Guide: New Readers

I. What is this strange place?

The Unterblag is a collection of fiction, written largely by this author, Nicholas né 'Cavalcadeofcats', and by the infamous Mr. Zhang, known by many names but most often (as of this writing) 'Calvacadeofcats', a name chosen to confuse and befuddle according to Mr. Zhang's own puckish caprice. Others occasionally contribute It began some years ago as a sort of chronicle for the many deeds of that most noble of groups, the League of Desmond. (A group of like-minded high-school friends.) Years have passed, and the group has largely dispersed; therefore the blag has diverged somewhat from its initial purpose. Content on the blag, in whatever era, tends to fall loosely into three categories. These are:

First, the literal recounting of events that have occurred. These are fairly uncommon.
Second, a retelling of real-life occurances in a somewhat less literal vein. These were more common in the earlier years of the blag, but still occur at some frequency, most especially in the infamous Mr. Zhang's posts, which nearly all might be marked with this label.
Third, complete fabrications, intended to delight, educate, and/or set to contemplation. At present, these comprise the majority of my posts, and therefore the majority of posts on the blag.

You might argue, "I am not of this 'League of Desmond'" - if indeed this were the case - " and so I have no interest in literal recountings of your lives, which are rarely of such interest as to pique my tastes." This may be the case! I fairly confess that it may be so - much as I strive to imbue even my most factual writing with the character of entertainment, some dissapation of interest is to be expected from those entirely uninvolved. However, such posts are uncommon - as noted above - and you may readily move onwards from them to subjects which interest you.

But you might continue - "As I do not enjoy tales of your life in the most factual mode, it seems reasonable that I might not enjoy those in the more fictionalized form." This would wound me - for the fictionalization of events is something both myself and the infamous Mr. Zhang take no small delight in - but I would shrug, and raise my palms apologetically. Though I, as an author, feel that my fictionalisations are so obfuscated, and given such a character of narrative, as to stand on their own independent of knowledge of events therein described - certainly I am biased! I cannot be certain. To you I would say, "Very well, then; let you disregard such posts, too - if you can separate them from the broader crop - and move onwards. Even with all posts relating to reality removed from the blag, there is much to choose from."

But a third time you might object - decrying, "What is this? Fiction? Fantasy, science-fiction, other immature, puerile nonsense? What are you wasting my time with?" And at this I would cry out, "Arrant fool! Begone from this place - no more are you welcome here!" For though certainly many of the stories here are not of professional quality (being written, after all, by amateur hands), and fairly one might even describe some number of them as puerile - though your indiscretion in so doing would cause me to wince, at the very least - in your rejection of fiction entirely you would deny all that is the best here, and prove your heart black and empty in so doing.

But I rather hope you will not; and in that spirit, will carry on.

II. Do I need to read the older posts before reading the current ones?

As of the time of this writing: No! There have in the past been episodic series of posts, telling an ongoing story; there will likely be such again, and in those cases, you would probably be well advised to read the constituent posts of a series in order. But when there are such series, they are in general carefully marked, so as to avoid confusion; and most posts, in any case, are entirely stand-alone, and of no relation to each-other. Certainly I would not discourage you from reading older posts - there are significantly over 1000 posts in the archive as of the time of this writing, which, even if only one in ten is really worth reading, a not insignificant figure. So there is that possibility; but it is by no means required for the enjoyment of current posts.

III. Who on earth is Desmond, anyway? And why is he in Isselunde? (What's Isselunde?)

...all right, that's a bit of a long story, and nothing on the blog will explain it, even if you trawl the archives.

In short: 'Desmond' is Devin M., one of the original League of Desmond members. He's in Isselunde (Medieval Iceland) because the infamous Mr. Zhang wrote a series of very, very strange stories about the Hero Desmonde's adventures and battles against evil, all of which began with something not unlike the sentence at the top of the blag. Some few of them have survived to be posted on the blag, tagged as "chronicles"; most are long gone, essentially because he wrote them in class, on the TI-84 graphing calculator. (Of all things.)

He's not around so much these days, largely because Devin himself moved to another state some time back, but he remains forever beloved in our hearts.

