Friday, February 15, 2008

The Kronnickoelses of Desmoundde, Chappterre Fourre-houndredde-and-fyfe

Yea, this Chroonickle shall contayne a great appendum of many occurrences that occurred in the tyme.

In the tyme of the Nikolaus, of the seconde era, whence the snow-stormes o'ertook the cobblèd roades, and the drifting haile flew and swyrled around our bodies, the Matthewe, in the spyrite of the fesstive season, for it was also on the feaste of Sainte Valemtime, a daye of great celebrations, and debaucherie, and bacchanaliae, and womon-hunting, and the pursuite of goode thynges, and it occur'd thusly on this daye, and it was goode. And, being a goode and woorshipfull adherent of the Church, we did gather around the country manour of the Matthewe, and engage in lustfull activities, and games, and gamboles, and jygs, and japes, and jocularities. However before that occurrence, there was indeed a great deal of stryfe, and disconcorde, and disquietude, and disenfranchisement, and disembowelment, among othere thynges, for because the celebrations requirèd the taking of a virgyne, and the consummation of the love between a man and a womon who was beautaceous, and faire, and fyne, and cleane, we were in quite a troubled state of affaires. And so it came to passe, that, being goode and woorshipfull, the Timmeracke did descend upon us, and he did spake unto us thusly: "The mourtal men must come forth and honour the great feaste of the Desmonde, and the holy Trynitie, and the Quadrangel, and for this ye men must take a womon, and know her by lieing with her, and perform lewd acts upon her personhoode." And it was goode.

And yea, we, being students of the lyceum, and the gymnasium, did come unto the Wailing-Walle, whereupon there were deckorated many hearte-shaped confecktions, whereupon we proceeded to locate the confecktions which were scarr'd with the marke of our naymes, in large and fancie lettres, and devour them in a vouracious mannere. However, in the hayste to disckover the hidden lockations, we happen'd upon the hearte of a womon, and knowing from many epick questes, that this was the sign of a rare and powerfull artifackt, we did become enthrall'd at the sight of it, and thusly, determined to return it to the womon of rightfull heir, and thusly, seek to copulate with her many tymes, as a rewarde, and we did thusly steal her confecktion from the Wailing-Walle, and it was goode.

Thusly, being retirèd to the country manour of the Matthewe, with the hearte safely in stowage, we did coommence upon the debauchery of which was describ'd earlier, and after the wearyness had manifested itself in wayes that were great, and large, and many, and manifold, we were plaguèd with the dilemmas of the womon-hearte, for if we did return it to her, and she did not copulate with us many tymes, it would be a terrible wayste, for the oppoortunitie-coste was large, and great, and thusly, we ponder'd in solicitude. And after many sicke, and dysturbing scenarioes, we decided to carry out the planne, though it would cost us greatly, it was worthe the ryske.

However, as the womon was not to be found in the lyceum the next daye, for she was of mysterious magick, and often vanish'd, it was quite distressfull, and after the daye of wirke, we retired to the country manour of the Nikolaus, and did partake of sweetes, and breades, and egges of rare byrdes, and it was goode.

2 comments:

Cavalcadeofcats said...

Brr!

King Kessler said...

That was so excellent. Highly accurate, while stylistically consistent and well-storitold!