Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Snuu

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" wailed the Orkish Warboss. "WE WILL KILL THEM AND EAT THEIR SKULLS FOR OUR LUNCH! CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!"

Then came a terrible thunder. From behind the Imperial lines, a bright flash radiated outwards; in its wake, all the Orks could see was darkened by comparison.

"HUMIES GOT DEM PSYKERS!" one of the Ork Nobz complained. "DEY BEEN 'PORTED IN SUMTIN' BIG!"

The Warboss slapped the Nob with his enormous power-claw, knocking the eight-foot-tall Ork to the ground. "SHADDUP, YOU! ORKZ AIN'T AFRAID OF NO HUMIE PSYKER!"

"YEAH!" another Nob chimed in. "ALL DEY GOTZ IS BRAINS - AND WHO NEEDS DEM?"

The Imperial lines parted. A figure, unclear with distance, approached.

"DAT AIN'T NOTHIN' BIG!" the first Nob complained. "WHAT DEM HUMIES BE TINKIN'?"

A cluster of Grutchkins approached, milling about at high speeds. They held what appeared to have once been a telescope, long since wrecked, reassembled from parts, and wrecked again; a Nob yanked it away, only to have the Warboss immediately confiscate it and swat the offending Nob upon the head with bone-crushing force. As the Nob staggered about, dazed, the Warboss put the telescope to his eye. "WHAT'S DIS, NOW?" he asked, incredulous. "IT JUST A TINY LITTLE FUZZY TING!"

"WHAT DEM HUMIES BE TINKIN'?" the Nobz asked en-masse, now unified in their confusion.

"WHATEVER," the Warboss declared, tossing the telescope aside. (Neither it nor the grutchkin it hit fared well from their encounter.) "WE DON'T GOT TIME TO BE SITTIN' AROUND ALL DAY. WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" the Orkz cried. They set themselves to charge.

Distantly, but still with a remarkable clarity, there came a counter-cry: "Waaaaaaaaaaaaargh!"

"WHAT'S DIS?" the Warchief asked. "DEM HUMIES DON'T BE USIN DEM GOOD NOISES!"

"WHAT WE DO?" one of the Grutchkins asked, still standing (unwisely) nearby.

"WE GOTTA MAKE A BETTA NOISE!" the Warboss said.

"YEAH! WE CAN CONFUSE DEM!" a Nob said. "DEM HUMIES ARE PRETTY DUMB."

The Warboss took the initiative, as was his role. "WUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAARGH!" he yelled.

"WUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" the Orkz echoed.

"Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" came the reply from the Imperial lines.

The Warboss tried again. "BJAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" he roared with deafening strength.

"BJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" the Orcz cried, with even more intensity than before. They had a mission!

"Bjaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" the strange warp-spawned creature answered.

"WHAT IS DAT TING?" one of the Nobz asked.

"I HEARD OF DEM!" another said, slapping himself on the forehead. He fell to the ground; the first Nob picked him up. "WHAT? WHAT?"

"IT'S A SNUU!" the first said. "IT'S-"

The Warboss slapped both Nobz sensless. "NO MORE CHATTERIN'! NOW, WE FINISH DIS! NO SNUU'S GONNA OUT-SHOUT ORKZ!" The Orkz cheered in agreement.

The Warboss readied himself. He pumped air in and out of his lungs; grutchkins crawled onto his back to assist. When he was ready, he shook them off, opened his off, and with eardrum-shattering intensity-

"SNUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUFLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

The Orkz' accompaniment was a pale shadow in comparison.

For a long moment, silence hung like a shroud across the battlefield. The Orkz slapped each-other on the back and rattled their weapons loudly, firing off a few shots in the air.

Then the response came, belated but stronger than ever from that furry, adorable Snuu: "SNUUUUUUUUUUUFLAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

The Orcz fell dead quiet. The Warboss pulled back his head and roared, but his time it was an animal noise of frustration and rage. "WE LOST DIS TIME, BOYZ," he admitted. "BUT WE'LL BE BACK!"

As the Orcz retreated, the Warboss shook his power-claw once, and then turned to follow his men: first into battle, last to leave. Already he had begun to hunt for his Mek-Boyz, desiring them to construct some kind of mekk to out-shout the Snuu.

The Imperials rejoiced. The Orkz were cast back! The peoples of Exoria VI were safe another day!

The Snuu, warp-spawned abomination that it was, promptly met the open end of a bolter after the end of the battle. Its scattered remaines faded back into the hellish Warp from whence it came.

Victory!

1 comment:

Calvacadeofcats said...

what a visceral depiction