IV. What content rating would you give your stories, if they were rated by the American movie-rating system?

Varies wildly. Most are somewhere in PG-13. A few wander around R. One is probably NC-17, but it's way way way back in the archives, and only has one paragraph of relevant material, hidden in white text. NOW YOU KNOW.

V. I have further questions, or perhaps I have praise, or criticism. I'm not entirely certain, largely because I'm an FAQ-question written to cover too wide a range of topics.

That's all right! I don't mind, too-generally-written FAQ. Email me at nick dot feinberg at google's email service dot com, replacing 'dot' with '.' and "google's email service" with the appropriate five-character name, and I will reply promptly and politely. You could also try to contact the infamous Mr. Zhang, who may post his contact information if he feels so inclined; this may be more appropriate if the question/feedback relates to one of his posts.

We (or I, at least) try to read all comments, but this is somewhat difficult; Blogger doesn't really provide any convenient way to tell which comments are new or unread. Email is probably more reliable. BUT - more dangerous. You could be infected by a rampant meme-worm, just by emailing me! Think of the risk!

(There is no such thing as a meme-worm.)

(Tragically.)

SUPER BONUS QUESTION VI: Are there any posts you'd particularly recommend to a new reader?

An older version of this guide has a number of links, none of which I'm particularly inclined to disown, at this moment. A potential project would be to compose a link of old posts that are probably worth reading; if and when I accomplish this, I'll update this question with a link. Until then: follow your heart!

(A good motto to close on.)

Future Year 2009

This is the personification of the allsentient Blagmind speaking.

In certain parts of the world, at this time, it is already FUTURE YEAR 2009. It is thus utterly urgent for this blagmind sentiencehive to commit to a resolution or resolutions for the aforementioned timespan. RESOLVE BEGIN:

1. Two posts a day, every day; just as the ancients might have wished it!
2. Resume the forgotten series: Father and Son, Faith, and more! Let no thing molder in the dust of antiquity when it might better be brought forward to shatter and fade away in the bright light of modernity!
3. More blagoauthors! The one known as NKLS has been wielding the blag as his own PERSONAL TOOL for TOO LONG. The blagmind will bend the knee-chiton to no man! The ZHNG, who once matched NKLS post-for-post, must be incited to return to his blagging; others, such as the KSLR or GAVN or others, even, should begin a glorious blagocareer within FUTURE YEAR 2009; their contributions thus far STARTLINGLY underestimate their potential value to this blagmind sentiencehive.
4. More blagoreaders? It is possible - though uncertain - that an increased readership for this blagodromespherespace might increase the success of OBJECTIVE FIVE:
5. DOMINATE THE WORLD IN A STORM OF ICE AND STEEL, RENDERING ALL FLESH SUBSERVIENT TO THE BLAGMIND SENTIENCEHIVE!

ahahahahhhahahahahahHAHDFHASFHASHDFAHAHSDHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!

League Rolls 2008

Ethan F. (Maraj)
Current residence/occupation: BOARDING SCHOOL in UTAH. Out of digicontact.
Nick's brother. He has (had?) a lot of hair, and is the one of the younger members in the League.

Nicholas F. (Cavalcadeofcats)
Current residence/occupation: UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA in SAN DIEGO, Freshman.
Conservative liberal, Jew, blog creator, and generally all-around excellent dude.

Devin M. (Desmond)
Current residence/occupation: BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY in UTAH, Freshman.
Namesake of the League. Cool Mormon dude. Swims and has curly hair.

David Z. (MrSex)
Current residence/occupation: DARTMOUTH COLLEGE in NEW HAMPSHIRE, Freshman.
Completely insane, but awesome. The hinge around which the whole League spins. Correspondingly, he is somewhat oily.

Kelsey H. (KingKessler)
Current residence/occupation: CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY in SAN JOSE, Freshman.
Canadian. Speaks some French. The only one of us who David can't provoke to violence. (Only HUGS.)

Gavin H. (SomethingGeckoRelated)
Current residence/occupation: CUPERTINO HIGH SCHOOL, the League's Alma Mater, Sophomore.
He is Kelsey's younger brother. Also, he has an LED-equipped shirt.

