Our Anonymous Correspondent Plans a Date!

Advice is requested.

how do i get that womon

alone

in a dark

place

where there are no witnesses

We request clarification; our correspondent replies promptly.

look

it just has to be a place

where there is nobody

around

and relatively soundproof

We observe that these conditions seem somewhat peculiar.

also

it needs to be near like

a body of water

or maybe

somewhere

with soft earth

Why?

for

relaxation

Being somewhat unsure of his intentions, we ask our correspondent to re-iterate his requirements.

i just want to like

hang out

with her

in a place

you know

that is

tightly sealed

and that like

she wont fall out

by accident

and people cant go inside

to look around

...she won't fall out by accident?

you know

escape

i mean

We observe that this clarification in no wise improves our perception of the situation.

look

ok look

i just want to chill with that womon

at the lake

you know

alone

isnt that nice

also

i need some bags

and like

some heavy rocks

you know

for a tarp

in case it rains

and also

some

chloroform

you know

in case i have to dissolve

some organic

compounds

It is good that we have explanations, or these items would appear suspicious.

i mean

you know

i need to get

a lock pick

to get into her room

i mean

no

i mean

my bike

the locks busted

you knwo

thats totally legal

you know

im just stating

some plans

its like

just

you know

legal

and stuff

so ya

um

ya

thats what i mean

t

man

what were you thiniking

your sick

you know that

man

look

i already said too much

no

wait

no i didnt

i didnt say anything

illegal

man

your sick

im not crazy

man

Thanks to the vast amounts of advice we provided, our correspondent now appears ready for a perfectly splendid date.

Success!

History: A Discussion

Moderated by the eminent Dr. Zhang, arch-professor of History at Gressenheller University. Let's thank him for his time here tonight, and then watch as the discussion begins. Wow! So tightly focused!

Tarvek S: Pardonnez-moi, monsieur, mais ou est la catastrophe?
Gilgamesh W: En Utah, je crois!
Il y a un grand feu.
C'est quinze miles proche d'Eli!
Tarvek S: Wow! I hear it's also pretty bad down near LA.
They are "besieged".
By flame!
Gilgamesh W: (Il m'a telephone il y a une heur)
*heure?
Indeed!
Tarvek S: Oh!
He never calls me.
But that is all right.
We were never really that close.
Even before his untimely accident.
Gilgamesh W: How ironic, given that his untimely accident caused his left arm to be permanently glued to your right!
Tarvek S: Ironic indeed.
Like rain on your wedding hay!
Gilgamesh W: Wet hay is entirely inconsumable.
Tarvek S: It's tragic, it is!
The wedding will never go through like this!
Gilgamesh W: A good thing, I think; they've only known each other for three weeks.
Although, statistically speaking, their communities have extremely low divorce rates!
Tarvek S: That's true.
It's their stoic Mormon way!
The Mormons had a kingdom once, you know.
In Wisconsin, on an island.
It ended poorly.
As most kingdoms do.
Oh - I was reading about a kind of a tragic thing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Republic_of_Ragusa
It was its own independent state for centuries.
A history, famous (or semi-famous) inhabitants, the works.
Gilgamesh W: Should I roll my Rs when pronouncing its name?
Tarvek S: And I had never heard of it until today.
Possibly.
It's dead!
It's gone!
Even its name practically forgotten. (Except for Wiki, of course.)
Gilgamesh W: How curious!
Tarvek S: (The possibly was for the r-rolling.)
Gilgamesh W: What lead to its demise?
Tarvek S: Napoleon.
He had many guns.
The Ragusans had rather fewer.
Gilgamesh W: Blast that Napoleon
Tarvek S: They didn't really put up much of a fight.
Gilgamesh W: And his cookies, too
Tarvek S: Man, if it weren't for his hunger for cookies, he would've started hardly any wars!
Gilgamesh W: Quite!

And that wraps it all up, folks. Thanks for watching, and I hope you've enjoyed your time here. Don't forget to tip Dr. Zhang at the door!

On Cosmology

A philosophical dialogue, discussing the nature of the cosmos. In the mold of Galileo.

Simplicio: So what if the stars one day was gone,
and what if the wind died to ask away.

Salviati: That sounds kinda neat.

Simplicio: not realty

Salviati: Why is it not neat?

Simplicio: becues
then
like
it would be
hot
all the time

Salviati: But if the stars were gone, it'd get rather cold, wouldn't it?

Simplicio: no
why

Salviati: Well, no heat.
(The Sun is a star.)
So the Earth would begin to cool.
Radiating its finite supply of heat into uncaring space.

Simplicio: what
since when

Salviati: Since Copernicus?
Well, no. [This was an error. Kepler would have been a better choice.]

