Monday, July 27, 2009

On Retirement

Will your retirement plan provide for you?

That's what they asked me, those flim-flam men with their banks and their money; and this, this is what I told them.

"My retirement plan will most certainly provide for me; this is a thing which I hold to be a matter indubitable, indisputable, and immutable, for even at this moment, my agents are commissioning the construction of a great golden zeppelin, the Immortal, to be powered by eight great propeller-engines, to be armed with cannon and rifle and, crewed by myself alone, to travel across the globe, stopping only for provisioning and supplies, as it become necessary, until such a time as I should pass into the Himalayas and therein see the three great mountains that, as noted in the diary of the lost explorer Sir Edward of Brettonia, mark the gateway to the Deep Kingdoms of Lesser Garlandis; that land I shall enter, and subjugate its more peaceful tribes by the prophecy that fortells my coming (in my flying ship of gold, armed with the strength of thunder), and subjugate its more warlike tribes with the weapons which I shall bring with me - for while the savage may always boast the advantage of numbers, civilized man has the advantages brought by the advances of Science, namely, gunpowder, flight, and machinery - for, as they say, we have got the Maxim gun and they do not! - and thereby, having gained complete and uncontested rule over Garlandis, I shall rule as God-King for the rest of my days, bringing an age of prosperity to the land, prosperity of which I shall sup amply, until I am murdered in my sleep by my own most trusted retainer and Garlandis falls into a Dark Age of chaos, ended only when my great-grandaughter raises my spirit and, with its wisdom and her raw courage and personal strength, establishes a new Republic to rule Garlandis justly and wisely, with her as its first President-For-Life...

So you can see that, in fact, I do not need to invest more in my IRA.

Yes, thank you for asking.

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