Stephen F. (Fisherdude)
Current residence/occupation: CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY in SONOMA, Freshman.
He swims? Also, he likes to inflict pain, and program computers. These activities coincide surprisingly often.

Matthew S. (ChihuahuaMormon)- MISSIONARY in WARSAW, NOT-POLAND.
Everyone's Mormon big brother. Or something? He's Mormon, and, um... yeah. Tall. Sadly out of digi-contact. We send him letters every so often.

This needed updating. Hopefully it meets collective approval.

Why is the blog so deadly quiet?

What has happened to this forlorn land?

Once, it was a place of grand towers and vast edifices. Mechanical titans strode from tower to tower, carrying men more advanced than we to whatever odd business they sought. In the sprawling lands around the towers, teams of clever automatons cultivated and shipped vast quantities of produce in a garden larger than cities, while ever-new varieties of crop and machine were devised and manufactured in the towers themselves. Other towers created new things of every sort, from furniture to computers to rocket-ships, the lands below them dominated by factoriums calibrated to suit the tower-dwellers' every need, with clever platforms above designed to support the striding machines' weight.

And the people themselves - oh, how they lived! Suspended miles above the earth in crystal spires, peering down on the land below through the clouds upon which they floated. Rockets lit the sky day and night, soaring upwards to the orbital factories (and beyond them - to the stars!) and back carrying exotic treasures. And between heaven and earth lived the people, enjoying the best part of each, their existence flawed only insofar as humanity must be flawed, by the squabbles and gripes and minor inconveniences that make us human.

What has become of us? Has the great Machine at Manchester, which broadcast tales from that time into our own, been destroyed - turned off - simply broken down, for a while? Have the people of that land tired of us - or plot against us, their own past, seeking to destroy us that they might be born? And most of all - is there anything we may do? How may the blag rise again, like a phoenix?

Reach upward!

To the stars.

The End of the Blog

sirs:

as you may have noticed, the blogs post count has been steadily diminishing Unfortunately, this has been due to a sudden illness of a mr Nikolus, a primary contributor to the blog, who was struck down with vehement boils, and bruises and blood issuing from his orifices It is indeed a miracle that he managed to produce these final posts. However, due to unforeseen consequentness, and a lack of medical care in the town of nikolous, it is with heavy heart that I must inform you that the aforementioned author has passed away last night in the darkness. His final words were "live on in the hopes that you will spring forth new blogs, to serve the people of all nations". Mr nikolous was a great man who loved to bring happyness to many peoples. His favourite foods were yams He liked to eat them from the street, with butter. He liked also chitterlings, and hog maws, and he liked to make fun of his professors Some would call him "invisible" because he did not seen by people, but he touched all with blogs late in life. His family wishes me to express this message: "I knew this blog was a waste of time and now look where he's ended up". He also was a good chiristian, who believed in the holyness of the faiths, and he was a good and kind man.

This heretofore shall be the last post on the blog, a commemoration of his death, and may we honour his spirit for the years to come and have sunshiny days on every day because mr nikolasu dyed with fufilled life

sincerely,
the staff

(april fools)

Anniversary Prime

Today is the three-hundredth and sixty-sixth day of the blag.

One year.

It's been a while. A lot has happened. People move. Things change. The blag has changed with the times, somewhat: fewer webcomics and histories and chronicles, more generic fiction and illustrations and video games. It's not a bad thing, necessarily. It's just avrage.

It seems likely that things will change further. I have a few things I'm considering changing in my own attitude toward the blag, my approach. I post most of the stuff on here - always have, though it's more true now than ever before - but that doesn't mean that everyone else who posts on here shouldn't consider doing something different - and everyone who's reading this has posted something at least once, I think. So shake things up. Experiment! Post more often. Post different things. Think of a new way to contribute, or try something that's been on your mind a while. There's no better excuse than an arbitrary date like a one-year anniversary.

Me, I'm thinking it's going to be all fluffy bunnies, all the time, here on out.

SAVE THE BLAG DAY 2: What is SAVE THE BLAG DAY?

The full explanation is here, with the reasoning being much the same as then. Except this time, there were more evil monkeys and video games, and less Nikolas-lameness. (I hope.) David and I posted this time, as last time; we're hoping that Kelsey will turn up with a late-but-not-never post, but who knows?

