Tuesday, December 09, 2008


As the Government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the law, religion or tranquility of Musselmen; and as the states never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mohometan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinion shall ever produce an interruption of harmony existing between the two countries...
"LEFTENANT JOHNSON!" the Mussleman Captain roared. "WHERE ARE YOUR BRAINS?"

"INSIDE MY SHELL, SIR!" replied Leftenant Johnson promptly, just before being beset by a sudden wave of doubt as to why he was speaking English. He overcame it.

"That's better!" the Captain said, placated. "Now get out there and DO YOUR DUTY FOR MUSSEL AND COUNTRY!"

Leftenant Johnson boarded the waiting ship. Then he participated in boarding an American vessel for purposes of high-seas piracy!

"No!" cried the American merchant captain, terrified by the thought of losing his hard-earned cargo. But he could do nothing!

Then came a cry. "Heave to, scalliwags! The Marines have come to town!"

It was the USMC, led by heroic Lieutenant Stephen Decatur, Jr.!

"Arr!" cried Leftenant Johnson, who was suddenly beset by doubt as to why he bore a German military title. He overcame it. "It was written in [our] Koran, that all nations which had not acknowledged the Prophet were sinners, whom it was the right and duty of the faithful to plunder and enslave; and that every mussulman who was slain in this warfare was sure to go to paradise! Arr!"

There was a battle!

The actual battle was even larger than this image!

Shockingly, the Mussulmen lost.

"Huh!" cried Leftenant Johnson, who was beset by a sudden wave of doubt as to his role in perpetuating negative sterotypes of Muslims in Western media. He overcame it. "I would have never guessed that we would have lost this battle, even with all the contextual hints provided by the form of the narrative!"

Then the fourth wall shattered, all the water fell out of the ocean, and all the ships got stuck at the bottom.

It was awkward, and kind of embarrassing.

The End!

1 comment:

Kelsey said...

I feel compelled to note that the molluskmen portrayed herein could not, in fact, do it.