Monday, December 08, 2008

Troubles with Adventurers

An adventurer walked carefully down the stairs, sword in one hand, shield on the other, a plethora of equipment upon his back. As he reached the bottom of the stairs, a robed figure rounded the corner, magic staff in hand! Reacting quickly, the adventurer swung his sword once, lopping off the necromancer's head. The head fell to the ground; the body collapsed in a heap. The adventurer smiled broadly - a great start to this delve! - and knelt to check the body for loot.

At this point, things became strange.

"That was very offensive," the head remarked.

The adventurer gaped.

"I mean, look at me! Now I'm a talking head! No arms, no feet... what a mess."

The adventurer continued to gape.

"I'll expect an apology, to start, and then you'll need to help put me back together."

"You're crazy!"

"No, I'm beheaded. Why would you even do a thing like that?"

"'re evil! You're in a dungeon!"

"What? Just because you see someone underground means that they're evil and you can start
lopping off heads at whim?"

"You were wearing black robes, and had a glowing red staff in your hand!"

"So what? That doesn't... that doesn't correlate with anything! I hadn't done a thing to you! Wasn't even trying!"

"Would you have?"

"I'd answer, but - and I'm going to emphasize this - it doesn't even matter! I didn't do a thing! What we're talking about is your actions - which, I feel obliged to note again in case it slipped your mind, have left me a disembodied head!"

"You're - you're insane! I'm leaving!"


Minutes later, elsewhere, the adventurer confronted a pair of metal doors, completely sealing off the exit from a large, vaulted hall.

"Your approach of indiscriminate violence not working out for you, eh? Funny how that happens," the necromancer's head mocked.

"What - how did you follow me? You've got no limbs! Not even a torso!"

"Maybe if I did, I could help you out. Not that I'd want to, now. Because you chopped off my head and ran away!"

"Look, just - shut up. I need to get this door open."


" I can go through. Why else?"

"Has it occurred to you that maybe this gigantic, steel, locked, door might be here for a reason? Maybe it's to keep something in!"

"Look, here - switches."

"Damn it! Just come back here and help! You'll regret it if you don't!"

"Flip one, flip two..."

"It is not a good idea to open that door!"

Clunk, clunk, thoom.


"Damn it, don't go through the door!"

"Don't open the door. Don't go through the door. You're trying to use me, nameless necromancer's head!"

"Of course I'm trying to use you! I told you exactly what I want you to do - help get me a new body! Going through that door won't be good for either of us!"

Fwoosh went the torch; off went the adventurer.

"And what do you mean, nameless necromancer's head! I have a name!"



Thoom, thoom, thoom, thoom, thoom...

"Well, I hope he's happy. Being as he's now headless and dead."

"Kinda ironic, that. What with what he did to me."

"Come to think of it..."


Arcane incantations, and a burst of red light.

The adventurer arose; red-glowing staff in one putrescent, zombified hand, necromancer's head carefully balanced on the other. The head crinkled its nose.

"It could be worse.", the head suggested of its situation. "I mean, it was worse, when I was on the floor, totally beheaded and all."

"But", the necromancer's head continued, "this kinda stinks."

And that's the end of our show!

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