Simplicio: i dont believe
you

Salviati: Quick!
In which year did the Papacy admit that the Earth was not stationary?

Simplicio: what

Salviati: 1992!

Simplicio: it isnt
?

Salviati: Not really, no.

Simplicio: since when

Salviati: Since its formation?
(From the protoplanetary disc.)

Simplicio: ...
where is it going
then

Salviati: In an ellipse!
Basically.

Simplicio: how do you know

Salviati: The variations in speed and direction of the apparent motion of the Moon, Sun, and planets!

Simplicio: what if they are moving
around the earth
did you ever thing of that
hmmmmmmmmmmm

Salviati: Yep!

Simplicio: ?

Salviati: See, if they are, then things get really messy.
You have to add all kinds of arbitrary fiddliness to the orbital mechanics to accomodate them.

Simplicio: ok
then
do that

Salviati: Why, when the maths are so much cleaner for a heliocentric system?
It just makes more sense!

Simplicio: that just
you know
maht man
you know
dof
cant prove
nothing

look
do you think
the earth
is round
too
??
hmmm
?

Salviati: Hmmmmmmmm
?
Well, yes.

Simplicio: what
that doesnt
make
any sense

Salviati: Sure it does.
How else do you explain time zones?

Simplicio: like
one part
is closer
to the sonne
then
the other

Salviati: How would that cause one part to be dark, while the other remains light?

Simplicio: man
if you stond
in a dark
roo
m
and then
you turn on
the light
then
like
the part
that was far
is still dark
man

Salviati: ..."The part that was far"?

Simplicio: from
the light

Salviati: Not really.
Not unless you're standing in the way.

Simplicio: its more dark
than
the close

Salviati: True; but the light is still clearly visible.
This is not so, at night.

Simplicio: it is
hto
that

Salviati: You can see the sun at night?
Remarkable!

Simplicio: the moon

Salviati: So your argument is that the moon and the sun are one and the same?

Simplicio: ya

Salviati: Then how do you explain those occasions on which you can see both at once?

Simplicio: its just
optical
illusion
you know

Salviati: No, I don't.
Do explain.

Simplicio: ilke
if you lond you finger
close
to your nose
its like
you can see
a hot dog

Salviati: No you can't.
What are you talking about?
Are you hallucinating?
Have you had too much of the hashish?
Again?

Simplicio: ..
look
http://www.coolopticalillusions.com/crazy/sausage_finger.htm

Salviati: Probably exploting the blind spot of the eye, I guess?
I can't really do it.

Simplicio: well
that is how
that works
look
man
if the world
is round
then
how can you live
on the bottom
you fall off
you know

Salviati: Look to the ancients, my friend.
Aristotle wrote that each object seeks its own proper place.
Rocks seek the ground; balloons seek the sky.
Thus, a person on the "bottom" of the earth would seek the ground just as we do on the "top", and percieve matters in the exact reverse way.
Does that settle your concern?

Simplicio: but then
if they camt
to the top
then they fall off
man

Salviati: Not so.
A person is not bound to where they are born; just as if you take a rock up from the ground, and carry it a hundred miles, it will not seek to roll back to its origin!
The ground is the ground wherever it should be, on the 'top' of the earth, the 'bottom', or anywhere in-between.
We seek but the nearest point.

Simplicio: man
you are crazy

Salviati: Pah!
Ad hominem!
And unsubstantiated, at that.
If I am crazy, what proof do you have for it?
We deal in logic here, my friend, not mud-slinging!

Simplicio: are you saying
there is like
some force
that draws
things
to the earth

Salviati: That could be the mechanism.
I offer no opinon on the matter.

Simplicio: then
why the sun
doesnt crash

Salviati: Well, we know that this hypothetical "force" obviously doesn't operate on all objects.
Recall, balloons seek the sky, not the earth.
Perhaps the Sun seeks its own position, instead.

Simplicio: but
if you put the air
out of it
then
it goes down

Salviati: True.
(Also, it'd have to have helium or hydrogen or such inside - a balloon filled simply with air, unless heated, will just be quite light... but I digress.)
I'm not sure what your argument is.
That if you take part of a balloon out, it ceases to be a balloon?

Simplicio: no
its still
a balon
but
it doesnt go up

Salviati: A problem with terminology, I suppose.
Call it a "filled balloon".

Simplicio: en
then
why
when you go to
the moone
you are not
sucked
back

Salviati: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
A wise question!
Perhaps the attraction we feel towards the earth diminishes with distance; just as a wealthy merchant's loyalty to his wife varies as he travels.

Simplicio: .........

Salviati: Or perhaps we might feel such an attraction to any great body; the Earth, the Moon, even the Sun, could we somehow travel there.
Or both!

