SAVE THE BLAG DAY 1: Utah

I don't know much about Utah. But that's no good reason not to speculate. So, those of you "in the know" - save your chatter!

Today, I tell you about Utah.

Utah is roughly 500 furlongs by 1500 furlongs, though of course it's somewhat irregular. Its main population is of Mormons - strange creatures from West Kansas. Their main pastime is bee-ball. This is a game in which they kick around bee-hives into goals to score points. Being stung by bees is not considered merely a possibility in bee-ball - it's actively hoped for! If you score when you're being attacked by bees, there is a triple-multiplier applied.

In Utah, no-one is allowed to drink hot beverages. But sometimes there are hot days! Now, if Mormons were stupid, they'd all die of dehydration on these days. But they're not! That's why they've created a sophisticated series of air-conditioned tunnels to live in through the months of June through September. If you don't see many people on the streets of Salt Lake City in July, now you know why! They're underneath your feet!

Watching.

Skirts and kilts are not recommended attire for Utah summers.