Hyperlocal Issues

There is a problem.

In the shopping center near this author's residence, there was once plentiful parking. Vast swathes of tarmac lay unclothed by metal automotives, day and night; there was space for everyone to co-exist. And it was good.

Then came construction. First one chunk of parking lot was ripped up and built upon; then another. Rather than supplying parking spaces, the areas so destroyed now required parking spaces, for the new customers they brought. And at the same time, new businesses opened throughout the shopping center, bringing new life to the area. It began to hum with activity; and slowly, the parking lot filled.

Tonight, the naturally conclusion came. The parking lot filled - cars circled endlessly, hunting for spaces - and began to move outwards. First the street leading from the shopping center, the Dark Portal. Then other, branching out from that, spreading like a plague.

A PLAGUE.

This scene did the author return to when after a refreshing trip to the gymnasium. Cars were everywhere; filling the parking lot, circling its passageways and surrounding streets - even before his own home, blocking parking for his own residence!

This is unforgivable.

With his father, he examined the problem, as men of Science will. They studied; found the extent of the problem, tracked pedestrians, noted illegal parking (revealing the extent of the woe); then they debated solutions.

One mode - no more valid than certain others, mind - that can be used to comprehend the problem is the framework of economics. Cars are everywhere because demand (for parking) has risen, and so options designed for the purpose (the parking lot) are exhausted, and consumers move to options with higher marginal costs for them: street parking.

The parking lot being full is not a problem for our purposes; we can walk, after all, so that matters not. Furthermore, it is a convenience to us to have the shopping center near; we, too, indulge in its services and purchase its goods! So eliminating the source of demand by, for instance, destroying the shopping centre with explosives, would simply not do; direct means deprive us of the shopping centre immediately, and indirect means 1) would require control over macroeconomic trends that could be better put to other purposes (e.g. personal enrichment) and 2) would probably force everything in the shopping centre to shut down anyway, for lack of demand. So we must address the problem from the other side: supply. Parking.

More parking cannot be readily provided; land/property values in the area are high, and obtaining licenses would be difficult. A simpler solution would be a localized one; raise the cost of parking where we are, and eliminate the problem for our purposes; though, admittedly, this would worsen it for others. If any cars that enter our area are destroyed, then very quickly, entry of cars into the area will stop as costs rise to "your car and, possibly, life." Furthermore, costs for towing away the ruined husks will be paid by the city! My advisors initially suggested a system of flamethrower turrets, placed around the area to cook any cars parked nearby. Considering their short range, however, it would be necessary to build one turret for every two to three parking spaces. Far more efficient would be to build relatively few rocket turrets; with their longer range and greater firepower, they would not only reduce costs but prevent motorists from simply equipping themselves with ablative shields to defeat the flamethrower turrets.



I do not, however, naively believe that even rocket turrets will last forever as a defense. Projecting current trends forward, eventually one-tenth of the current population of the United States will wish to visit the shopping centre (all else equal), and motorists seeking parking nearer than five miles away will invest in armoured assault vehicles to park in the Protected Zone, as the rocket-turret defended area will be named. At this point, we will have to upgrade to terawatt lasers, which will slice through their hulls like butter. (Investing in them initially would be a poor choice because 1) operating costs would be higher and 2) their costs would decrease over the intervening time. It's only economically sensible to buy rocket turrets first.)


Within years, one-half of the Earth's population will attempt to visit the shopping centre near this author's house on any given week, following those same trends. Vast zeppelins will criss-cross the sky, carrying ridiculously large numbers of people immense distances, to visit the shopping center. Important politicians will invest in hovertanks to park in the Incorporated Independant States of West Cupertino (as the terawatt-laser defended area will now be known), which will shrug off lasers like tooth floss. Indeed, they will have to do this to park anywhere within two miles, other areas having (logically) invested in similar defensive measures.
At this point, secret plans will be open, and our last weapon will be unleashed. Our dog, CHAOS THE DESTROYER (previously the exhorter) will go unto the hovertanks, and pee on them, driving them back. This will not last for long; but it will not need to. Shortly thereafter, the Last War will break out over access to the shopping center. Nuclear rain will fall, and everyone will die.

But on the plus side, this author will have been at least able to park in front of his house in the meantime.

Dang other motorist people.