WOMON SAGA IV

(Translated by the Honourable M. Kelsie Higgums, Ph.D., who, at the time of the work, and, having given up the vile habits to which he was accustomed, was suffering supreme discomfort, due to withdrawals, and was quite paranoid.)

ONE DAY: In the mistes of the tyme, and when the rain droppes swirled acrosse the nighte skye, like a pattren not unlike the chariout of the Kinge drapying ackross the countie meadowes, was there a greate calamitie, for the Nikolas, who, not two dayes earlier had been in the presesnce of manie lively thinges, thwhicich were goode, and solide, like a snake, and did he seek to make a womon not a virgin any longer, though he was a gentle man, and not base, such that he did politely speake of it in a lettre, which was writtein on a parchemente, which was 20 cubits long, and thus whide, such that it encompassed a greate parsel of lande, and he wrote upon it with guilded toungue, and he sealed it with waxe sealse, and it was goode.

And he took the letter, and he affixed it to a post outside the barn, which had been tied down with sand-bags, and he tied it up with several knots, and with the glue derived from his horse-bones, and he un-tied the sand-bags, and the letter flew free upon the currents, and it was directed by the will-o-the-wisp, for he had taken a chant to it, and it flew to the womon, in not more than three days, and it was good. And it came to pass that the Nikolas, knowing not though that his message had been successfully transmitted across the great oceans to the womon, did despair, and dismay, and he fell into a depression, and he was soothed by distractions, such as the dirigible.

And the next day, while the Nikolas was on his lawn chair, and drinking bourbon, and smoking a cigar, and listening to the grass grow, and the sun beat down upon his brow, such that he had to wear a straw hat, did the wind currents shift, in a Northernly direction, such that in the breeze, was a letter in the wind, and did it fall upon the brim of his straw hat, and did he see it, and did he open it, with a knife, and did he anticipate dreadful consequences, and it was good.

And it came to pass, that he did read it, and yea, his suspicions were confirmed, that it was an ill omen, and was it foreboding, and did it entail many missives, such that they converged upon a singular thought, as it were, that he should not take the womon to a place, such that it would be pleasurable, for the womon was in Ipswich, which was twenty thousand furlongs from his present location, and was thus unable to take the night trains there.

And the Nikolas was very sad, and he soothed himself with alcohols, and strong herb, and it was good.