A Play

Context: Sometimes, an Ethan is assigned a book report project. Sometimes, this project is a skit, to be performed with two other people, representing characters from their respective books. Sometimes, an Ethan sleeps through class, forcing his group-mates to write the script without them. And sometimes, those group-mates are not especially competent with English, resulting in strange and hilarious phrasing.

This is that result.

By Daniel Hsu, Kaoru Hori, and Ethan Feinberg

Ethan: [knocks on door]

Daniel: [opens door] Come along in, and have some tea! Sergeant Kurt Ambrose, if I’m not mistaken?

Ethan: [salutes] Thank you. You’re not mistaken, and neither am I, so you must be Bilbo Baggins.

Daniel: Yes. Please sit down. Now, where is the other guest? Gandalf said he’s usually a bit late.

Ethan: [sitting down] I saw him behind me on the path, with a scowl on his face. Weird gangster is how I would describe him.

Kaoru: [kicks down door] Dang it! I just lost my job! What the heck am I going to do? [sits down at table]

Daniel: Come along in, and have some tea…? [pours tea for Ethan and tried to pour tea for Kaoru]

Kaoru: No thanks; I’ve got my beer. [pushes tea cup away, and puts beer bottle on table]. Bought it with my hard-earned money. [holds up envelope meant for his son, while Ethan and Daniel look at envelope]. Uh, I mean, my buddies at the bar bought it for me.

Daniel: [sits down] So what do you fellows do for a living? Oh, did I mention that this tea was made from the finest plant in the Mountain of Dain? It was a gift from the twelve dwarves to me before I left.

Kaoru: Wait, I’ve heard of them. Did they also give you money before you left?

Daniel: Yes, the dwarves did pay me for accompanying them on their journey, with quite a bit of treasure indeed.

Kaoru: Really? Dude, I seriously need money because my stupid boss just fired me for no reason.

Ethan: Well, it actually isn’t that hard to find a job anymore because the army is always in need of more men. It’s a really great experience, like when I went on my first mission with the Blue Team.

Daniel: I agree! I also went on a journey sometime ago, with those dwarves I was talking about.

Ethan: Really? But you are a bit small…

[All look at Ethan]

Daniel: It didn’t really matter though. It was very rewarding. Just look at what I got! [shows the guests a box of bling] But the best thing I picked up along the way was this magic ring. [takes ring out from pocket]

Kaoru: Well how do get a job or journey or whatever you guys do then? I can’t seem to find anyone willing to hire me, even though I tell them I’m desperate for money. You guys probably already saw that beer money was meant for my son to buy books in school.

Ethan: If you are planning to go into the army, there is heavy training involved. I know what it’s like because I’ve spent several years of my life training new soldiers in the Spartan III program. It’s not easy.

Kaoru: But I probably don’t need to learn how to use a gun though, because I already had practice. One time I was so angry with my wife I even tried to shoot her. But dang it, the police took my rifle away again. Those bastards, drinking beer and laughing out of their mouth.

Ethan: Mr. Hernandez, it isn’t enough to go into battle with only your brawling skills. You wouldn’t be able to stand a minute against the sentinel robots I encountered at Onyx. I remember when I was there… There were soldiers falling everywhere, even the ones better than me.

Daniel: I’ve had experience with battles too, and I can tell you Mr. Hernandez, training all you can train will definitely help you stay alive out there. In the Battle of Five Armies, even with my magical ring that made me invisible, I was still hurt and knocked on the head with a rock. There were horrible creatures there, like goblins and wild Wargs, things you probably have never seen in your whole army career.

Ethan: [stands up] Hey! Don’t make fun of my job! I’ve never seen orcs or wild Wargs in action, but have you ever fought with aliens from the ruins of a civilization in the planet Onyx? You probably didn’t even know the earth was round; much less known about the other planets.

Bilbo: [stands up too] Hey, you sit down this instant! And just for your information, I’ve-

Ethan: You will not disrespect me! And just for your information, I will not back down to a midget like you.

Daniel: [gasps]

Kaoru: Enough! All of you just shut up and get back on topic, or else I’ll stop acting with my “nice side.” If this had happened when I was in the mood when I was arguing with my family about my rifle, I would have beaten you all up. Now, I want to know how all of you got your jobs, so why don’t you start, Sergeant Kurt Ambrose? Tell me how you got your job and all about how they interviewed you and how they decided you were good enough.

Ethan: [stammering] Well, I, uh, I, I didn’t exactly earn my job. I was kidnapped when I was a kid, so I was a soldier whether I was or wasn’t good enough. It was a good thing I turned out pretty nice.

Kaoru: Okay… That didn’t really help because I can’t get kidnapped, so you, Bilbo; same question.

Daniel: Ahem. I, was selected for my position. Gandalf told the dwarves about my skills as a burglar, and he convinced the dwarves to let me fill in the thirteenth position for their party. Later on I led the attack onto the mountain, braved the burning fires, slew the dragon and saved my friends from certain death.

Kaoru: Tell the truth, now.

Daniel: Fine. I was actually half convinced, half dragged along by the dwarves on their crazy adventure to kill a dragon with only thirteen people. But it wasn’t really us that killed the dragon. We just made it so mad at us that it tried to eat all the people in the nearby town. Then the descendant of the king of that city decades ago shot and felled the dragon Smaug with an arrow.

Kaoru: That doesn’t really help because dragons aren’t very common in these parts if you haven’t noticed.

Ethan: That’s true, but you do understand his idea right? All you have to do to get a job is to find someone that needs your help and offer it to them. Just remember to ask for money at the end.

Kaoru: You people’s ideas are all so stupid. I wasn’t kidnapped into the army, and there aren’t any dragons around for me to shoot with an arrow.

Daniel: But all you have to do is-

Kaoru: It’s not helping, and if you keep trying to give me dumb suggestions, I’m gonna have to teach you a lesson.

Daniel: You know you don’t always have to be in such a bad mood. After I went on my adventure, my whole personality changed. In a positive way of course. Even Gandalf, the wizard that sent you the invitation to the party mentioned “My dear Bilbo!’ he said. ‘Something is the matter with you! You are not the hobbit that you were.’”

Kaoru: [stands up] That does it! I’m fed up with your level of dumbness. You just don’t know what I’m going through because both of you have money now and a job before. And Bilbo, I don’t care what happens to you. [pretends to grab Ethan and Daniel by the collar].

Ethan and Daniel: [trying to tell him to stop]

Kaoru: Now I’m gonna – [cell phone rings, looks at cell phone, looks back at Ethan and Daniel] I’ll deal with you later. [talks with cell phone] Hello? Yes, this is Mr. Hernandez… Really? Awesome! When do I start? Tomorrow? Okay, see you tomorrow!

Ethan: What?

Kaoru: [releases Daniel and Ethan] YES! I just got a job at the Awoni Building Company! I start working tomorrow!

Ethan and Daniel: Really!?! [both congratulate Kaoru]

The End