Beard versus Hair

The time for the epic battle has begun. On one side of the ring - Nikolaus's Beard. Magnificent, lustrous, dark and firm - a beard from which legends are born. It stands tall atop the concrete floor at one-and-a-half ounces, ready for anything. On the other side - Ethan's Hair. Longer than imagining, a dozen, two dozen, a hundred strands of hair swirl about in a ceaseless flurry of activity. From the brown hue of the eight-ounce mass, a rich tapestry of fate could well be woven.

Today, the fate of the world will be decided.

The bell rings! It has begun. Nikolaus's Beard is frozen in place while Ethan's Hair charges - then, as the Hair reaches out with a single strand to rip and tear, the Beard forms a deadly sharp wedge. The Hair pulls back a stump.

Now they are more cautious. The Hair circles around the Beard, sending ever more strands whipping in at the Beard. Many are severed, but those which succeed in grasping the flat of the Beard's wedge (constantly reforming in response to new attacks) tear off chunks of precious Beard. The Hair swirls ever closer, accelerating as it goes - then the Beard leaps! Abandoning the wedge for a brief moment, it latches onto the core of the Hair and pulls. A great chunk of hair comes loose as the Hair recoils in surprise.

Now the Hair keeps its distance, wary for a repeat of the deadly attack. Its swirling tendril-attacks continue, but at reduced speed. The Beard is unconcerned with the few chunks it is now losing. With the Hair losing nine tendrils for every chunk of Beard ripped, the Hair will run out of hair long before the Beard. And both of them know it.

The Hair continues its suicidal attacks, launching ever more vigorous strikes from every direction. The Beard responds with equal skill and even greater speed, seeming to have an edge in every direction at once. Then, in a flashing moment, the Hair launches a dozen tendrils at once at the Beard. Two are immediately severed, but the rest grasp the Beard and tug, launching it skyward. The Beard soars for a moment, then plummets, landing stunned on the floor. The Hair seizes the opportunity, moving over the Beard and tearing viciously at its stunned opponent.

It is then, in the Beard's darkest hour, that it invokes its last resort - Nikolaus's Sideburns. They materialize above and to each side of the Beard, holding the Hair back just long enough for the Beard to recover. The Hair, shocked, is now on the retreat. The Beard attacks aggressively, shielded by its protective Sideburns. Either alone is fragile - the Sideburns are large but thin, and the Beard is much diminished from the Hair's attacks - but the Beard cuts at any strands trying to attack the Sideburns, and the Sideburns block any attack directed at the Beard. The scales have shifted dramatically.

The Hair is on the ropes. Cornered, it is easy prey for the Beard's swiping, cutting blows. It will fall within moments if it does not think of something. Then - as the Beard draws back for a vicious upperslice - the Hair strikes, coalescing its remaining tendrils into two large pigtails and smashing the Sideburns into shavings. The Beard tries to defend itself, but it is too late. Reaching down, the Hair grabs the Beard and tears it in two.

Victory for Ethan's Hair! (And may the FSM save us all.)