Vicious Bear-Weasels

It is said that in days of old, the people of Cupertino were not satisfied. They lacked for Mormons. They lacked for Jews. They lacked for Chinese. And, most of all, they lacked for obscene atrocities against all laws of man or nature.

So it was that our ancestors came here, long ago. Devin's ancestors were the Mormons: strong and hearty, they ventured from the Valley of Mormonity, in distant Utah. My ancestors were the Jews: clever and ingenious, they traveled from bear-haunted Russia. And David's ancestors, the Chinese, carried with them not only straw hats and peasant prejudices, but something more: an abomination, defiling everything that we hold dear. The Bear-Weasel.

The Bear-Weasel is a strange creature, rare even in its native habitat of Manchuria. In acknowledgment of the sad fact that you, the reader, may be unfamiliar with its properties and nature, a short digression. The Bear-Weasel is a terrifying beast; loving nothing more than to rend and kill, it slaughters wantonly wherever it goes. Its favoured method of dispatching victims is to launch them - even as though they were ideal projectiles! - at speeds of over 500 m/s at forty-five degrees from the horizontal. Its rarity can be attributed to its antisocial habits and its slow breeding cycle; only when an established government is violently overthrown can it mate, even if a prospective mate is nearby. It is a sad reality of the present state of international politics that a revolution against even the most horrific of dictators helps the bear-weasels to spread; indeed, the last century has led to an unprecedented flourishing of their species.

When David's ancestors brought the bear-weasel to Cupertino, they merely wished to preserve a heirloom of their culture, which they had left so many hundreds of miles behind them. They took all reasonable precautions with their bear-weasel: locking it in a basement, wrapping it in chains, cutting off its limbs and removing all five eyes. Sadly, however, even their best efforts proved too little. The bear-weasel's rampage through ancient Cupertino was horrific; dozens died, entire families were launched kilometres away. Only when the leaders of the Mormon, Jewish, Chinese and Cupertino-dwellers combined their powers to manifest THAT WHICH IS DREAD was the bear-weasel's rampage ended. The damage it caused united the previously distrustful communities of Cupertino, but the horrors it wreaked overweighted the good. Even to this day, a memorial to the victims of the bear-weasel rests in our very school.

Act now! Stop the bear-weasels before it's too late! Call 1-800-BEAR-WEASEL to stop these monstrosities before they destroy Beijing!