Saturday, November 22, 2008

The History of Thanksgiving

(Loosely based on a conversation overheard earlier today.)

The Pilgrims stepped onto shore, their faces grimy yet shining in triumph. They had crossed the Atlantic! They had reached the New World!

One pointed to a big rock nearby. "This rock will be called... Plymouth!"

The others looked at him. "Why?" they asked.

The proclaimer was saved from answering when a pack of wolves was spotted, approaching from the woods to the west. "My god!" the assembled Pilgrims shouted, terrified. "Wolves!"

They panicked. "No-one told me there'd be wolves in the New World!" one whined. Another bellowed, "They'll eat us from the outside in, starting with our eyes!" A third screamed, "God, god, don't let them eat my babies!"

This panic was almost certainly unwarranted.

The wolves stopped before the ship, where musket-wielding Pilgrims now quivered in their general directions. Then the wolves turned into Native Americans.

"How!" one amiable sort suggested.

Then everyone ate corn and turkeys!

Later that night...

A dark shadow drifted over the Native American village. Squaws and braves alike shivered in their teepees. Squanto turned over, mumbling something about "delicious human flesh". (In Werewolf Native-Americanese, of course.) Shapes formed out of the darkness, and silent as the night itself, entered the Native American dwellings. (The night was pretty quiet. Otherwise there'd have been a lot of cricket-noises and owl-hoots and it would have been very embarassing for everyone.) They knelt down to where the Native Americans slept - and drank their blood! Then, refreshed, they left the way they had come. As they departed, one of them passed before the moon, revealing their true appearance. (The narrator is on the ground somewhere, I guess. Maybe he's a frog, or a cricket.)

Anyway, we were about to reveal the vampires' true appearance.

They were the Pilgrims!

They came from the Old World to seek freedom of religion - and also to suck blood!


This needs some backstory. Let's arbitrarily redefine all of history in terms of some ridiculous war between vampires and werewolves. That'll make everything better.

One - the werewolves roamed the land. They weren't touched by original sin, because they were made from Adam's zeroth and negative-first rib. They were magic! Everyone liked them. Unicorns and rainbows followed them everywhere they went.

Then Cain - or Kain, because "k" is "kruise kontrol" for "kool" - murdered his brother Abel. (Maybe Abel was a werewolf too. See, he was actually Kain's half-brother, he was a bastard sired of the space-werewolf Lilith... that doesn't actually make any sense, so let's go with it.) So Kain was cursed by God to turn into a vampire! (They're properly vampyres, because ys are also cruyse control for cool. I will refer to them as vampyres henceforth.) Anyway, Kain was cursed to turn into a vampire. It was such a terrible curse that he became immortal, gained the ability to turn into a bat or a cloud of mist, and could control people's minds by sucking their blood. He gained vulnerabilities, too - to the sign of the Cross, garlic, and a stake through the heart!

Of course, Christianity wasn't invented for a few thousand years after Kain became a vampire, and a stake through the heart is notable for also killing humans, so those vulnerabilities are kinda underwhelming. (Vampires aren't vulnerable to daylight in this continuity because that would be boring. Obviously.)

Anyway: historical background!

So, the werewolves were totally ticked off at Kain because he killed Abel, who was one of them, and they all knew the truth telepathically. (They're telepaths, too.) So they tried to kill Kain. But Kain was totally a brooding antihero, and he killed tons of them. (In no small part because of the Law of Conservation of Ninjutsu.) Kain raised an army of vampires and exterminated all the werewolves around the Mediterranean! Then he headed to China and killed all the werewolves en route. It was totally epic! But you don't get to hear about it.

The Arabs were totally werewolves. That's why Europe hated them so much! Christianity was a vampire religion - ironically, I guess? Irony's big with vampire fans - and Islam was a werewolf religion. (Thus the crescent moon.)

No, wait, wait. The Jews were all vampires! (See, they had to have come from Kain - it's not like Adam had any other kids, right?) So they had to hide from the Christians - but they had all the wealth and power. All that stuff about 'secret Jews' and 'Satanic Jew rituals' - totally true! The Inquisiton was a trick - it only persecuted poor innocent witches and vampires that didn't obey the Vampire Code. (There's a Vampire Code now.) The Protocols of the Elders of Zion was written with help from a rebellious, nonconformist vampire - the Deep Throat of his day!

Jesus was a werewolf vampire. Which... I don't know, maybe Mary was a vampire and God is a werewolf? Just roll with it.

Anyway, anyone important ever was a vampire or a werewolf. Christopher Colombus? Vampire. De Sota? Vampire. British Royal Family? Hell, they're even vampires in real life. (Don't try to deny that one, royalist-fanboy/girls!) The Americas were populated entirely by werewolves! The Conquistadors were just continuing their age-old rivalry with the werewolves when they butchered and enslaved the populace. No ethical qualms there!

Okay, that's probably enough background. We were talking about the Pilgrims. They were hanging out, abusing the natives' hospitality, making farms and houses and stuff. One day they had a celebration feast. "Hooray!" they shouted. "It's Thanksgiving! Fall quarter is nearly over!"

Then - dramatically - something crashed through the ceiling of their feast-hall!

"What the heck is that?" one of the Pilgrims asked.

"It looks like a giant floating cybernetic brain," Squanto guessed. (In Werewolf Native-Americanese. He didn't know the English word for "cybernetic".)

"YOU WILL ALL KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!" the brain thundered.

And that's the story of Thanksgiving!

1 comment:

mr sex said...

i learned a lot from this educational and historically accurate story