VLAD THE IMPALER versus COUNT DRACULA

They face off on a cold winter's night in Wallachia. Count Dracula is deadly pale, dressed in a gentleman's clothes and armed with an aristocrat's foil. His opponent, Prince Vlad "the Impaler" Dracula, is armored in light chain-mail and armed with a morningstar. He has several hundred soldiers behind him.

"I have the power to turn into mist, summon creatures of the night, and also influence others' minds," the Count comments off-handedly. "Also, I can only be killed by a stake through the heart."

"I command the nation of Wallachia," the Prince replies. "And I have a habit of impaling defeated enemies on wooden stakes - slowly, so that they don't die of shock."

"I don't suppose that would go through the heart?" Dracula asks.

"I rather think it would," Dracula responds.

"Then I'd best avoid that!" Count Dracula shouts, and transforms into mist. Vlad charges him, swinging his morningstar, but little comes of it. His soldiers charge, brandishing holy symbols; they are ambushed by creatures of the night (wolves nipping at the flanks, bats flying into their faces to blind and demoralize) and turned against one another by subtle manipulations. In the chaos, Vlad whips out a two-foot lead cross and thrusts it at the Count. Hissing, the count transforms back into a human, bending away from the cross. Vlad swings his morningstar, and (with inhuman strength) the Count parries with his foil. They stand there a moment, locked together. It is a tense standoff!

Then, out of nowhere, Vlad Taltos (occasional assassin) swoops in! His jhereg companion (a sort of carrion-eating, lizardy flying creature) drives Vlad the Impaler back. Vlad Taltos attacks Count Dracula with a Morganti (soul-sucking) dagger. The Count is very nervous! He is undead but a touch from a Morganti blade will kill anything! He shifts at the edges, growing hair as he considers transforming into a wolf and shrinking slightly as he thinks of becoming a bat. But Vlad Taltos keeps him too busy to do anything!

The soldiers are still fighting, and are too busy to be any help to anyone. Vlad backs off, and his jhereg circles around and joins him. The three (Dracula, Vlad Dracula, and Vlad) eye one another, waiting to see which one will flinch first. The Morganti dagger emits a nearly-inaudibly keening, which just makes the whole thing worse.

Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks his way though the crust of the earth and right into the center of the fight! And there's not a thing any of them can do. The end!