Sunday, October 26, 2008


This is the tale of a map. Not a mere work of descriptive cartography, as you might find in any store or web-net site; no, this is a product prescriptive cartography, carving out a new world by will alone. It is a thing such as the world as rarely seen before. And it is a map that never has been, and may never yet be. Its name is...


The story begins with the BLU team, the aggressors of the tale. Here they lie limply, within their SPAWN ROOM, denoted by an especially lovely shade of blue. They have a truck - but it shan't be useful for this task. First, because they need to take the damn thing to a mechanic so that it'll run; second, because their objective lies beyond the two STARTING GATES, through which no truck may pass*. And what, exactly, is that objective?

The BLU objective is split into three parts. Here is the site of the first, the mine entrance, labeled "A". They must push the KART - in yellow - to the FIRST POINT, "A", in green. The kart, though heavy, is pushed along the tracks upon which it rests by the presence of BLU-team members; yes, indeed, their very presence is enough to propel it onwards. But the track is not so very long; and the BLUs need not overly exert themselves in the pushing. Why, then, do they cower at the thought of the battle ahead?

BECAUSE THEY ARE OPPOSED. The diabolical RED TEAM, spawning from the room marked in red, rush upwards to combat the BLUs - perhaps objecting to this notion of "kart-pushing." Transported from their underground base by a clever system of ELEVATORS, they battle the BLUs viciously, seeking to keep them from the KART. On some days, they may succeed. But what happens if the BLUs get the KART to the FIRST POINT?

A series of clever mechanisms are engaged, closing off all access to the elevator system, and opening up four more passageways. Two lead from the RED base to POINT TWO, "B"; two lead from A into the mines connecting A to B. This connecting area, also labeled "B", is somewhat larger and significantly more complex than A. Showing other views may help clarify the nature of the areas. Here is a view from the bottom...

...and one from the top.

At B, too, the RED team may stop the BLUs from achieving their objective, pushing the kart to the SECOND POINT. There are many places to place powerful SENTRY GUNS or deadly STICKY BOMBS; but, too, the BLUs have a number of side routes by which they may evade RED's defenses. Still, even if they do so, their work is not done.

The delivery of the KART to the SECOND POINT triggers a number of mechanisms, as it did for the FIRST POINT. RED team members are forbidden from their first SPAWN ROOM, and begin to spawn from a deeper one, pictured later. Two gates slam open; one leading to a side route, and one leading into a narrow tunnel, above.

The tunnel has little space in which to advance; defenders may reap an awful toll with ambushes around the corner or attacks from rooms above and to the sides of the tunnel, pictured. Through all this the BLUs may be hard-pressed; yet should they still prevail, there is one last obstacle course to surpass before they may deliver the kart to their FINAL OBJECTIVE, C.

The Rocket Assembly Room, "C", as viewed from the back. The track which the kart must pass along from the tunnel to C is not so long; but the second RED spawn is close by, and catwalks offer an ideal position for the REDs to rain down sniper-bullets and rockets upon the BLUs. Those catwalks are accessible to the BLUs only by a side passage, an airduct accessed from another tunnel; yet it is a narrow route, and a canny RED team will often have it guarded. Truly this is the most harrowing challenge the REDs will face.

But if they succeed, they will have the greatest joy of all: a series of vast, rippling explosions, triggered by the bomb in the KART. Everyone, BLU and RED alike, will die by fire, shockwave, or burial under tonnes of collapsing concrete and soil. Really - what more could any good BLU ask for?

*Trucks are forbidden to pass through gates by the Ancient Laws, set down at the dawn of time.

1 comment:

Kelsey said...

This is crazy comprehensive. I don't understand half of it but I'm probably impressed?