse dayes), to accentuate the flavour.

And, thus it came to pass that the Ratte-Armie, which now hadde the tabels truned upon themme, and badlie running oute of vital and necessarie supplies, and withe troope morale at an alle tyme lowe, didde finally give in to the demandes of the Isselande, and a peace treatie wausse drafted, and yea, it wausse longe, and extensive, and yea, it didde provide for full Isselandick independence, and yea, it wasusse goode.

And as the papperes werre signed, it wausse decleared that the goode and wise and just M. Kessler would be crouned kinge of the newly independent state, and indeed, there wausse a greate coronation seremonie, and he wausse indeed prounounced King Kessler I of Isselande. And it came to pass, that over time, hee did never become corrupt, or unjust, but always remained true to his goodeness and justice, and he wausse well-loved by the peoples.

And as Desmond returned home to hisse newly liberated countrie of Isselande, he wausse indeed given a great and massive reception, and he wausse indeed selebreated acrosse the lande, and there not existed a soule whou didde not love himme (In a purely platonic sense, of course). And it wausse propossed by manie, manie peoples that there be helde a greate and wounderfulle seremonie in this honour.

For at this seremonie, there wausse indeed muche clamour, and exsitement, and it wausse to be sou that Desmond, for hisse braverie and the Ratte-Battle wausse to be pronounceth the Great Herou of Isselande, and the Highest honours of the Lande be conferred unto himme. And it came to pass that Desmond did ascent the steppes, and hee approacheth King Kessler, head boued, and with as much respeckt and dignitie that one could mustere, and it wausse goode.

Ande King Kessler did demande an oauth of loialtie fromme Desmond, and yea, he replied thusse.

Ande Desmond did spaekth unto himme: "Sirre, it is my dutie to serve youe, my kinge, and to fighte the fources of evile, and tyrannie, and badde thinges, and the ratte-armie, and yea, I shall continue to be loyale and honourable, and goode.

Ande withe this, the King Kessler didde pronounce himme as the Great Herou of Isselande, and yea, there wausse much rejoysing, and singinge, and merriemaking, amoung the populase, and they didde have a great festivalle, and it wausse there that manie licquors were comsumed with great gustoe, and yea, there were strange wommen, and the fighteres did know them, and they didde boure childrens, and it wausse goode.

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 29: The Mormonic Tranquility Gardens

Yea, I hath nou elabourated muche on the subjeckts of The Origines of the Ratte-Kinge, and also of the Glouriouls Adventures of Desmond, the Noble herou of Isselande. But now I shall begin a comprehensivve chronickle and historie of the regoins and areas of the most Glourious nation of Isselande, and their Serene Majetic Pulchritudes. And yea, I shall begin with the Historie of the Mormonic Tranquility Gardens.

In a purre and majestick and most serene lande, there flowed fourth fromme the magickkal Rivver of Graagous, a most beautaeceous and splendidde Gardenne, that didde sparkkle with sempiternalle bryalliance, in the sunlighte. And yea, it didde contayne manie plantes, and triees, and floueres, and smalle woudlande creatures, which didde frolick peacefullie in the meadous, and yea, the wauterres that floued from the sanckuarie wausse indeed cleare, and true potable, and sweete. And it came to pass, that the Ratte-Kinge, upon hearing of thisse magickal place, whene the Ratte-Magistrates and Surveyours hath spake unto himme of it, and consyderring it a fyne lockation to builde a summere palace, whereupon, like all Rattes, he would consume hisse excrement. Yea, hee hath dispached a smalle armie to claime this Magickal place for himmeselfe, and upon this knouledge reachinge Isse-Lande, the goode King Kessler didde ferverentlie decklare that this lande mustte be resserved for the sole benifit of the Citizens of Isse-Lande, The League of Desmond. For King Kessler didde know that the Ratte-Kinge would use this Lande for Purposses of greate Evile, and yea, that should be notte allouwd to come to this most Holie Lande, and it was good.

And with thisse, The Greate Herou Desmonde wausse dispatched by the the Kinge Kessler, and yea, he did journey for manie myles, and it wausse difficulte, but Desmonde hath prepareth for this contingeicie by bringinge sevveral satchelles of Elf-Dungge that hee hadde koleckted in the Enchanted Foureste. And yea, hee didde summoun the Magick Dragone Kingge manie tymes to give himme strengthe duringe the journie. And it came to pass that Desmond hath reacheth the Gardenne where the Ratte-Kinge and hisse Ratte-Troupes hath setteh uppe an enckanpment, and yea, it wausse fortified with cannons, and mortares, and pestels, and cummerbunds, and yea, it was good.

