matthew the master of his gourd

The Second Book Of Matthew

Chapter V

1 And it came to pass that Matthew ascended the holy stepps, to Asgard, or which was like thereof.
2 And at the top there were a dozen virgins, and one more, such that it was a backer’s dozen.
3 And there were wee tables of gold, and trenches, and ditches that were wide and brow the beams, and aft were the masts and the bow, the stern, the spinning decks of the fine vessel.
4 And Matthew did look out upon the harbour, and there were many lights, for the city was a lively port of trade, and there were Moslems there, and it was good.
5 And yea, there was a fiddler, and a man who strummed a lute, and a flautist, and many percussive journeymen, and did they pound, and did they weave about, and were they merry.
6 And the merriness pervaded the vessel, such that the Men were overcome, and bubbled their mirth upon the floors.
7 And the womons, seeing them in this wild and profane manner, did become overcomed themselfes, and joined them on the floor, and there was much copulation.
8 And Matthew, seeing his debauchery, though he was a good Christian man, and respected the ways of the publick, did desire to copulate with a womon.
9 And he spotted many fine compatriotes, from similar lands, and he did copulate with them.
10 But there was one particular womon which he most depply deisred to copulate with, however, she, being the wyfe of a Moslem, and Matthew being a Christian, it would be forbidden by the ordinances of the citys.
11 Thus did Matthew stalk, and sneak, and spy upon the citizens upon the vessle, until at last he had discovered the womon which he did with to copulate with.
12 But the womon was already in the act of copulating with her husband, and Matthew saw his man-thing, and the one his own stood up proudly as well.

Chapter VI

1 However a sudden bout of illness, perhaps it was the vittles of which he had partacken earlier, or perhaps the gentle rocking and swayeing of the vessel, or perhaps he had contracted the syphillis, or the consumption, as he had previously travailed to the darker parts of the Continent.
2 And thus he was stricken to a time to the aft deck, where he nursed his bowels with linament, and oils, and perfumes, and ethers.
3 And after a while, his illness had passed, soothed by the musics of the lute that did eminate from the below.
4 Thus did the Matthew travel back to the floor where the men copulated, and he once again saw the womon with which he wished to do the same, and he copulated by himself in her general visinitie, and the womon the laugh, and jump about, in fervour, and he was much pleased with himself.
5 And thus did Matthew did attempt on many attempts to approach the womon and ask her hand in marraige, such that he may know her by laying with her, however, she, being married, would be furtive, and he knowed that she would deckline his offer, and he skulked intermittently.
6 Thus did Matthew, discouraged, retreat to the lower decks of the vessel, and he did engage in many acts of debauchery,
7 And did he sing songs, such that they were displayed on a revolving scroll, that did revolve upon its own accord, and that did create much merriment.
8 And did he drink of the horn of the ram, and with spirits of fermented grapes, and oranges, and did he take many herbes of the earth in a smoking vessel.