[A pause, as the participants in the dialogue break for croissants. On their return:]

Simplicio: how can the earth go around the sun
then it would have to move
and it have
no legs
or wings
and
you would feel
the wind
going fast
around it

Salviati: Give me a moment.
Firstly: Many things move without legs or wings.
Consider a hurled stone.
Has it legs? Has it wings?
Not unless you're abusing a piece of statuary.
(In which case you are to be chastised.)

Simplicio: but

Salviati: Nonetheless: it moves!

Simplicio: there is nothing
to hurl
the earth

Salviati: Let us consider a model, for a moment.
It will start seemingly unrelated; but hear me out!
It will come around to the matter in good time.
So:
Let us consider a young solar system.
The Sun already burns; but no planets are in evidence.

Simplicio: that
i
s
impossilbe

Salviati: Instead, there is a wide, thin disk of matter, occasionally appearing to clump.
Also:
Why?

Simplicio: becuse
wait

Salviati: Waiting.

Simplicio: becuse
god
created the earth
before
before
there was light

Salviati: Incorrect!
First God said, "Let there be light".

Simplicio: no

Salviati: Then he created the heavens and the earth.

Simplicio: In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
2
And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
3
¶ And God said, Let there be light: 2 Cor. 4.6 and there was light.
http://www.bartleby.com/108/01/1.html

Salviati: Da[ng], I'm rusty on my scripture.
All right, two possible arguments here.
The first: Scripture does not accurately represent events.
I will keep this in reserve.
(Heh, amused at your copy-paste's linking.)

Simplicio: ?

Salviati: All right.
Note that God created the heavens and the earth - in that order!
That implies that the Sun, which is in the heavens, was created before the Earth.
So why was there no light?
Easy!
The Earth was shrouded in dust and ash from the processes that formed it.
When they were done - voila - there was light!

Simplicio: huh

Salviati: May I continue with my model?

Simplicio: ok

Salviati: So, the Sun is surrounded by a thin disk of matter.
Ah - for this model, we must assume that matter attracts matter, like to like, in proportion to its mass and inverse proportion to the distance between the masses.
My apologies for the added proviso.
With this, though, we may see that clumps of matter will grow and grow; small lumps attracting others nearby and turning into larger lumps, and then larger lumps.
Eventually, nearly all of the original debris will be sucked into one lump or another.
Most of the lumps will have little momentum to begin with; they will be inevitably attracted to the Sun, and vanish therein.

Simplicio: but
then
why doesnt small things
clump together
now

Salviati: Because they are far too small for the effect to be noticed!
Let us say that I decide to push the side of a five-deck galleon with my finger.
There is a force exerted - but can you notice it?
Not so!
It would be the same here.
Oh, alternately - I'm going to continue with the model in a moment, but I just thought of a much better explanation for why the Earth doesn't fall into the Sun.
Who says the Sun is made of matter?

Simplicio: becuse

Salviati: Wait, no, that wasn't your original question.
Ah well.

Simplicio: it is hot

Salviati: Moving on.
On the subject of our increasingly-large lumps:
But a few of them will have some siginificant momentum perpendicular to the line connecting them and the sun; then when the Sun attracts them, their path describes a circle.
(For all that is needed to create a circular path is a force pointing to the centre of the circle, with magntitude equal to the current momentum of the object travelling the path.)
(Not sure about that, actually.)
(Let me think for a second.)

Simplicio: ...

Salviati: (...yeah, basically.)
So only a few of the lumps would 'survive', but those few would all spin around the Sun.
This accurately describes what we see.
So the model, barring further objections, appears valid.
(This is the anthropic principle, basically.)
Are you satisfied with this answer?

He was.

Finis.

Fireworks: A Liveblogging

Hmm, fireworks are happening

*goes up to his roof*

Kelsey has signed off.

Kelsey_iPod has signed on.

Whoa

I can see three different fireworks shows from up here

And I can hear a fourth

And a loooot of echoes

Those fireworks sound like gunshots

And those ones sound like explosions

Those ones sound like thunder

And those ones sound like when you delete a stone block in Minecraft

It's so neat, I hear a firework from one direction and I hear its echoes from a bunch of directions all around me

Whoa

I think they used like twelve times as many fireworks in the finale as they did during the rest of the show

This whole time it was like "oh hmm fireworks"

And then at the end it was like "WHOA FIREWORKS"

Kelsey has signed on.

Kelsey_iPod has signed off.

the story of His Balls

king nikolas

was the king of a small villege

in africa

and one day

a strange man came to his kingdom

and he was wearing strange furs

and shiny jewles

and the man said

i want to see the king of your tribe

and they took him to king nikolas

and the stranger said

i have with me the greatest spear in all the lands

it will pierce the flesh of any beast

or any man

Whoa!

whom you deem your enema

and he said

(Eww.)

what

?

whom you deem your enema

...

