Wednesday, December 10, 2008

A message of the futture

The 2nd of December, in the year of our Lord 1756.
In the office of the Earl, upon the town, Sex, upon Ipswich.


I am please to relate to you recent Events which should be of Great Interest to you, and chiefly pertaining the Actions of a Colleague of mine, Monsieur Nikolas Féinbérg, from Normandy, and whose Interactions with the Ladies of the Town are sure to delight the Fancies of Educated Men. 

The Man, who was quite an odd Fellow, as described from the Perspective of several Dukes of the County, was born S. 1730, of a Noble Line, and, recently, is educated at Cambridge, whereupon he caught my Attentions, when I observed him ministering to a young Lady upon the Township. This Lady, with whom was I intimately Acquainted, was familiar, thusly, and, having described my Relations with her extensively in previous Discourses, I shall not elabourate further on the Matter.

He, being a Frenchman, and well-versed of a course, in all Manner of Eloquent Speech, which doth strike the Ears of Ladies that they are wont to Marry the Man who speaks thus, or maketh copulations in his Bedchambres otherwise, did go upon the young lady, and make Discourse, and invite her to his lively Supper, by the Hearth, where there would be several members of the Nobility, of which was sure to Impress her, and indeed it did, even such that when he invited her to his Bedchambre that Evening, she went there Readily, and they lay together, though, he, being a Gentleman, did not fornicate with her, or as so he relates to me, and I cannot be completely Certain of his Forthrightness. However, the young Lady, feeling ill at ease with M. Nikolas upon her, like a worm upon a Leach, did move to the county of Devonshire, in the South, where she wrote a Letter to him expressing that she did not wish to continue the Intercourse with him.

In the course, M. Nikolas, lustful after another young Lady, following the Incident, did go upon the buildings of the University, in his way, making sure to flaunt his Silk-stockings, and make Friendly Smiles and Gestures at each Lady that walketh for by, until he had, at his Leisure, several Maidens with whom he was intimately acquainted. And, as was his Plan, as he relateth to me, one of the Maidens, who was in a course Particular fond of Him, he spake to her of many Things, including his Christmas Holiday, of recent, in which he went Abroad, and also of the Academic Events in which he was engaged at the University. 

Then M. Nikolas, being possessed of a mating Instinct, did call upon that young Lady to come unto his Residence, at Northumberland, whereupon there would be a Grand Ball, and for which, he related to me recently, he would be dressed in his finest Silk-Stockings, as well as a powdered wig and Cravat, and a Cloak of Ermine, and Sable. And he also related to me, in a Gentlemanly Discourse, that he would take a band of minstrels, from the North, which were famed over the County for their lively style of Music-Making, although, he telleth me that he doth regret it now that he reflecteth upon it in the Future, for they did make many foul and ribald Japes at the ball, for which the Nobles' ears were offended. In thus, however, I decided to take the Chance, and attend a Concert of theirs at the Local Theatre, and found it surprisingly Pleasant, contrary to M. Nikolas.

And so the young Lady came to the ball, and she delighted M. Nikolas with her fanciful ways, and Exotic Dances, and her silk Clothing, and a Shawl. And there was much Games played at the ball, with Cards, and Gambling, and M. Nikolas engaged himself in several rounds, in which, he saith to me, his Bowels did shake with the Hunger, and he ordered a Servant to bring him Meats, and Breads. In the course, M. Nikolas, not wanting to soil his playing Cards, them being made of Silk, and lined with Gold, and Orichalcum, did take the meat, which contained much Grease, and put it between the bread, which was Dry, and he ate the Concoction with one Hand, and I saw that it was a marvelous invention, and shall be sure to Delight and Impress many fine Ladies with the Technique at Future balls which I shall have the Pleasure to Attend.

And thus concludes the Most Extraordinary tale of M. Nikolas, and his fanciful Ways.

John Montagu IV, 
The Earl of Sandwich

1 comment:

Cavalcadeofcats said...

That was magnificent

Such gentility!

I doff my stockings to you, sir.