And it came to pass that Desmond didde come unto the encampment, and yea, upon seeing the Ratte-Kinge plotting the evile councquering and subdueing of the Magick Gardens, and also viewing their Splendour for the firste tyme, and being amased and in awe of the Bueatie, and didde resolve fyrmlie to defeat the Ratte-Kinge, and his Ratte-Guardes, thene and there, and it was good. And yea, Desmond hath spake and shouted manie insultes and profanities unto the Rattes. And yea, hee didde utter hisse final boaste.

"I've never known fear! As a you-"

"Silence!", Nikoulasse crieth.

"Fool! Dou not interrupte my speeche, for I am a mastere of wourdes. And my Famile had been Swedish once."

"Enough! We shalle dou battle. Now, have at you!"

And yea, there wausse a greate battle, and it wausse fought valaintlie on bothe sydes, and the Ratte-Guardes didde give their lives to protecte thier Kinge, but yet, they werre nou matche for the power of Desmond and his sweord. And he Unsheathed Durendal, and it was good. And yea, hee didde use manie attackes, and bloode wausse spilt, but in the Ende, the Rattes didde retreate from the Mightie powere of Desmond. And it came to pass that the Ratte-Encampment wausse removed, and burned, and then burned again, for it wausse well known that the Ratte-Kinge, Nikoulasse, dothe consume hisse own excrements, and it was good.

And it came to pass that the Gardene wausse named the Mormonic Tranquility Garden, and yea much of the goode-times were had there, and it wausse made into a splendide National Parke of Isselande, and yea, the people didde enjoy tea (decaffainated, or course) and biscuits there, and it wausse indeede verie good.

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 25: The Rise and Fall of the Rat-King: Part II

And nowe, the Ratte-Kinge wausse verliy happie in hisse neue posytion asse the King of the Ratte-Empire, and yette, hee wausse indeede destined to falle, and to consume hisse excrement, as all Rattes must dou. Nowe, in the Kingdom, clovds of disastere loummed. And yea, the ratte-Kinge's slow descente into madnesse was imminent.

At the firste, the Ratte-Kinge wausse a noble and just Kinge of hisse peoples, and yea, he didde rule wisely and with a sage-like mannere. And it came to passe, that at one of hisse manie and frequente parties (for he wausse indeed verie jocund), he didde invite his counsels and magistrates fromme all ackrosse the lande, and yea, they camme in droves, and yea, much funne wausse hadde on the Magick Teleportation Boxxe, and also the Magick Dragon King, and indeed, one game didde stand oute abouve the resste. A favourite of all hisse many chieftalins and viscounts, this game involved a Magick charoiut, and that the lords and ladies did guide with their waundes, and they didde try to obstryuckt each other's pathes, for this was a commom occurence the Ratte-Empire, and yea, a goode time wausse hadde by alle.

And yette, despite the goode-tymes and lively atmosphere of the partie, it wausse indeed where King Nikoulasse did apporache his breakying pointe. The stresses and pressures of rulyinge the Kingdom wausse indeed putting greate troubles on the Ratte-Kinge, and yea, he wausse distraught. But when one of the locale magistrates, who didde try to winne the favour of the Kinge, didde supplie as the vittles on the partie surphace, and yea, didde beringe manie wounderfulle and exotick foodestuffes from hisse houmetoun, which wausse Ice-Lande (He hadde come to the Ratte-Empire to seek a carreer in arm-polyshing, and the Ratte-Empyre being the prime spotte with for the universities and expertes on the mattere), and Nikoulasse, begin of avertioun to this streange foodes, it didde upsette himme verie muche. Ande this magistrate, who had tried to gain his Favour, now didde inckur his wrathe, and it wausse goode.

Thus, at the conclusion of the partie, when the festivities and the jocundity wausse stopped, Nikoulasse didde mamage to passe off the offensive foodstufes to the Magistrate from the Far Northe, who was kindhearted enough to accept the burden of burying such foul-materiales. But the dammage wausse done. From that pointe onne, he wasse inclined as to for hisse generalle distaste for Ice-Lande, and yea, the people who do comme for msuch Regione, and it wausse Goode.

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 24: The Rise and Falle of the Ratte-Kinge: Part I

I have spaketh of Desmond and his Epick tayles, and yea being it so, I have made manie grievous an errour, as being of the fackts that I have notte once paussed and to explaineth the origines of the Ratte-Kinge. And, yea, beinge that I hath notte elabourated quite throughlie on the subjeckt of the Ratte-Kinge, as thusse, it becomes my sacred dutie to do such.

