Friday, May 08, 2009

The Kronnikles of Desmond: Artifacts of the Sacred

Lo, did the hero Desmond come before King Kessler, for was he summoned, yea, to pay a visit, and attend an audience, and listen, yea, to King Kessler, for he was his monarch, and that of all of Isselunde, yea, verily. And did King Kessler speak unto the hero Desmond, saying thus:

"Lo, thou shalt go forth, and find the Artifacts of the Sacred; threefold are they in number, fewer than four, but more than two, are written of in the books of the wise, and there are three of them. The first is named the Skon-Tronei, an ancient manuscript with the answers to all life's greatest questions writ upon it; thou shalt find it in Urey Hall. The second is termed the Scourer of Maws; it is to be found in the grand Emporium to the east, in the hands of a merchant named Ralph."

Lo, did Desmond lean forward eagerly, for he sensed there was something more yet to come; and did he ask of King Kesser, "O Monarch of All Isselunde, what is the third Artifact That Is Sacred, for it is imperative upon me to know, and essential for me to find out, and rather important for you to tell me?" And King Kessler did reply, saying this:

"Lo, it is the Fang of the Great Wyrm MacGuffin, in the Mountains of Svalbard in the East; there you must go, and slay the beast."

Lo, and did Desmond draw back, and did he ask, "O King of Kesslers, could I not sneak upon the creature in the night, and draw its fang from its mouth by stealth?"

Lo, and Kessler did assent that this might be possible; though he clarified, further, in his wisdom, that such a course might end in "the Monster Awakening from its Slumbers, and Biting Down, and Devouring All Within its Mouth." And they did agree that this would be a poor outcome.

Lo, and did the hero Desmond set out. Did he travel to the north, that he might find the Skon-Tronei, in the fabled Urel Hall; and this he did, and secured it within his jeans-pockets. Did he then travel to the south, and therein, after eating of the Steak and the Cheese and the Chips and the Salsa, find the store of the Ralph, and purchase from him the Scourer of Maws. And did he then return to the King Kessler, and present unto him the treasures that Desmond had acquired, and did he say, "Lo, my King, I have done as you have asked, for I am ever thy loyal servant."

Lo, did King Kessler then cry out: "Ah!" he said, "But where is the Fang of the Great Wyrm MacGuffin?"

"I was planning on getting it off Craigslist," Desmond admitted.

"What?" King Kessler asked. "No! You can't do that! You have to get the real thing, straight from the dragon's mouth!"

"So eBay wouldn't do it, either?" Desmond asked.

And itte was goode.

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