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The Book of Matthew

Chapter VI

1 And it came to pass that Matthew resided in the great catacombs for ten fortnights, and ten fortnights more, and his beard grew to a great length, that was 10 cubits across, and his coat grew ragged once again.
2 And Matthew, once again wishing to encumbre a womon to attack at the harvest festival, and he did venture into the sun light once again.
3 And when Matthew stepped upon the holy stones, at Babylon, and hung himself upon a vine, and saw the landscape, he saw many pleasant womons bathing in the lakes of the region, and he was much aroused, and he felt his horn expand, and it was quite uncomfortable.
4 And he pleasured himself upon the vine, and the womons saw him, and they were much offended.
5 And Matthew, fearing that he would lose the affections of the womons, did descend, and he removed his beard upon a scraping-wheel, such that his chin was exposed, and he did tan himself with the sun's light, and he did change his appearence such that he was not recogniseable.
6 And Matthew went to the bathing place, and he decided to accost a womon whom he had seen many times before, and who was acquanited with the technocracies of the modern age.
7 This womon was indeed pleaseant to the eyes, and to the noses, and the fingres, and Matthew, who apprecieated this fact, decided to accost her verily.
8 So Matthew sojourned to the womon-cubicle, whereupon he delivered his wordes.

Chapter VII

1 And it came to pass, that Matthew, seeking to impress the womon with his command of the technocracies of the modern age, did perform a mating call that was smooth, and clarion, and harmonious, and good.
2 Then he said unto the womon: "Come, and rest in my shelter, and we will know each other by laying together, and produce many childrens, such that we may know them by laying with them, and then attach yeself to a rope of waxen linens, and take ten bottles of strong drink, and we shall go to the festival."
3 And the womon, much bemused, and yet amused, did say unto Matthew: "Thou speakth of much pleasant ideas, and pleasurable deeds, yet, I, who has not forseen the future, nor consulteth the Oracle at Nikolsusath, cannot release my nubiliuty upon thee."
4 And Matthew, much embarrased, left the mud-cave, and he screamed a terrible death-wail.
5 And then he took his beard from the scraping-wheel, and he burned it in a funeral pyre, and he took his bottle, which he had soaked in leaves of the plant which grows by the river, and he pressed it to the orifices of the womon, and she was asleeped, and paralysed, and Matthew saw that it was good.
6 But Matthew could not bring himself to know her by laying with her, as he was not a violent man.
7 Thus instead he took a goat, and slaughtered it, and offered the entrails upon an altar, and ensmeared his hands with the blood, and he emsmeared the body of the womon with the blood, such that it spelled a message in the Cannannite alphabet.
8 And the message said: "Sibile: You were raped, by the Djinni"
9 Then Matthew took his loin-cloth, and his gourd, and he fastened it to his genitalia with a cord, and he took his brief-case, and he left.