Cats are everywhere. They are in your neighborhood; on your street; perhaps inside your very house. They are much-loved, lauded as scourges of pests and adorable companions. But have you considered the very real risks that cats present?
When you see a cat, it could be a cat: or a more deadly threat. Perhaps it's a very strange looking dog. Perhaps it's a cleverly designed robot, designed to love - or to kill. It may be a mutant, escaped from radioactive Chernobyl to consume the flesh of humans; or, equally dangerously, it could be a posthuman transmortuary vector, or, in the common parlance, a "cat-zombie." When the Neo-Unitarian-Shiites launch begin their campaign of biowarfare against suburban America, they will use specially engineered cats to carry payloads of ebola-2; embedded in their fur like the fleas that carried the Bubonic Plague. If you have a cat of your own, or are accustomed to seeing them about your place of residence, the time it takes you to realize the terrible truth could be enough for lethal exposure.
A compromised cat could attack at any moment, without warning.
What can you do to avoid any of these terrible threats? First, avoid unnecessary cat contact. Reduce your exposure to strays in your neighborhood - either delivering them to a shelter or the bottom of your car or cars' tires are considered effective for the purpose. Secondly, scan your cats! Just bring them to the local Center for Disease Control office, and we'll have your cat scanned for a $10 fee - certain to turn up any nasty cybernetic implants or subdermal anti-human lasers. Atomic vaporization of compromised cats is available free of charge.
Beware cats!
This has been a public service announcement from the Society for Proper Paranoia.
3 comments:
Thanks, Society for Proper Paranoia! Now I know!
And knowing is half the battle!
I like how you are the one with cats.
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