Wednesday, November 12, 2008


(Translated by the honourable M. Kelsseye Higgums, who, at the time of his writings, had taken several drams of opiates, which were injected by the hypodermic, such that he was quite detached from the world-at-large, and prone to fits and seizures.)

ONE DAY: Yea, behold, in the springetyme, when the floures take upp rootes in the grounde, and absorbe wauter, that was not the tyme of the womon-tyme, but 'twas in the wintre, when white and grey snowes couered the earthe, and timbre felle, and things that were alive becomed not alive. 

And the Nikolous did stiffen his ressolves, and his organes, and he did take his genitalies, againste the Christian mannerismes, and he did pull them uprighte, such that they were prominetlie dysplayed in his britches, and he did goe to the womone, who was by the by, and he did pass in a strikinge pose, and the womone did take hearte, and they mette, and they engaged in intercoursse, which was not un-Christian in nature, yea, tho it involveth the fournicationes, in this casse, he did not unclaime her as a virgine, nor did he penetrate her, in the sensitive places, for he was a gentle-man, and it was good. And they did say, let us meete, in the river-dam, by the papyrus, and in the sand, where the rivere flowes, and it was so.

And it came to pass, that on the morrowe nexte, yea, did he goe to the river-dam, and he did see a womone, and he did lighten upp the oile lampes, and he did fasten his spectacles, and he did tell of the properties of the oile of vitriol, and the soda ashe, and the quick lyme, in the manner of Aesculapious, or Hippocraties, and he was enheartened by the quickness of his toungue, like a knive it wasse, and it cut through the fogge, like a shippe in the sea. And the womon spoke unto the Nikolas, the man-who-was-a-ratte, and wonderous tales were tolde, and hearde, and they came unto the braine of the Nikolas, by the grace of God, and they fesstered, such that they were muche appreicatied, however, upon returning to his clay-hut, he did affixe a lettre explaning his dilemma to a colleague in the mitiarie campaignes in the weste, in Syria, and Ethiopiea, to the legge of a pidgeone, and the pidgeone did fly, and did it circmunavigate the earthe, by the grace of God, ere it reached the destinnation. And yea, in the letter, which was longe, and convolouded, and he expressed many ille sentimentes in it, which were not Christian, for they did differe from the doctrine of the apostles, yea, in many respectes, for they had hatefulle, and suspiciousse wordes, and talk of "charming gentlemenne", who are highlie skilled in the dealings of the womones, and who wear turtle-skinnes upon their necke, as symbools of their prowesse, and how the womon in questione did gravitiate towardes theese gentelmenne, and how the Nikolous was much affournted by this, and it was goode.

1 comment:

Cavalcadeofcats said...

I'm pretty sure I commented on this. But now there's no proof of it. Peculiar.