That David Thing

This is what a David said:
(once)
(when the Davidpede roamed the land)
i was a nikolas
very scary
many teeth
journeying across the land
and the countryside
eating cakes
and having tea-time
lots of tea-time
in space
space was closer then
there was no air
people breathed through their noses
and coffee
a nikolas never drinks coffee
except
when he sees the david-beast
this is the david thing
it has several things
an eye
fangs
feet
flames
it climbed
with these things
into space
and met a nikolas
and said to him
"sir i must protest"
and the nikolas was most aggrieved
and he struck
with his umbrella
a blow that wounded the davidpede sorely
and the davidpede was wroth
and wrathful
and bat-like
and it transformed
its second formalso now it had arms
for some reason
so it attacked
a nikolas was hard pressed
like clothes under an iron
which actually makes sense because the david was hot
because it was fire
not like a womon
that's different
mostly
even if the womon is on fire
which is bad
like the situation a nikolas was in
until he uttered a mighty speech
and tore the david-thing limb from limb
like grendel
and the davidpede was annoyed
this was uncouth
most uncouth
and so it became patriotic
and sang "we are the world"
also
transformedthat's less important
but it did
and a nikolas went 'aaaa'
and ran away
because he is scared of patriots
also
cake
tea
but the davidpede mk. iii chased him
(it had a high power level)
and it beat him down
like a fool
or a punk
and a nikolas was sorry
and he did apologize for his rudeness
and then they retired together
to the dining room
to feast on cakes and honey
as friends

and that is the story of how a nikolas met a david for the first time

the end

Author's note: This is actually remarkably accurate. In real life, Thorin was involved, but otherwise it's true.