You said it, not me!

But carry on.

then the stranger said

i will demonstrate of this

wildebeest

that is over there

and he threw the spear upon the wildebeest

and he pierced the thing

and then he cut it ip

and butchered it

and then

the hung it up to dry

in the sun

and king nikolas said

what do you want

for the spear

and he said you must give me

twenty virgins

from your tribe

and king nikolas did that

and he took the spear

and the was very excited

and he went out to the hunt

and he killed many warthogs

and he became prideful

and haughty

and then

he saw a bug

*big

ostritich

and he said

this is my chance

to finallly take down

that ostirch

and he took his spear and he threw

Finally!

with all his mite

Man, I hate that ostrich.

So cocky!

...

what

All preening and strutting around all the time.

About time I finally got around to killing it!

and he said

this is my chance

to finallly take down

...

that ostirch

that ostirch

(But carry on.)

(I'm expecting some Greek tragedy, here!)

(The ostrich is actually my wife, or my son, or my brother, or my father.)

...

(Or all of the above.)

...

(Well, probably not all of the above.)

well

anyway

the spear flew thru the air

but before it came to the

ostrich

it fell from the air

and shattered

into a milion poeces

on the ground

and king nikolas was enraged

he said

that lout

he sold me what a defecteive spear

i will hang him fhlesh

for that

and he ran back to his village

Wait, it just exploded in midair?

Man, I'd pay extra for a spear like that!

...

Man.

(Also, is this an allegory?)

maybe

Nice.

(what)

For my laptop-woes!

o yea

i guess

See, my laptop also exploded into a million pieces.

After I paid twenty virgins for it.

Metaphorically.

...

so he ran back to

his villege

and he gathered

10 myrmidons

and

10 mercenaries

Excellent!

what

Myrmidons!

...

alo

othen he found the scoundrel

at another village

and he said

you crook

you theif

how dare you sell me such

a spear

and the stranger said

plese king nikolas

allow me to explain

you see

when you threw the spear

at the ostrich

it was actually

me

in my true form

i had to use my magic

to break the spear

king nikolas was astoniched

he said

you must deliver unto me

a spear of the same might

as the one

that you gave me

before

and the ostrich man said

king nikolas

i must tell you

that the spear i gave you

was not imbued with the holy magick

for it was

that you believed in it

and yourself

that gave you the might

to slay the wart hog

it was a spear of the most ordinary sort

and king nikolas was much surporsed

I'm pretty sure that still makes him a scoundrel, though.

...

what

Well, if he sold me an ordinary spear for 20 virgins.

Sorry -

"a spear of the most ordinary sort".

man

Man?

how else is he gonna get laid

The scoundrel-dude?

It is true that King Nikolas had many virgins.

You're saying he's a sort of Robin Hood!

Taking from the rich, and giving to... himself.

ok fine

look

so then

king nikolas went back

to his village

and he used the spear technique

to train his myrmidons

and mercenaries

and he became the most powerful

No, I'm not complaining!

army

and then

I'm just trying to make this a sort of collaborative effort.

Show that I'm listening, eh?

huh

how off

Or... reading.

*odd

also

then

the stranger

smiled to himseld

and laughed

and the took out the satchel that was attached

to his loin

and he unrolled his penis

and threw it over his shoulder

and he went back home

in a magic way

taking his virgins with him

wudu

your name is wudu
my name is wudu
how do you do
well do i do
where are you from
here am i from
where
here
why do you talk like that, wudu
i talk like that because i am wudu
what do you do
wudu do i do
what is that
that is hat
what
hat
do you make hats, wudu
i do make hats, as wudu
what kind of hats
the winding hats
what is that
that is hat
wudu, i have to tell you something
tell something to me (wudu)
you are a faggot
:O         thank you

Micrologues

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"Er. Okay.

Could that revelation have been a little less dramatic?"

"No. Look. When I went to the cafè just now, I saw this chick... and she was not as hot as usual, but ... that made her even hotter...do you dig me?"

"Nope."

"Okay. Look. I went down to the cafè. Do you dig me?"

"Avast."

"What?"

"Um. Yes."

"Okay. Anyway. So I saw my this chick...and she was with this other chick...Do you dig me?"

"Er, no. Clarify?"

"Okay. Look. So I went down to the cafè...and I saw this chick... you know... and she was accompanied by another chick... Do you dig me?"

