Thursday, November 06, 2008

On the Parenting of an Ethan

It is a common misconception that Ethans are born, like you or I. Some people assign specific parents to Ethans - even my own! (To think - me, blood-brother to an Ethan?) It is the purpose of this post to correct such regrettably common errors by explaining the true nature of an Ethan.

First, the Ethan's chassis is assembled from parts. Most Ethans are roughly identical in this respect, built in large factories dedicated to Ethan-manufacturing. There is a small community of Ethan-part hobbyists, who build their own customized variants, but the Ethans made by hobbyists make up a negligbly small fraction of the total Ethan population.

After the chassis is assembled, there are two parts that must be taken from other sources - these are biological, thus allowing the Ethan to be defined as a cyborg, and perhaps explaining the confusion of those who think that Ethans are born from two parents.

So, the second step of Ethan-making is to give him hair. An Ethan's hair is essential to his proper function - it contains sensors and neural networks governing pathfinding, collision detection, and threat/hygeiene-avoidance techniques, among other things. This is another point on which the uninformed balk and falter: they cry, "But hair is dead! Surely Ethans are not just cyborgs, but products of foul necromancy!" This is untrue. It is the hair follicles that are transplanted in the creation of a new Ethan -and the hair follicles are alive! No necromancy is necessary for the creation of Ethans. (Though some hobbyists practice necromancy anyway, due to habit formed with creating pre-1.6.20g-model Ethans. They claim it creates a "smoother," more "natural-sounding" product.)

With the Ethan assembled and hair inserted, most Ethans are complete. A few specialist models have another step - adding a heart. However, this is expensive, and only really used in academic contexts. In either case, the Ethan is promptly programmed and sent out to live a long and healthy life, Ethaning aggressively.

I hope this has been an education for everyone!


Kelsey said...

This has been an education for me!

Cavalcadeofcats said...