The Ratte-Kinge wasse bourne in moste humbel circkumstances, and hee wausse indeed a memberre of the loweste Ratte-Caste. His birtheplace, which wausse indeed surrounded by Ratte-dunge, dide notte forboude of his latter meteoroic risse to the grandeste possytion in alle of the lande. Hisse birthe-nayme, it being Galgamothe, and as suche the younge Rattelinge, did takke it upoun it himmeselfe one daye to becomme an intellecktuale typpe, as this wasse rarelie donne in those dayes of Ratte-timme, and thus even lesse kommon in the Ratte-Slummes, where younge Galgamothe lyved. Being it thus, hee did seek enlightement through the holie churche, and he did become a scribe, after manie yeares of harde worke and dedication to the holie churche. And yea, one daye he did praye in the prayer halle, and yea, the Holie Timmeracke-Angelle did descende unto himme, and yea, hee did shough younge Galgamothe the way of the Mathematicks, and the way of the vecktorres, and thusse, he didde becomed enlightened.

Howeverre, as younge Galgamothe soone disckovered, the most sackred Mathematycks that hee didde learne from the Timmeracke wasse in vayne, as he cound not descipherre it at the rapide payce that the Timmeracke explayned to himme. And yea, hee wausse disckouraged, but his dittermanation perserverred, and hee didde cotinue to praye, in orderre to disckoverre the holie mathematicks of the vecktorres, and yea one fine daye, under the instruction of his clergie elderres, and his tutour in the instrucktione of fine and advasnced mathematics, and that of the Holie Sigmata, and of the Seriesata, that he didde becomed enlightened enoughe to comprehende the sacred Mathematicks, and yea, with this new knowledges, hee didde sette oute to risse up in the socyal order, partickularly with the aid of the Church, and yea, he did becomme a powerful marchante, and yea, hee didde prosper for manie yeares, and it wausse goode.

And it came to pass, that the proude and brave Galgamothe, who didde become the Ratte-Hero, through the Chruch and the holie mathematics, which were the Gateway to the Timmerack, and of which Galgamothe was masterre, did become the Kinge, and he didde choose his Royale name to be King Nikoulasse I, of the Most Holie and Wounderfulle Empyre of the Rattes.

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 19: The Battles of Haustoria

After Desmond's vicktorie at the battle on the Harbour, hee wausse indeed feeling verrie haughty and proude. And yea, it did have much dire counsequensesses. And yea, when Sir Matthias, a welle-respeckted menberre of the clergie, did come bearing gyfts and goulde treasures in his saffe-boxxe.

"Heare me! Men of the Sweord! Thou hast fought welle, and yea thou shalt be rewearded in generouse!"
"But Sirre! I Hath fought in the Warre against the priates for several weeks! And yea, I desire much to slake my thirste for treasures! Make us wait notte! Open ye safe-boxxe anon!"

And it came to pass that hee did offere itte to the Celebratours, and yea, Desmond did inflict grievous injuries to Sirre Mathias. Because it came to pass that when Mathias offeres the goulde and treasurres, Desmonde, who had fought in battles and was want to quenche his thirste of treasurre, did wantonlie reache into the satchelle, and did precure a lagre handdefulle of gouldes, ans this dissapouined Sir Matthias, and yea, he was offended, and yea, hee didde prohibit the taykinge of gould from his boxxe, and yea, Desmonde wausse upsseet. And it came to pass that Desmond in rage, partlie by the heate of battle, and partlie becaouse of the withdrawl of gouldes of Sir Matthias, that the did attacke himme, and yea, the Blood spilled, and it was red, and it drippeth over the ground, and it was goode. And yea, Sirre Mathias, being a memberre of the clergie, did heale himself, and yet the damage wausse donne.

And it came to pass that a surreptious event had coincided with this spectacel, that Nikoulasse, the Ratte-Kinge, didde by chanse disckover a large partition of foodstuffes on the general grounds, and yea hee didde pick this uppe, and yea, he wausse fuled for severlale mounthes, and he wausse the ratte-kinge, and yea, he did comsume his excrement, as all rattes must do.

Chronicles of Desmond Cast

DESMOND: Noble Hero of Isselunde, his home and native land. Regularly goes about slaying monsters with his trusty blade, Durendal, visiting the 'magic dragon king', and dying. (Even death cannot stop him for long.)

NIKOLAUS: Arch-villain and eternal foe of Dessymonde. Formerly known as 'Galgamoth.' Presently inhabits the form of the 'ratte-king', a creature of unknown power.

KING KESSLER: Noble monarch, ruler of Isselunde. Rarely appears; prefers to work behind the scenes.

MATTHIAS: Likes to visit the 'magic dragon king' with Desmondio.

MAGIC DRAGON KING (MDK): Smoking 'elf dung' (or other euphemisms) 'summons' the Magic Dragon King, who takes you 'flying' with him.

DAVID: His power level is incomprehensibly high. This does not explain the fact that he has never appeared. Possibly he was rolled up in a Katamari, or hit by a Star Destroyer, or something else along those lines.