This went on for quite a while, neither party deigning to concede an inch of their margin, nor sacrifice a shred of principle for the sake of progress. Eventually, after tiring of this discourse, the parties settled upon some unclaimed tea-cakes in the drawing room, followed by cigars and whiskey.

"I think you are a good friend! I can't, though! I'm a Jew!"

The afflicted parties nodded in silence. Upon the conclusion of the debate, as is oft the custom of gentlemen in such quarters, they went upon the town. There, through a window stained with red light the parties surveyed a young prostitute.

"Women are humans of the female gender!"

"People kinda suck."

You have to burn the Wii

You have to relinquish the ketchup

but i'm not done with the ketchup

You have to go south of the hippopotamus
then you'll be able to breathe again

You have to befriend the fedora
Then you'll find true love!

You have to contemplate the rest of the day
You have to optimize the alien invasion
(Presumably in the opposite order.)

"You have to prepare for the coming of the wine cellar"

It's coming (on a thousand tiny legs)
wait
maybe not

You have to revive the friction
otherwise you'll slide right off the world

You have to defenestrate the province of Saskatchewan

RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW IT GOES

SHOOP

THERE IT WENT

BYE
(BYE)

Then: You have to curse the post-apocalyptic nightmare world!

Guess that wasn't such a good move.

All is not lost!

You have to rub the Apocalypse

Then things will get better.
(Aww.)

On the same note: You have to knit the Xbox.
(Oo, soft and cuddly!)
This is all that my Googlings found:

I'm not even disappointed!

Nor should you be!

You have to belittle the grumpy old geezer.

He's disappointed with everything!

You have to have an irrational fear of the venus fly trap

What do you mean, irrational?

You have to flee from the bartender.

Forgot your wallet?

Or: did he transform into a TEN-STORY TALL ALIEN MONSTROSITY?

I would flee from a bartender who did that.

Probably both.

You have to inflict untold horrors upon the general population.
(Is this an instruction to the bartender? Why would he need it? I do that all the time.)

You have to revive the retirement village

This one piques my curiosity.

Has the place lost its life in the metaphorical sense, or the literal one?

Who killed them?
If you revive them, do they become zombies, and are the resulting zombies different somehow?
(Perhaps they become philosophical zombies! Those are the best.)

You have to screenshot the disappointing meeting with a childhood hero

You have to obey the werewolf

You have to flail the legs

to escape
(this post!)

Google Sketchup Trouble

/===START OF MESSAGE===\

From: "Nicholas Feinberg" <nicholas.feinborg@nicholas.feinberg>
To: "Google Sketchup Help" <sketchup@googlegroups.com>
Subject: "Argh"
CC: <none>
BCC: <none>

Google Sketchup is giving me trouble.

1 Attachment:Castle - Follow 1.png

\===END OF MESSAGE===/






/===START OF MESSAGE===\

From: "Technical Support" <technicalsupport@google.com>
To: "Nicholas Feinberg" <nicholas.feinberg@nicholas.feinborg>
Subject: "Re: Arch"
CC: <none>
BCC: <none>

THANK YOU FOR PHONCALLING TECHNICAL SUPPORT
♩      ♪      ♫      ♬      ♬
THANK YOU FOR PHONCALLING TECHNICAL SUPPORT
HAVE YOU TRIED RESTARTING YOUR COMPUTER
HAVE YOU TRIED REINSTALLING MICROSOFT™ WINDOWS™™
HAVE YOU TRIED CLOSING AND REOPENING THE APPLICATION
HAVE YOU TRIED CLOSING EVERY WEB BROWSER
HAVE YOU TRIED UNINSTALLING EVERY WEB BROWSER
HAVE YOU TRIED UNINSTALLING EVERY OTHER PROGRAM
NOW YOU SHOULD HAVE HALF AS MANY PROGRAMS
YOUR COMPUTER WILL RUN TWICE AS FAST
THANK YOU FOR PHONECALLING TECHNICAL SUPPORT
PLEASE RESTART YOUR COMPUTER NOW

\===END OF MESSAGE===/

King David

Once upon a time, a Great Master cried out:

David: i am depress

He was wounded; his life's blood spilling out upon the ground! (In the land of metaphor.) His student, desperate and afraid, sought to help.

nick: noooooooooo

I must cheer you up.

The Great Master counselled against it:

David: it is imposibel

But the student was too loyal to abandon his master so readily. He thought for a moment, and then decided on a course of action.

nick: I will tell you a tale!

One upon the time, there was a man called David.

The master was unimpressed:
David: ...

nick: He was the King of the Jews.

The master was offended.
David: hey!

nick: One day, a man came up to the David.

The master was confused and delirious from blood loss.
David: is this that naked womon story


Then he fell silent, and let his student tell the rest of the tale.