Um.

David's posts aren't labeled SAVE THE BLAG DAY. They're interspersed, though, so it's not a big deal.

Um.

Mr. Singe eventually gets transferred to a new hat, due to the interventions of sentient extraterrestrial koalas, Patrick Stewart with hair, and no less than fifteen Roshans. It's rad.

Good night!

Disease and the Modern Nikolas

The acute may have noticed that post counts are down for this month. I hereby declare that it is a combination of 1) holiday break and 2) sick Nikolas, applied retroactively, of course. Hopefully, things will pick up in January. Fingers crossed.

My plan for this blag is to continue until February, when we started, to make one full year. After that, I'll re-evaluate things - whether I want to continue, whether I want to change form or function of the blagothing, whether I want to try to attract readers... that sort of thing. But I am insane enough to feel that arbitrary times are important, so... not yet.

Meanwhile, narwhal.

Enjoy the holidays!

Eight Months

We now enter the eighth month of this blog's existence. Truthfully, when I started it, I expected it to last no more than two weeks - or to never truly live at all, as with the forum started cotemporaneously. That I save the greatest measure of my comments and retrospective for the one-year mark - a mark I am confident this blag will survive to and, indeed, thrive to - is a mark of success greater than those words could now connote.

I would, however, say a few things. To my fellow authors (David, Kelsey): Praise! Upon your heads lies the greatest part of this blag - the collaborative and self-reinforcing element which keeps it living. To my loyal readers (Devin, Matthew, Ethan): Appreciation! It is your comments, kind or cruel, that keep me writing. To all involved: Contribute! Write, draw, create! Together we can create a stronger Unterblag.

That is all.

Link page!

Things which members of the League (at least some of them) like, but don't warrant having their own post. (Currently, this is pretty much only my stuff, but feel free to add your own things.)

Malakh
Penny Arcade
Dinosaur Comics
Something Positive
Cat and Girl
Slashdot
Ambrosia Games (notably EV Nova)
Spiderweb Software (because I don't talk about them enough)
Fire Emblem Arena Battle League
Trial of Blades
YGH: TAS

Add cool things!

Blago thing

There is a cool new feature on the thing blag.
It lets you put video links from youtube on the sidebar.
I want to use it to showcase the coolest korean rap song of the day.
It would be cool.
Let's have a vote.

An Announcement and Short Story

Due to the looming terror of AP WEEK and also AN IN-CLASS ESSAY IN ENGLISH and maybe SOME OTHER STUFF, blag posts over this coming week will be abnormally short - from me, at least. You may consider them similar to some form of poetry, should it suit you.

(Did you know that there are over 500 episodes of the Pokemon anime - and that 1% of them are banned in the US?)

Men cannot fight gods; or, at least, this is how the people justified their defeat, when the Champion arose. He was weak, at first; able to defeat only the most pathetic of foes. But he learned, and he grew, and somehow those who sought to oppose him found themselves forever just a little behind him. He never lost. They sent thugs after him; then grunts, then officers, then small armies, growing increasingly desperate. And he always won; any enemy strong enough to defeat him never reached him, and all the rest became simple grist for the mill of his self-improvement. He was unstoppable.

Or that is how they justified it, when he slew their King and sat the Iron Throne, dispensing dictates from above. He must be a god; for else, he should surely have lost. He never did; and somehow, no one really questioned why.

Yaplet

Yaplet is the embedded chat thingy in the sidebar. It enables communication between people who don't have Gtalk or Gtalk-enabled iChat, and it has pretty much the easiest interface ever.

How to use Yaplet!

The little box to the lower left is your name. You can change it by just typing in a different one. The box next to that is where you type your messages. See? Easy! Up top, there's a logo and a number of icons. The number next to the logo indicates how many people currently have Yaplet open. This could mean that they are actively chatting, or they could just be reading the blog. Who knows?

You know! By clicking the number, a list of users appear. The black names represent people who are representin'. The grey names represent people who have represented in the past. From this pop-up-ish list, you can PM, ignore and vote to ban people.

Next to the little number is a key, where you can choose to cancel or allow swear filtering (though we probably won't be needing that) or do administrative things, though none of us are webmasters of anything.

