Sunday, February 08, 2009

Space Cats from Ganymede

They come from the outer moons, where the sight of vast red Jupiter ever dominates the sky; their cousins colonized Io and even now work to terraform Europa. They are...

The Space Moles of Callisto!

(What? 'Space Cats', from Ganymede? No, no such thing. That wouldn't even make any sense.)

They come to Earth to plunder its treasures - precious, precious treasures! Like 99-cent ringtones, and 31-flavor ice-cream. Such are luxuries - unknown to the Space Moles! Life in Jovian orbit is cold and bitter, with little room for pleasure or relaxation. But in the Earth's warm orbit, anything is possible! The Space Moles' spirits rise. They are filled with hope.

Soon they will descend, to place their iron boots upon the neck of all Mankind, forever subjugating them and emplacing the yoke of servitude upon their bowed necks, burning the Bill of Rights, the Constitution, and the Magna Carta, and installing Cheney as Governor of Earth. (They've been watching. They know he's got the right stuff.) Paris, London, and New York will burn. It will be mankind's darkest hour.

But wait! What's this? The Moon!

It's here to save us!

Go, moon, go! Fire the giant magnetic-accelerator-cannons and laser-arrays located on your 'dark side', upgraded by the Nazis who moved there in the '40s, originally built by the ancient Mayans! Smash the Space Mole Armada with waves of saucer-shaped spacecraft that look suspiciously like frisbees on strings! Hunt the survivors as they crash-land on earth with your army of mind-controlled creatures - the yeti, the lake monsters, the killer badgers, the rest - all controlled by your puppet organizations, the CIA and KGB and Mossad controlled by the Freemasons and Catholic Church controlled by the Illuminati masterminded, of course, by the Space Badgers!

(In the aftermath of the space battle, Cheney was tragically struck and killed by a falling Space Badger dewclaw.)

The Space Nazis return to Earth, hailed by grateful governments all around the world. "Thank you for saving us from the Space Badgers from Jupiter or whatever!" they say. "We totally believe your outlandish and improbable stories of world conspiracies and space battles which, coincidentally, occured just far enough away from Earth that none of our instrumentation detected it! Hooray for Nazis!"

Then the Space Nazis realized that the world governments were being sarcastic, and flew back to the moon to sulk.

The Space Badgers, meanwhile, plotted. Their armada had been defeated... but this would not be the end. They would have their revenge... on all of Earth! But first, they must rebuild. Build a new fleet; infiltrate the Space Nazis and defeat them from within. These three tasks were the keys to their victory!

Oh. Also, they needed to decant a new Cheney from the vats.

Cheney: such a bother!

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