-

nick:
"You are not the King of the Jews!" he said.

"I am!"

"By what right do you claim that?" replied the noble, wise, and just King David, from his twenty-foot tall throne.

"Look at me!" said the interloper.

King David looked.

The intruder had a sign upon his chest:

"I am JUDE", it proclaimed.

A man named Jude! "Why," King David said, shocked, "That's the name of the man destined to kill me and take my throne!"

"That's right!" said Jude, drawing his sword and advancing upon the King.

"And," King David continued, "That's the name of my son, who my wife sent away for fear of the prophecy!"

Jude stopped, alarmed.

"...your son?" he asked.

"Yes, you are," King David told him.

"I have missed you so much..."

The two embraced.

Then they hunted down the prophet and killed him!

It is a sin to practice false prophesy, you know.

Then everyone was happy!

All thanks to the wisdom of King David.

The end!

-

The master considered the matter for some time, chest moving up and down raggedly. (Metaphorically.) He opened his mouth once or twice, as though to speak; but nothing of value or meaning came out. The student watched anxiously, uncertain of the merit of his efforts. Then the master offered his judgement:

David: you should blog thta

The end!

King Nikolas

Nicholas:

My anger is terrible and vast.

Calm me down with a soothing tale.

Me:

i will tell you a story  

of king nikolas 

he was the king of a small country

in africa 

and there was a spider-man 

in the buches 

who liked to steal the childrens gruel 

and eat it up in the buches 

and the children was very sad because they liked to eat their gruel in the morning 

so the villegers went up to king nikolas 

and told him of their perrils 

so the king went to the vellage 

and waited in the night until the spider-man came out of the bus 

in the moon-lite 

and 

the spider man took his web, and he wrapped up all the greul in it 

and sneaked into the buches 

king nikolas said 

aha what a trisckster is he 

but i know how to catch him 

so the next nite 

he went into the coocking room 

where there was gruel 

in the sotove 

and when the spider man came onto the place 

he put some isotops in the guel 

and so when the spider man come to eat them 

he could track it with his radoiactive tape 

so he kill the spider man 

in the bush 

with a big rock 

and the vilagers were happy 

so they gave king nikolas 

a gold rock 

and a staff 

and then he became 

a moslem 

and his name was 

mansa musa 

the end

Breakfast-Time

Another lecture from the renowned Professor Z, transcribed and edited by the poster.

AGENDA:
-Breakfast components
-Threats of a Poor Breakfast
-Leeches
-Your Children (also, Saving the Princess; also, Stardust;)

For a proper breakfsot, you must eat:

eggs

bacon

sausage

roast beef

pudding

white sausage

blood sausage

kidneys

liver

beans

tomato

toast with

jam

butter

perserves

and

marmalade

cream

milk

juices

tea and coffee

with

cream

and

sugar

english miffins

scones

crumpets

croisssant

and

cigarettes

What will happen if you omit any one of those? (Also: why beans?)

then you will die

alternativley

it will be "bad for the humours"

(Appendix to the list above:)

cheeses

pastries

fruit

and

yoghurt

You just lump "fruit" as one group?

you can only eat

0.5 grams

of fruit

because

otherwise you will imbalance the humours

(also beans are "traditional")

Should one err - for instance, by eating a whole apple, instead of a healthful cigar-ette - what can be done to repair the damage? How may the humours be rebalanced?

you must drain the blood

preferaby

with leaches
you must buy them

in the market square

Trials to be surpassed in the acquisition of leeches:

you must avoid

the temptatoins

of the brothels

if you have sexuel with the humours imbalanced you will suffer great shocks

and your children will be born with the plague

You will learn of your children's sordid fate thus:

because they will be put in a box

and taken

to your door

and then

you have to go through the magic portal

in the wall

to rescue the princess

that you had sex with

because she was a slave

and like

her brothers

were fiting each other

to becom the king

and you have to go to the airship

but the guy was a homosexuel

o

and like you get turned into a mouse or something

and like the girl tells you she love yo

u

but like you can hear

even tho you are mouse

and then like

i forgot

what happen next

o and you have

a magic candel

that you can go anywhere with

o and like

there were witches

and they like cut animals

to see their entrales

and they used a rock

to make them selfes younge

o and there was a guy

called septimus

snape

and he had 7 buttons

on his shirt

and he had this guy

who told the "oracle bones"

but he was lying

so he kill him

o and the girl

was actually came down

from the sky

like a metore

and the dude like fell on her

And that is how to have a proper breakfast!

Please thank Professor Z. for his generous contribution of time to our humble blag; hopefully we'll see him again soon. There will be a cumulative exam on this material next section.

