more amourous adventures

The Book of Matthew

Chapter III
1 And it came to pass that Matthew, who desired a womon to take with upon him in a burlap satchel to the harvest, did go and accost many fine young virgins at the fountains.
2 And the virgins saw Matthew, and they were not pleased by his appearence, nor his manners, nor his unkempt pouches, nor his fettered robe.
3 And then Matthew attempted to approach one, and assault her, such that he may abduct her to his dwellings, and restrain her, such that she would be attached to him by a great rope at the festival.
4 But the Matthew, being a coward, and not of the correct disposition, did not carry out his plan.
5 So the Matthew retreated to his hovel to prepare himself once again.

Chapter IV

1 Thusly it came to pass that Matthew did undertake upon himself the preparations of the accostment.
2 And thus Matthew wrapped himself up in a loincloth of sheep's skins, and took upon his genitals a great horn that was long, and hollow, and smooth, and he fastened it upon himself with a length of cord, and it he saw that it was good.
3 And then he took the juices and the powders of the berries that were red, and those that were blue, and he crushed them upon a stone, and he wetted it with water, such that it became wet, and a paste.
4 And he took his paste and he rubbed it upon his face, such that he became as a great bird with red and blue colourings.
5 And then he went into the forest and he collected herbes that were strong of odour, and of chymicals, and he burned then in his hearth-pit, and he inhaled of the odours, and he saw that it was good.

Chapter V

1 And it came to pass that Matthew did approach the place of the virgins again.
2 The womons saw Matthew, and he was indeed pleasant to the eye, and to the nose, and the tongue, and they licked him vigourously.
3 And Matthew, deriving much pleasure from this, elongated his genitalia.
4 However the horn which constrained it prevented him from the embarrasement he would otherwise suffer.
5 And thus Matthew did take one of then aside, and covered her orifices with a bottle which had been soakes with the leaves of the plant that grows by the riverside, such that she was paralyesed, and in a sleep, and it was good.
6 And when the womon had awoken, Matthew did ask her about the festival, however, she, being a good and nubile womon, was already the third wife of a powerful Assyrian and Phonecian man, and it was without use that Matthew did accost her.
7 Thus, Matthew, being sad, did retreat into the Library, at Alexandria, and confine himself to the paryrus carvings.