A Transcript of the Latest Episode of "Scroungers"

I was recently tasked with doing all the work in a five-person history project. (You know how it is.) The assignment was to create a "TV episode" depicting the experiences of the 1950s minority of your choice. I chose "low income". Since I had fun writing it, I figure you guys might enjoy reading it. Enjoy!

(Please bear in mind that this was written with "classroom humor" in mind; outside of a classroom, it's way less funny. To spice it up, try to figure out which part I wrote for myself! It's not Antoinette.)

SCROUNGERS

PILOT EPISODE

In a sweatshop, sewing together and otherwise making stuffed animals

BARTHOLOMEW: *humourous-sounding cough*
ANTOINETTE: You sound sick. Are you alright?
BARTHOLOMEW: Yeah, I just have a frog in my throat. They don't taste like chicken. Don't try them.
ANTOINETTE: Are you sure? Have you been getting enough sleep?
BARTHOLOMEW: I told you, I'm fine. *humourous-sounding cough*
CRISTOPHER: Man, this stuff is too hard. And we don't even get minimum wage.
THEOPHILUS: Yeah, it's boring, too.
CRISTOPHER: You know what? I'm just going to stop working while the boss isn't around.
THEOPHILUS: I'm not going to risk it, but I'd give an arm for something INTERESTING to happen around here.
Theophilus accidentally cuts his hand off with a sewing needle.
THEOPHILUS: *high-pitched squeak*
CRISTOPHER: How did you cut your hand off with a sewing needle?
THEOPHILUS: It's all in the wrist.
CRISTOPHER: All except the hand.
THEOPHILUS: Yes.
Eliphalet surveys the area. All hide their afflictions.
ELIPHALET: Is everyone working?
EVERYONE: Yes, sir.

The next day

Antoinette gets up and starts to leave.
BARTHOLOMEW: Where are you going?
ANTOINETTE: To the bathroom.
BARTHOLOMEW: Shouldn't you ask permission first?
ANTOINETTE: I won't be gone long. He won't notice.
She leaves.
BARTHOLOMEW: Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. *humourous-sounding cough*
Eliphalet looks up and walks over.
ELIPHALET: This is the second day you're coughing. Do you have a defect of some sort?
BARTHOLOMEW: Yes, sir. I have Black Lung Disease, sir.
ELIPHALET: If you're sick, you could spread it to your fellow workers. Why shouldn't I fire you now?
BARTHOLOMEW: Please, sir! This is the only job I can get with my education! I have a family to support! And I live in the alley next to the building!
CRISTOPHER: It is a nice alley, sir.
THEOPHILUS: It's true.
ELIPHALET: Hm.
Eliphalet walks over to Theophilus.
ELIPHALET: And you. Why haven't you been working as fast as usual?
THEOPHILUS: I love your tie, sir.
ELIPHALET: You're not answering the question.
THEOPHILUS: It's a very nice tie, sir.
BARTHOLOMEW: It is a very nice tie, sir.
CRISTOPHER: It is.
THEOPHILUS: May I see it, sir?
Theophilus reaches toward the tie and Eliphalet smacks his hand away. The hand falls off.
ELIPHALET: …Did you cut your hand off using a sewing needle?
THEOPHILUS: It's all in the wrist, sir.
CRISTOPHER: All in the wrist.
ELIPHALET: Hm.
Eliphalet moves on to Cristopher.
ELIPHALET: And you. Why haven't you gotten as much done as usual?
CRISTOPHER: I love your shoes, sir.
THEOPHILUS: They are very nice shoes, sir.
BARTHOLOMEW: Very nice shoes.
ELIPHALET: And where is that woman?
BARTHOLOMEW: She's admiring your toilet, sir.
CRISTOPHER: Very nice toilet.
ELIPHALET: That's it. The four of you are fired!
THEOPHILUS: But sir! The only money we can get without a job is through welfare! That's not enough to sustain the microbes responsible for Black Lung Disease!
CRISTOPHER: Wouldn't that be a good thing?
BARTHOLOMEW: It sounds like it.
THEOPHILUS: Hmm, maybe. But we don't have black lung disease!
ELIPHALET: Then catch it from your buddy there. You'll need to leave within the hour.
THEOPHILUS: Can we still sleep in the alley beside the building, sir?
Eliphalet ponders.
ELIPHALET: I suppose so. It is a very nice alley.
Eliphalet leaves and Antoinette returns.
ANTOINETTE: What's all the fuss about?
CRISTOPHER: We all just got promoted! We're managers now!
ANTOINETTE: What? No. You're lying.
CRISTOPHER: Yeah, we all got fired.
ANTOINETTE: Oh, okay!

On the way out

CRISTOPHER: All right, we're free!
BARTHOLOMEW: If you didn't like it, couldn't you have just left earlier?
Cristopher ponders.
CRISTOPHER: Wow, I guess I could have. Oh, wait! I didn't because I needed money for food!
Cristopher ponders again.
CRISTOPHER: Wait a minute. Oh, shoot.
Theophilus looks at his hand.
THEOPHILUS: I wonder what I could use this for. Ooh! I could reach for things!
ANTOINETTE: What do you have to reach for?
THEOPHILUS: Gender equality and safe working conditions! And stuff on the ground, if I don't want to bend over.
ANTOINETTE: Aren't those useless without a job?
THEOPHILUS: Yeah, I'll have to get that back at some point. Well, goodnight, everyone.
EVERYONE: Goodnight.
All cover themselves with newspaper sheets.

The next day

All wake up. Bartholomew starts reading the newspaper.
THEOPHILUS: Man, it's cold.
Theophilus puts on a newspaper hat.
ANTOINETTE: Come on, everyone, we need to go get our jobs back!
BARTHOLOMEW: Hold on, I want to finish the comics.
Bartholomew laughs.
BARTHOLOMEW: Oh, that Marmaduke.
ANTOINETTE: There's no time for that. Other people are going to get our jobs!
Theophilus brandishes a newspaper tube to go with his hat.
THEOPHILUS: I agree. Onward!
All walk up to Eliphalet.
CRISTOPHER: Hey, can we get our jobs back?
ELIPHALET: Yeah, sure.
All put their hands up in celebration.
EVERYONE, INCLUDING ELIPHALET: Yay!
All go back to their positions in the factory.
BARTHOLOMEW: *humourous-sounding cough*
CRISTOPHER: Man, I'm bored.
THEOPHILUS: Yeah, me too. I'd give your arm for something interesting to happen around here.

THE END