The Kel and the Ruckus

One, day, a kel was a-jollipin' through the wilderness.
He hoppined upon a rock-barrow!
He looked inside it.
He looked outside it.
It had no contents and no identification!
He resolved to bring it back home to investigate—it seemed an important artifact.
But he couldn't budge the thing!
He grunted and bunted and bustled and rustled, but all he succeeded in doing was making a ruckus.
The ruckus was apparently of a suitable size for a womon to notice!
"Are you the one bedazzled and baffled by my rock-barrow?" she asked, after popping out of a nearby mammaribush.
"Dextrous Darwinabilia!" the kel deplored!
"You oughtn't leave rock-barrows out in the open where happenin' archaeometrists such as myself could happen upon them!"
"I offer my contrition for the happenstance," compuncted the womon, "but your blathering can't compensate for your resistance to noting the pictograms!"
Indeed, she pointed at a nearby sign… a crop-sign!
The kel lamented his chance.
He was standing in the midst of a rock-barrow field!
He petulantly pranced apart from the person, a-planting his pocket-pastilles in potsoil before reaching the periphery.
Before his departure, he found that his toddling was being impersonated!
"Do my pips not stop the topping of your soil?" the kel delvt.
"Pocket pastille pips keep the sprouting to a high and the doubting to nigh naught!" the womon replied, as she eyed, then flied to a trying shrub, so as to tend to its bends (around the wheel of a growing rock-barrow).
The kel complied with the advice and decried his vice (for in these times, cultivated cultivating knowhow was a necessary virtue), then tried to leave thrice before finding the reason he hadn't.
"Are there coordinate-strings to plot or digit-strings to dial that I may disseminate to my rock-barrow-lacking friends?" the kel posed.
The womon was left agape.
Her mental model of a kel had not previously included its tendency to support small businesses!

David and the Manhole Cover

One day, David was walking down the street. He encountered a manhole cover. It was the most offensive manhole cover he’d ever seen! It was flaunting its manliness—its hard, polished steel, with strategically-placed ridges for stability. But while David could appreciate and respect the strength of another man(-), he took offense at the fact that it took advantage of a pun in such an undignified manner.

He approached it and accosted it, and demanded of it: “You wanna brawl?” The manhole cover replied in the affirmative, and they brawled. With a power level much higher than that of the manhole cover, he came out victorious!

He was left with a dilemma. however. A manhole lay agape, a gap in the middle of the road, and its plug lay disheveled, shriveled, bedraggled, a rag compared to its former self! Sixteen million tons’ worth of cars would pass over the same spot every day! He had to find a replacement!

Thankfully, he was a swordsmith’s son, and he inherited the family business, and he had all of his mother’s discipline and technique and patience and all the required traits needed to conform to Cumberland’s Swordsmithing Guidelines. He traveled all across the countryside, searching for fine materials, out of which he crafted sixteen swords—the noblest swords Cumberland had and has ever known! He arranged these swords into an irregular octacontagon, as round as any group of sixteen swords can be, and pounded them into an even surface, then watched all day as sixteen million tons’ worth of cars passed over it. It was pretty good.

Nicholas and his Horrid Affair

Nicholas scowled at the womon at the other side of the room. How dare she enter this restaurant, his restaurant, after their horrid affair? He devised a plan. A plan which could be described in a manner which used "devised" in a pun, to replace words of similar spelling. "Devilish" came to mind! He chuckled to himself. The womon would not return to his restaurant any time soon.

Ten days later, Nicholas looked again at that same spot. The womon had come in every day, seemingly just to spite him. But he had a plan, which he would set in motion! Right now! His appointed waiter moved over to the womon's table.

"The chef would like to congratulate you on your birthday!" he said.

And with that, he handed her a cake! It was so devious! By offering the hand of friendship, she would either have to accept it, or be rejected by the general populace as a loser who can't appreciate a birthday cake!

But something went wrong. So terribly wrong! Rather than becoming a loser, as Nicholas expected, she accepted the cake! She asked the waiter to thank the chef for his kind gift! And it was at that moment that Nicholas saw the flaw in his plan. The womon perceived him to be the cause of their horrid affair! She accepted his gift, the gift she assumed was of an apologetic nature!

Nicholas thought fast. His mind raced with the possibilities and probabilities of this misunderstanding, as well as a general wondering as to when "fast" became an adverb.

He leaped out of the shadows, and did what Nicholases do best!

