Sunday, November 23, 2008

King Nikolas: Kidnapped!

(Sequel! Though you don't have to be familiar with the original to enjoy this stirring tale, collaboratively drafted between the inimitable Mr. Zhang and myself.)

(Content warning: This post contains gratuitous Dutch and libeling of undeserving acquaintances.)

King Nikolas was on the top of the world. (This is good, because otherwise he would be underground.) He had a gold rock, and a staff. His name was Mansa Musa! He was very happy with all of this.

But then he was kidnapped by robots from space!

This made him less happy.

"Who are you?" Nikolas asked his captors. "Where do you come from? Why have you taken me from my home, in a small country in Africa, and imprisoned me on the Moon?"

Just then came a clomping noise from beyond the door to Nikolas's cell.

A grim visage appeared before King Nikolas. It looked like de Nikolas - "Or," King Nikolas realized, "Like Van Dijk!"

Grim indeed!

King Nikolas realized the seriousness of his situation. "You're robots from a factory on the Moon!" he cried. "And you-" - this said pointing at the terrible face before them - "-you must be the Dutch King of the Moon Factory Robots!"

"U HEBT GELIJK," the Robot King agreed.

"But why have you kidnapped me?" King Nikolas protested. "I have done no wrong!"


"But that's simply not true!" King Nikolas said. "I have made advances on no-one, and I took pictures of one 'womon', at most..."

"Wait," King Nikolas said, as the Robot King's guards approached to deliver summary justice. "You have been misled, Your Majesty - and I think I know the culprit."

"Wie?" the Robot King asked, holding a hand to stay his guards a moment longer.

King Nikolas told him.


King Nikolas, the Robo-King, and a swarm of Robo-Minions appeared on the lawn of the Enemy. Nikolas knocked on the door. Presently, it opened.

"Who is it?" said the Enemy, evidently a bit groggy. A buxom beauty leaned on each of his shoulders, for it was the power of the Enemy that he might act in any way to a "womon" without repercussion.

"It is I - he who you have wronged!" cried King Nikolas, robo-horde gleaming behind him.

"It you!" cried the Enemy, alarmed. "How did you realize it was me?"

"Once I realized that it was slander involving 'womons', there was no other candidate," King Nikolas said with an outstretched finger. "No other might have uttered such vile calumnies and been believed - except you, Ryan Tseng, enemy of all that is good and right in the world!"

Ryan's eyes darted back and forth desperately - and set upon the face of the Robo-King.

"Override one-delta-one-zero-tau!" Ryan shouted. "Override, override, override!"

The Robo-King's eyes glowed red. "EEN EEN EEN NUL EEN," he intoned, and with one lurching movement had King Nikolas in chains.

"No!" King Nikolas cried. "Betrayal most terrible! How can this beeeeeeee!?" he wailed to the sky.

Ryan kicked him over onto the ground and laughed. "Ha!" he laughed. "Ha, ha!" Then he embraced the Robo-King.

He embraced this.

"Oh, my good friend!" Ryan cried, much relieved. "I was truly worried there for a moment - but your mercenary nature has saved me!" Then he paused.

"What are you doing?" he asked of the Robo-King, whose arm was clamped uncomfortably tight about Ryan's body. Also, glowing.

King Nikolas answered him - now free of the chains, for they were but a ploy! "He is draining you of your powers!" Nikolas said. "You are growing weaker by the moment - and when you are done, we will have the ability to have social intercourse with 'womons', and you will be doomed!"

Then they took two of Ryan's harem and left to their separate, happy existences, leaving Ryan to a doom that he richly deserved - the poetic fate of being left with his own harem, all of whom now hated him forever.

Happy end!


mr sex said...

This was the best thing ever

mr sex said...