Register Your Brother

I was forced to put him down, you know. Circumstances. Just didn't have a choice.

Why?

This is why.

Back in 1984 - that's when this takes place, you see - old George Herbert Walker Bush was takin' a think. Now, he wasn't so much for thinking, so he only did so once a day - concentrated-like, so he could spend the rest of his time in a more comfortable manner. And when he thought, back on this day, he had a very clever notion. What if he were to condense everything that made up him - all the mighty mental power of George Herbert Walker etc. - and put it into a box? Then, whenever he wanted, he could just dig out that box, and bam! All his glory, available at a fingertip! He could even share it with others, if he wanted.

So, George Herbert etc. etc. went over to his techy-guys after he had his think, and he asked them, "Can you distill all of my mental power into something you can put in a box?" One of them, seeking to curry favor, replied "No, sir! You just have too many smarts to distill!" Another of them, seeking to avoid work, replied "No, sir! That's physically impossible." But the third techy-guy looked him up, and looked him down, and drawled out, "Why, sir, I think maybe I could."

Later that man went on to invent the World Wide Web - somewhat ironically, because if he'd just gotten off his rear and invented it sooner George etc. etc. etc.'s essence would just have gone up on Usenet and we'd all have been spared.

Now, there were some delays, and budget shortfalls, and a little bit of forgetfulness at an inopportune time, so it turned out that G. etc. etc. etc.'s brains were only ready to distill in 1989. My brother was wandering around in a misguided attempt to prevent my birth, but he caught word of the project and decided to take a look. He heated up his waffles and zapped his cat and shot right into the White House - just as the smarts were being transferred! Poor little Ethan was caught in the beam. He was zapped and zipped and driven quite mad. Just like now, Ethan was quite thin in 1989 - only 120 pounds on a 5'11'' frame! etc. etc. etc. etc. weighed a whopping 210, by contrast - twice his weight! And, as it turned out, little Ethan just couldn't hold three times his weight in genius. He went insane!

With his crazed fingers at the control, little Ethan shot right back to 2002. He wandered the streets outside our house, crazed and drooling. Something had to be done! So my father pinned him down, tied him up, and stuffed him back in his time machine - then reversed the polarity! Within moments, the 19-year-old Ethan was reverted to a youthful 9 years of age. As the years were drained away, so were the memories, such that Future-Ethan was only slightly mad.

We had a problem now, though. We had two Ethans - two too many! So, my father took Present-Ethan out back, handed me the shotgun, and ordered me to do the dirty deed.

So that was the day that I became a man, and the reason that Ethan is the madman he's been ever since.