"Ha! Fool!" he bejested her. "You have fallen for my evil cake~plan. After thirty minutes, your spleen will do the exact opposite of what spleens are supposed to do! The same effect will befall a number of other vital organs! You have no choice but to—"

Just then, a pre-planned helicopter burst through the front of the restaurant, causing such a ruckus that the second half of his sentence was left unpronounced! Or so he would later claim. In truth, he had no clue what choices the womon could have in such a situation. He thanked himself for carrying, in his emergency dentures, the remote control for his helicopter. The helicopter which he now boarded! As he flew away, leaving the womon very confused and even more doubtful as to the veracity of his claims, he chuckled to himself. Then he chuckled again, because he found amusing the fact that he had the last laugh.

Worth Noting

So Darius was all "dude ask Delaine about the thing with the thing" and I was all like "you are a very silly man" and he was all "what why" and the simplest explanation possible was the following transcript from the future.

Ceol: Hey dude!
Delaine: Who are you?
Delaine: How did you get this number?
Delaine: Out! OUT!
Ceol: WAUGH
Ceol: WAIT
Ceol: I come in place of Darius Zachariah.
Ceol: I believe you know him.
Delaine: Oh yeah, I hate that guy.
Delaine: Why isn't he talking?
Delaine: He is online and stuff.
Ceol: He's too shy to talk to you because he fancies you.
Delaine: o lol
Ceol: So anyways:
Ceol: What does CGR stand for?
Delaine: How do you know that name?
Ceol: Oh, Darius shows us all the transcripts of his conversations with you.
Delaine: That's totally sensible and not stalkerlike.
Delaine: Anyway, CGR stands for
CONTINUITY ERROR
ABORT

In summary: Continuity errors are a pain to fix. Don't try to solve problems requiring hard facts by engaging in hypothetical conversations.

Nicholas and the Tree

one day
nikolas was out for a drive
he stumbled upon
a tree
he said to himself
"this is not a normal tree"
"i can tell by the branches"
indeed, the branches were bizarre
they formed curious shapes
nikolas sought to imitate the branches
he contorted his limbs to imitate four of them
suddenly
the tree spoke
"you are a very silly man"
nikolas was surprised
he tried to speak with the tree
"you are a very silly tree"
"i was doing naught but replicating your pose"
but the tree did not respond
nikolas was perplexed
he formed his limbs into another pose
one representing the sorrow in the core of his being
for he could not carry on a conversation with something as boring as a tree
his pose reflected such sorrow
that the tree was touched
"you see"
the tree said
"you attained much greater satisfaction by expressing yourself"
"rather than imitating others"
nikolas was surprised
and happy
he would grow to be great friends with the tree
and he kept creating original content
and licensing it under creative commons
because creativity stems from other work
but it is not taken directly
so he would allow others to adopt his poses
and the poses grew more elaborate
and varied
contributed by people of all walks of life
they learned
that these poses were especially touching if they were strung together in sequence
and this
is how nikolas
created
dance

DAVID'S HEART: Tale of a Womon

The following was inscribed on golden tablets and slabs of black diorite, given to me by an angel of ZHNG. I here present a translation, from the original Semitic.

a womon is online

tempting me

like moths to a flame

until the end of time

time ticks by

slowly
drips

viscous

and cold

burning my flesh

and my soul

death

surrounds

light fades

the end comes

for the love of a womon

The angel informed me that ZHNG, after writing this heartbreaking tale, drowned his sorrows in angel's tears.

Circumstances

This was also Kelsey's idea.

Kelsey: LOL!

17:28 me: 着く次第ペ**のサンドを食べる

Kelsey: The sand of the circumstance p**** which arrives is eaten

17:29 You should write a story on that.

me: LオL

Kelsey: Then change 'p****' to 'Desmond' at the last minute.

me: 。。。

17:30 Kelsey: You know, for censorship.

Censorship is important.

One day, a brave adventurer packed up his knapsack and set off on his grand aeroplane to the desert, where he crash-landed...on his crotch. "Oh, man this circumstance sucks!" he exclaimed as he fell into a sand dune, whimpering in pain.

ケルシはいろんな町に住んでいました。貧乏な周囲に生まれたら、大体飛行機を飛ばしてはいけません。だけど、ケルシは勇気がありました。

Niuklase

Niuklase was a poor man
Who lived in a
Small cottage by the lake
Where mists swirled by
And broke through
The rafters of the dwelling
Though on some days
The sun shone upon the
Grass and reflected
Beams of light came through
And flew in Niuklase's window
And all knew he was among
The greatest fishermen that
did live in the county
So one day when the
streams bubbled and the fish
leapt and sailed through
the air and catched the sun's
rays, Niuklase did go and
take his net
and his poles
and his bait-fishes
and he did go in to the
streams
he dived head first
and saw mauntains
of streaming fish
cod
majestic
and living
in a terribly wonderful
and glimmering
shoal
and he did cast his net
but something happened
on that day
Nikoulas turned into a
cat man
and once saw
the grace
of
the cod