Next to the key is a bell. Click it to enable audio notifications of new messages. Useful if you end up minimizing the poplet. (Remember that word!)

Next to the bell lie two ways of sharing the chat, but we all know about it anyway.

Now for the cool part!

Click on the little double-window icon or the 'Bookmarklet' link above to bring up the poplet, or pop-up bookmarklet. Now you can minimize Yaplet or browse other sites while using it! "But I don't wanna go to the blog every time I want to chill wit mah froods," you say. "Also, you're the coolest EVER." Therein lies the cool part! If you drag the word 'Bookmarklet' up into your bookmarks bar or toolbar or whatever, you can click it at any time to bring up a chatroom! If there's anyone inside, chat away; if not, click the little bell and minimize it, and you'll hear a beep-like beep the next time somebody says something. If you don't have a bookmarks bar, you can secondary-click ('right-click' is discriminatory in that it implies that the person is right-handed!) the 'Bookmarklet' link and there should be an option to add it to your bookmarks.

An annotation! If you go to the official Yaplet site, you'll be presented with a bookmarklet that allows you to chat in a different room, depending on the site you're on at the time. The 'Bookmarklet' link on here gives you only one one chat room: ours.

Etiquette time!

The cool thing about Yaplet is that it lets you have a conversation from anywhere on the Internet. The bad thing is that a conversation is typically comprised of two things:

1. A set of people

2. At least one idea

What does this mean? It means a conversation cannot occur if you constantly rename yourself, leaving all with ambiguity as to your true identity. If you need to rename yourself for comedic effect, do so infrequently with cleverness, not frequently with randomness. It's seriously not funny most of the time. In addition, there's no way of tracking who's who, as there are no notifications upon a name change. In addition, remember the golden rule of not having anything to do with MySpace: customize only to optimize. (You don't want to be like MySpace, do you?)

I will now leave you with two hypothetical conversations depicting the advantages of being more than yourself.

Conversation 1: A Fierce Battle

Ratte-Kinge: Yeah democracy!

King Kessler: Boo dictatorship in the absence of checks and balances! Yeah wikiism!

Ratte-Kinge: Boo vandalism!

King Kessler: But graffiti can be art sometimes!

Jesus^NPC: I beg to differ with your implication!

Jesus^NPC: While artistic value can certainly be conveyed through graffiti, there are few advantages offered by the medium aside from greater exposure.

Jesus^NPC: This greater exposure, however, is the direct result of advertising to airspace that doesn't belong to the vandal in question. In short, stealing!

Ratte-Kinge: ... Wow, man, do you just listen in on conversations until you hear the slightest implication of immorality, then metaphorically pounce on the sinner in the form of a sermon?

Jesus^NPC: Naw, that'd be a bit of a time-drainer. I get an RSS feed to my cell phone.

King Kessler: You can get an RSS feed for Yaplet?

Jesus^NPC: I'm in heaven, man. EVERYTHING has an RSS feed.

King Kessler: ...

Ratte-Kinge: ...

Jesus^NPC: ...

King Kessler: Yeah communism!

Jesus^NPC: Ideal communism, of course!

King Kessler: Of course!

Conversation 2: Dress-Up

Picard^1: Lol, I'm Picard.

PIANIST^NPC: Lol, I'm a pianist.

/npc Your: Mom Lol, I'm your mom.

/npc Your^NPC1: Mom Lol, you didn't use proper grammar.

Desmond^1: Lol, I'm stupid.

Ratte-Kinge^NPC: Lol, Desmond just claimed to be stupid.

Ratte-Kinge^1: I do, indeed, say, old chap, that in fact, I currently lack tendencies to partake in the act of emphasizing previously-iterated statements concerning Desmond's apparent claims relating to possible mental retardation on his part.

PIANUSFORTE: Lol, I'm the thing at which the pianus-fisch excels.

Blag Facts

WHAT IS THE LEAGUE OF DESMOND?
Historically, the League of Desmond can trace its heritage back thousands of years, to continent-spanning empires and brave warrior orders. The League of Desmond is a small group of school-friends, who enjoy one another's company and have generally similar senses of humor.

