Thursday, November 22, 2007

Fungus Festival

Jeremiah whirled. "Can it be so, good friend?" he asked of his good friend, Samuel. "Can it be?"

"Yes," Samuel agreed. "The Fungus Festival cometh - and we have all too little time to prepare."

Before their unbelieving eyes was a poster, pasted to the wall. "FUNGUS FESTIVAL" it declared: "FAMILY FUNGUS FUN! Sponsored by the Mycological Society of San Francisco." The date on the poster was but three days away.

"We will need weapons," Jeremiah suggested to Samuel.

"Yes. And volunteers," Samuel agreed.

Rapidly, they hurried away, discussing preparations as they walked. As they left, Jeremiah tore the poster off the wall, crumpled it up into a ball, and threw it to the ground. The gathering wind blew it down the hill as Jeremiah and Samuel vanished into the night.


"We are gathered here today to do the Lord's work," Jeremiah declared to the gathered audience. "The Mycological Society of San Fransisco, alongside their dastardly allies, have gone too far today. Under all the cultivations of heaven, they have brought forth bitter and poisonous fruit. They have no refuge, nothing to take hold of; all that preserves them every moment is the mere arbitrary will, and uncovenanted, unobliged forbearance of an incensed God." He paused for breath. Samuel stood next to him, holding a very large hammer.

"And we must take advantage of that!" Jeremiah continued. "Weapon racks even now stand beside you." Indeed, they did! "Arm yourself! Let us fight our heathen foe! We will cut through their ranks as a scythe through wheat!"

Cheering, the volunteers grabbed swords, pikes and torches. Jeremiah led them out of the building. As they marched into the red-lit evening, they sang: "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord..."


The Fungus Festival's tents spread out before the righteous warriors of the Lord. They stood in battle array; deadly weapons pointed in all directions. Only one man stood between them and the defenseless city of sin: the ticket-taker.

"So, you say that 'fungus', in context, means mold and such," Jeremiah asked in the manner of one belaboring a point.

The ticket-taker seemed uncomfortable with this limited definition (excluding slime molds, mildew, ambulating man-eating jungle fungi...), but nodded.

"And not, well..." Jeremiah whispered. The words "sin of Er" and "atrocity unto the Lord" were audible.

Again, the ticket-taker nodded, seeming somewhat more confident.

"Well." Jeremiah stopped and thought. He called over Samuel. They conferred. Several volunteers wandered to their erstwhile leaders. The discussion broadened.

Finally, Jeremiah turned to the ticket-taker. "How much is it for a group?" he asked.

And itte wasse goode.


King Kessler said...

That was so somewhat fabulous!

Desmond said...

As awesome as a fungus festival is, why the misspelling of San Francisco?

Cavalcadeofcats said...

I'm going to have to blame incompetence.