Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Mucuous Man!

The Queen Lamenting slammed the door open, her stance firm, her eyes burning.

"At last, I have found you, Mucuous Man!" she cried. "I have found your many secret clues, I have hounded you to the deepest depths of your secret lair, and now I confront you - to - "

She began to breathe shallowly.

"Oh, god, oh, god," she said, her breath ragged. "I think I am going to be sick."

"Feel free!" came a voice from the gloom, booming and cheery. "I know I have!"

"Hrglblerrgh!", the Queen Lamenting articulately replied.

"Nice to have a little variety about the place," the voice of Mucuous Man remarked. "All my internal fluids and excreta are nice, but it's good to have someone else show what they can do for once. Hey - carrots for lunch, eh?"

"I - think - I am going to leave now," the Queen Lamenting said, backing away.

"Really?" the voice of Mucuous Man inquired, sounding somewhat disappointed. "Not even going to try to destroy me, after coming all this way? Seems a bit of a waste."

"I wasn't going to try to destroy you," the Queen Lamenting said, her back turned and her nose covered. "I was going to try to recruit you for a Grand Alliance - a final stand of Good against Evil, in the shadows of Solomon's Temple!"

"Ooo!" Mucuous Man said, moving into the light. "Sounds excellent. I'm in!"

"...are you sure?" the Queen Lamenting said, her back still turned. "It'll probably be fine if you don't come. I mean. Really fine. For everyone. In every way."

Mucuous Man gave her a hard look - sadly wasted, of course. He stood silent for a moment. Then he said, clearly and calmly, "Hey. Think about this. What - in just moments of your encountering me - have I done to you?"

"...caused me to vomit and try to run away?" the Queen Lamenting suggested.

"Exactly!" Mucuous Man exclaimed. "Now - can you see how that might be a useful effect to produce on your villainous foes?"

The Queen Lamenting considered, her hand still covering her nose and mouth. Slowly, something like a smile appeared on her face. "Perhaps I can..." she said.

-

ONE WEEK LATER

The Exigency of Steel slammed open the door, his triple-layered helm gleaming even in the dim light of the high-security bank vault.

"Ha!" he laughed, and a hundred screaming voices followed the sound. "At last, I have pierced to the heart of the defences of the "League of Good"! Their strength was nothing compared to mine! Now - to confront whatever final guardian they have placed here, before I take the treasure which is mine...!"

He paused, peering into the darkness. One eyebrow moved upwards; with a subvocalized command, he activated the light-enhancement gear built into his armour, trying to make out what he just could not quite see.

"Oh - oh why! Why! Why would any human ever do such a thing? How could any human ever do such a thing?" the Exigency of Steel screamed, jerking backward. "Why? Whyyyyyyyy?" Unpleasant gurgling noises began to emit from his loudspeakers; some thin, viscous fluid leaked slowly downwards.

"I am no ordinary man!" Mucuous Man proclaimed, his chest puffed outwards, as he strode to confront the armour-plated figure. "Now you see my true strength..."

Slowly, he came to a halt, realizing that the Exigency of Steel was not really in any shape to listen.

"The helmet really doesn't help, here," the Queen Lamenting said, appearing from outside the room, her gowns torn and blackened by battle.

"No," Mucuous Man agreed, shaking his head sadly. "In fact, it probably makes it about a hundred times worse."

ANOTHER VICTORY FOR THE LEAGUE OF GOOD!