Sunday, November 25, 2007

David Eats a Cactus

1. He looks it over.

"Well?" he asks. "Should I eat it raw, or cooked?"

IF YOU CHOOSE RAW, GO TO NUMBER TWO. IF YOU CHOOSE COOKED, GO TO NUMBER THREE.

2. "That would be quite uncouth!" he protests.

"Too uncouth?" he wonders.

IF SO, GO TO NUMBER THREE. IF NOT, GO TO NUMBER FOUR.

3. "Well, then," he says.

He begins gathering leaves and branches from the nearby area. Before lighting them, he looks up. "To build a fire?" he asks.

IF YOU LIKED THAT STORY, GO TO NUMBER FIVE. IF YOU LOATHED IT, GO TO NUMBER SIX.

4. "Well, then," he says. "Ho!"

He tries to eat it, but gets a mouthful of needles instead. Ow!

He dies.

GAME OVER. TO PLAY AGAIN, GO BACK TO ONE.

5. Suddenly, a snowstorm blows in! He is buried to his shoulders, lighter still clutched in his hand.

Immobilized, he freezes to death within hours!

GAME OVER. TO PLAY AGAIN, GO BACK TO ONE.

6. He decides that he has other priorities. Grabbing an ax, he chops the cactus down, then carefully de-needles it.

From his backpack, he grabs steak and chicken, carefully bagged. "Which one?" he wonders.

IF CHICKEN, GO TO SEVEN. IF STEAK, GO TO EIGHT.

7. Satisfied with his choice, he puts the steak back in his backpack and fetches out some wine.

"Red or white?" he considers.

IF RED, GO TO NINE. IF WHITE, GO TO TEN.

8. Content with his choice, he puts the chicken back in his backpack and fetches out some wine.

"White or red?" he considers.

IF WHITE, GO TO NINE. IF RED, GO TO TEN.

9. He pours the wine into a glass, and then looks at his meat with horror.

It's the wrong kind! Red with red meat, white with white meat; that's what everyone knows. How could he have gone so wrong?

Overcome with shame, he takes out his wakashi and katana and disembowels himself.

GAME OVER. TO PLAY AGAIN, GO BACK TO ONE.

10. He pours the wine into a glass. Cutting out a slice of cactus, he puts it on some bread, then layers the meat on top.

Then he stops and considers. "Does cheese go well with cactus?" he asks.

IF YES, GO TO ELEVEN. IF NOT, GO TO TWELVE.

11. Layering the cheese on top, he takes a big bite.

He chews.

He swallows.

"Hmm," he says. "Not bad!"

He eats the whole cactus!

Later, he arrives back home. In the airport, he realizes: He's half-Jewish! He can't have meat with cheese! Overcome with shame, he falls over and is trampled to death in the press.

GAME OVER. TO PLAY AGAIN, GO BACK TO ONE.

12. Abstaining from cheese, he takes a big bite.

He chews.

He swallows.

"Ugh," he says. "That was terrible!"

Forcing himself the entire way, taking many sips of wine, he eats the whole cactus.

Hooray!

David ate a cactus!

YOU WIN. TO PLAY AGAIN, GO BACK TO ONE.

5 comments:

Cavalcadeofcats said...

TO NOTE HOW MANY TRIES IT TOOK YOU TO WIN (OR IF YOU JUST IGNORED THE INSTRUCTIONS), COMMENT HERE.

Maraj said...

I think I got killed 2~3 times. Not sure.

Desmond said...

The wines were backwards, I chose steak and then red wine, but then it told me I died.

Cavalcadeofcats said...

Oops! Yes. Corrected.

King Kessler said...

I think I died four or five times. You should have told us to count at the beginning!