Politics Corner: JUNE 12 UPCOMING

Those of you who live in Cupertino may have noticed signs going up - all over our vast metropolis, from highway to shining highway. "Dominic Caserta, Teacher, Democrat!" some shout. Others cry out, "Kris Wang, Democrat!" The two are locked in mortal combat. But so little is said on those tiny placards! How can you learn more?

Well, you could google. And maybe that's what I did. But you don't have to - because I did! Behold - my expert assessment of the candidates - a comparison and contrast to shake the foundations of the earth! First: the candidates themselves!

(Note: because this is local politics, the candidates are not extremely attractive, and may, in fact, frighten small children. The timid and squeamish among you should avert your eyes.)

KRIS WANG: "THE OBLITERATOR"

Kris Wang is experienced in many things. She worked for a generation as a programmer, and then for a decade as a Park Commissioner, putting them in tip-top shape. Ten years of public service! During her term as a Park Commissioner, she was known for her practice of using flamethrowers to solve all problems. Overgrown bushes? Flamethrower! Vermin infestation? Flamethrower! Trespassers and/or noisy children? Flamethrower! Even to this day, she keeps a pocket flamethrower on her person at all times, for both practical and sentimental reasons.

DOMINIC CASERTA: "HIS MAJESTY"

Dominic Caserta is a teacher. He teaches small children. He teaches large children. He teaches them all with grace and skill. He's also a Santa Clara Councilman, for whatever that counts. (Not much.) Everywhere he goes, men bow and women swoon at his majestic aura. His smile charms everyone he meets, and it is said of him that he once stopped a rampaging dragon/cyclops/undead cyborg titan with a single kind word. Campaign spokespersons can (on demand) trace his ancestry back to King Arthur, Caesar, and the Buddha.

Now: the issues!

Kris supports education. Dominic supports education.

Dominic supports healthcare. Kris supports healthcare.

Kris supports jobs and small businesses. Dominic says nothing on the matter, so presumably he hates both, and is plotting even now to destroy them - and you.

Dominic supports green jobs and power. Kris says nothing on the matter, so presumably she hates both, and is plotting even now to destroy them - and the world along with them, in a sea of pollution ahahahaha! (With a flamethrower.)

So, you ask: for whom should you vote (if applicable), in this hard-fought and important campaign for the California State Assembly seat? Well, both the candidates have a few negative traits - such as Dominic's hatred for the economy, and Kris's hatred for the biosphere. It would be hard to deal with the former, especially in these perilous economic times. If there were just some way to deal with Kris's irrational loathing of anything green, she would be the obviously superior candidate.

The solution is five words:

Earth. Fire. Wind. Water. Heart.

Bam! Kris Wang will now love the biosphere, and instantly becomes the proper choice for this election. Vote Wang/Planet!

This has been your political advice for the month. Come back in November! You won't want to miss it.