Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The kronnikles of desmond: Nikolas the walrus

there wasse a daye in the fyne dayes of the sunneshyne of the states of isse-laundde, yea, and while the yoghurt farmers were tilling the fyeldes, and the fyfoltes, and the fyrefockses, and yea, the good shepherdes did come from the caves and trumpertter the gretate daye inne, yea, this wasse the time that the Nikolas, who wasse transformed in to a greate walrusse, by the sourcerour "prynce khavin", yea, his tuskes were steelley, and gleaming in the light streames, and he did decklare in this fyne day, (for he had manie researchers in the wayes of arckane magickes, and yea, they dide disckover that the cure of the walrusse-spelle was to be loved by a womon, who was faire, and beautaceous, and goode, and rambunctious), that hisse weakeness was a vulnerablilty to the wilde leo-pardes of the areass, and this wuse unacceptable to the ratte-kinge, for he was a nationaliste, and a raciste, and it wasse good.

And it came to passe that Nikouls in his ragge did see manie fyne prostitutes of the regione, yea, though they were pleasureable, they dide notte love himme, for they were synners, and shunned by the populaces, and yea, the Nikoals did comme and he did go to the universitie of Iyse-laendde, and he didde attempt to seduce the manie fyne youngge womons in the lectoriums, and the great colloseume, and yea, one of their numbere was indeed faire, and beautaceous, and goode, and rambunctious, all qualities that were reckuired to despelle the spelle, and yea, her name wausse #@$&^@#&$, and Nikolas, seeing this opportunitie, and yea, deciding that he would like to have her, for hisse wyfe, yea, he did come to her and speak that she was indeede faire, and goode, and other thinges, and yea, he did buy her sweetes made of floure, and sugarre, and other thinges, and yea, he did woo her, in the way of knightes, and the classickal tradidouns, and yea it wasse goode.

And it came to passe that the womon did not love him, but he was determined, so he lay a trappe, and yea, he didde go to her yurt, or her ger, the dead of nighte, in the blissardes, and yea, he did take her yak-milk tea, and yea, he did pour into it a potione, which was purported by his researcheres, to cause the love of a womon, yette, they hade never tested it on themselffes, for they were afraid of beckoming the homosexuales, and yea they did send the rat-king a parcel of thie potion, and yea, he did smoke half of it, and he put the other halfe into the yak-milk tea of the womon, and yea, he did journey alonge the steppes, on his horse, with his bowe and arrowes, back to his yurt, or his ger, and yea, he did sleepe.

And the nexter daye, the womon, did not love him, but rather suffered a greate dissease, and yea, Nikols , who was a comsummate gentelmanne, did come to her and raise her to healte, and yea, for this acte of kyndness, she did love him, and yea it was then that Nikols saw the true powere of the potion, for it caused love, but only of the capacity that the men who take it love in their heartes, and it wasse good.

And it came to pass that Nikolas, jubilant, did return from walrusse-forme, and he married the womon, and he becamed he kinge, and she the ratte-queene, and she was indeed quite faire, and rambunctions, and yea, on the night of the wedding, they did retire to the bedchambres, and they did consummate the love of nikolas and a womon, and it rocked the earthe, and yea, it wasse goode.


Cavalcadeofcats said...

That was lovely, if, um, racist/leopardist/homophobic/something. A... an appropriate note on which to end this SAVE THE BLAG DAY.

King Kessler said...

So that's how one gets a womon to love one! I oughta try that.

As should you!

And you! Yes, you.