Cymistry

Robert stood, his face shining in triumph. "I have it!" he cried.

Then he looked in a mirror.

"Holy crud, my face is glowing!" he said, dismayed.

He considered the matter for a moment.

"Will have to put less phosphorus in the next batch," he decided.

-

Three hours later, Robert stood in the same place, his face shining only metaphorically. "All right!" he said, delighted. "This time I know I've got it right!"

He checked in a mirror, just to be sure. Then he nodded in relief.

"Okay," he said to himself. "Now that I've got the serum perfected, I'll just ramp up production - pump out another five doses or so. Put it in a bag, bring it to the meeting place, and I'm set!"

Then came a knock at the door.

"Hello?" Robert said, surprised. He wasn't expected any visitors!

The door burst inward, and through it rushed a very large man with a gun.

"Holy crud! Holy crud!" cried Robert, dismayed. He froze in place, hands upraised.

The big man cast Robert one glance and then ignored him. Instead, he occupied himself with piling furniture in front of the door.

"...hello?" Robert said, rather nervous. "What are you doing? Who are you?"

The windows shattered, and half a dozen women came through, clad in metal armour. They seemed physically identical to each-other.

"Holy crud!" exclaimed Robert. He decided to take cover in the stairway to the basement. (He was still watching.)

The six women leapt at the large man, hissing in hideous, wordless rage. Their opponent let loose with his gun, which spat green fury. Their combat blew holes in nearby walls.

Robert was sad. He liked his house. He liked it less when it was filled with smoking holes.

Then came a booming voice. Cast out from some unknown source, it proclaimed, "Beware, evildoers! Your reign of terror will soon come to an end! I, ULTRIMION, proclaim it so - for now I will beat you into submission, but soon I will have the powerful chemical 3-hydremeloth with which to neutralize you once and for all! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

"That's not a real chemical, dude," Robert loudly said. He wouldn't have, but, well - he was a chemist! He couldn't just let that sort of thing slide.

The furniture barring the door was suddenly flung away, revealing the magnificent, shining figure of the hero ULTRIMION - who seemed rather sheepish in tone. "Um. It's not 'hydremeloth'?" he asked.

"'fraid not, dude," Robert told him.

ULTRIMION looked puzzled, considering the matter. "Was it hydrocomine? No, probably not. I know it started with an h..."

The intruders continued brawling, messily and noisily. ULTRIMION ignored them.

With a start, Robert realized something. Dashing down the stairs to his basement lab, he returned moments later with a bag filled with coloured liquid in his hand. "Is this it, dude?" he asked.

"Why, yes!" ULTRIMION exclaimed. "Where did you come by such a thing?"

"Dude," Robert told him, "I'm your supplier. You went by 'Bob Page', right? Some kinda secret identity?"

"I.. couldn't say..." ULTRIMION said, his perpetual radiance turning a red of embarrasment. "Look, could you just give me the stuff? We'll sort out the secret identity thing later."

Robert shrugged. He handed the chemical to ULTRIMION.

One very dramatic and exciting fight later:

ULTRIMION stood ten meters tall, holding the misbehaving-miscreants in one hand. "Now your reign of terror comes to an end!" he shouted.

"Look, Bob," Robert said from about his ankles, "Could you give me the payment? I don't run this lab on charity, you know."

ULTRIMION flushed red again. He looked up. He looked down. "I wasn't expecting to meet you here. I don't exactly have my wallet here..." he mumbled.

Robert shrugged. "Whatever, dude. Another time, I guess."

"I'll fix your roof!" ULTRIMION cried, struck by a sudden inspiration. He looked down. "And... the rest of your house."

Then he turned into a toad.

Hooray for chemistry!