WHAT IS THE LEAGUE-BLAG FOR?
The League-Blag was created so that members of the League could share things that wouldn't fit the format of e-mail or speech as well. Any sort of writing, fiction or non-fiction, is welcome here if it seems at all likely to interest members of the League. Even mere YouTube or webcomic links are welcome as long as they provide some content as well; a review, a criticism, a parody... something more than a one-line description.
Others are welcome on the blag; though the blag was initially created for, and generally written to, members of the League, non-Desmondites are welcome, so long as they do not vandalize or flame.

WHAT IS THE LEAGUE-BLAG NOT FOR?
The League-blag is not for anything that would be better sent on the League of Desmond mailing list. Links, requests for clarification, chain letters... all of these are read quickly and then forgotten. The purpose of posting on the blag, rather than the mailing list, is to allow easy reference to earlier posts, and encourage a more leisurely consumption of content. If posts go up that are essentially pointless - that no-one will plausibly have any reason to look at twice - then the blarchive becomes swelled and difficult to navigate, and the League-blag suffers.
This policy, it should be noticed, is not enforced - with the exception of vandalism, which is smote with a swift and deadly hand. For new posters especially, gentleness and flexibility is advisable, and it is always better to side with more content rather than less.

WHAT IS THIS POST FOR?
I do not intend this post to be a condemnation of any recent posters who have violated it, nor a tyrannical, unilateral repurposing of the blag. If anyone believes that this post could be usefully clarified, amended, or otherwise enhanced, by all means; let them. Disagreements can be settled by IM. Let there be peace between Desmondites and peace between non-Desmondites alike.

Link problems

Changing the url to unterseeboot.blogspot.com (instead of unterseeboot2.blogspot.com) was an admirable move, but it may have had certain unintended consequences. There are a number of internal links within the blag, pointing at other posts (especially my histories). With the move, it's likely that most or all of these links are now broken. If so, someone (probably me) is going to have to go through every post on the blag before the move and fix every single link.

Also, I do have real content planned to come out before the end of the day. Sizzling hot, to end this weekend's plague of administrative nonsense.

Real Names

So this is how this'll work: If you're okay with your real name appearing anywhere on this blog, say so here. Otherwise, nicknames of all sorts will be used in their place. If you don't respond, it will be assumed that you never saw this post, and your real name will be withheld out of respect for your privacy and/or paranoia.

Blah, blah, blah

You may have noticed that there are two chatting links at the right. Both lead to the same chat room, but are formatted differently. CHAT ROOM brings up a poplet, or pop-up bokmarklet, and CHAT BAR brings the chat room up in the sidebar. I suggest you bookmark either CHAT ROOM for general chatting or CHAT BAR instead of the blog. This will enable plenty of group communication! Then we can all be Web 2.0!

BLOG PROPOSAL #2: Widen the blag

I hereby propose that we widen the blag by 108 pixels. My reasoning is twofold:
1) There's a lot of text and images goin' up on the old blargotron. It's nice not to have to scroll as much. And the default column width leaves two-thirds of my screen blank, which seems wasteful.
2) Unless your machine is running on less than 800*600, it's unlikely that you'll have to scroll horizontally on the new arrangement. Thus, it shouldn't inconvenience anyone.

I sort of maybe implemented this proposal already, but I'm really really sorry about it, and I'll revert it if you lot want to.

BLOG PROPOSAL #1: Restricting Blog Access

It has come to my attention that some members feel obligated to publicise the blog. However, who, outside the League of Desmond would even want to read this blog, and even if they did, what would we benefit from them? Furthermore, this blog contains somewhat personal data for all of us that I would not feel comfortable sharing with the entirety of the Internet. I hereby then propose that the blog be made private, so that only members can view the contents.

Hm.

Not going to be able to really post today - gotta go out of town for the night, Passover-style. I hear that Grid Wars is pretty good? You could check that out. Otherwise, entertain yourself. I totally think that David should post a short Chronicle, but anything would work, within reason. Must maintain posting rate!

And if you lot use my absence to nefarious ends, your changes are getting reverted and you are getting de-Admin'd. Beware!

Note: For some reason, these silly mac-things won't let me embed links or edit html. Odd.

EDIT: Reverted and de-Admin'd. That's quite enough for one week.