matthew's amourous adventures

The Book of Matthew

Chapter I

1 And thus Nikolas begot Kesley, and Kelsey begot Devon, and Devon begot Matthew, and Matthew, who was a virgin, did seek companionship of the womon kinde.
2 And Matthew said: "Let there be a tree, and let the tree be ten cubits tall, and ten wide, and let the tree bear fruit that is a womon, and let the womon that it doth bear be hot, and let her love me, and know me by laying with me, and be nubile, and good.
3 And there was a tree, and it bore fruit, and the fruit was not of the womon kind.
4 And Matthew said: "Let there be a curse on the tree for ten thousand years, and then ten thousand years more, and let its branches prickle, and be wirey, and spiney, and sharp, and let its roots be gnarled, and tangled, and grotesque, and let its fruit be sour, and bittre, and hard, and unpleasant to man, and the beasts of the fleshe, and the birds, and the serpentes.
5 And it was so.
6 And Matthew saw that it was good, and he resolved himself to more productive pursuits.

Chapter II

1 And it came to pass that Matthew was to be schooled, at the schooling-place, the gymnasium, and the lyceum, and he did go there.
2 And he learned of the maths, and the chymistry, and the physick, and the classicks, and the philosophie, and it was good.
3 And it came to pass that one day the officer of the guard decided to celebrate the harvests, and he said unto the masses: "Let there be a festival, and let it be ten cubits long, and ten wide, and ten deep, and let the body of the population entre itself unto it, and celebrate with strong drinks, and hot beverages, and dance, and syncopate, and swivel, and in general manner flaunt one's mating behaviours."
4 And it was so.
5 And it came to pass that Matthew wished to go to this festival, and throw himself through hoops of fire, and perform brazen acts, and lewd ones as well.
6 But Matthew did not wish to go as well.
7 He did not wish to go because he knew that he would not be able to bring a womon to the festival, and he would be punished.
8 So Matthew set out on a quest to find a womon to bring upon his back to the festival.