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The Book of Matthew

Chapter VIII

1 And it came to pass that Matthew, fearing he would not find a womon to take upon his back to the festival, hastened in his pursuits.
2 So Matthew, at the great Oratorium, whereupon he did study to be a scholar, of the economies, and he did prepare himself for the gauntlet, and he did take much violent travails, and it was good.
3 After the gauntlet had passed, Matthew, who had finished expidently, loitered outseide and waited for a womon who was also in the same oratorium to exit, for he did intend to accost her violently.
4 And the womon exited.
5 However, Matthew was summariliy accosted by a most foul gentleman, who did bide and distract him to the infernal pits of hell.
6 Then the Matthew escaped the grasp of the gentleman, and it was good.
7 So Matthew followed the womon, and repeated the same procedure on her, however, it gained the same effects.
8 And Matthew was much agrieved, and he devised a much more devious plan in his deep heart.

Chapter IX

1 And it came to pass that Matthew did hire the services of an investigator, who was a scribe at the library of Alexandria, and he did give the scribe five and ten shekels, and he said unto him: "Thou shalt go and follow this womon, who is hot, and make careful note of her behaviour, and her tendencies to follow in the affnities of Men."
2 Then he said: "And if thou find the womon be in the company of a man who is twice her age, thou shalt be paid five and ten shekels, and if she be in the company of a man thrice her age, thou shalt be paid five shekels."
3 So the scribe did go, and apply a powder to his shoes, and tie his long hair into a small shape, such that it was not swaint by the wind, and he sacrificed a goat, and he took the blood and ensmeared it upon his genitals, and he affixed a sheet of goat's skin, while it was sticky, and it was good.
4 And the scribe did go, and he saw the womon with a man who was thrice her age.
5 Then Matthew became displeased, and he paid the scribe, and then he went to his bedchambres, and dreamed pleasant dreams for a long time.
6 And he said unto himself "I shall need to find a womon before the time has run out."

Chapter X

1 And it came to pass that Matthew repeated his procedure once more again for a different womon, and she was also the same way as the others, and his constrenation was compounded by fivifold, and he did pound the ground, and jump off of walls.
2 So Matthew spent three days and three nights in the company of a womon which he had previously accosted in simialar manner, and who was friendly to him, and who was pleasant.
3 And it came to pass that Matthew would perhaps summon his own womon at the festival, and know her by laying with her.
4 And it was good.