Matthew's Slushbox

Matthew is a man whose heart pumps foul black blood. His eyes project malice and hatred; his teeth are filed sharp, and drip substances better not described. He is, in short, a creature purely vile and foul. He is controlled by his slushbox. Let me describe to you his terrible deeds.

Matthew discovered a scroll written by the Buddha containing the secret to Enlightenment, took it to the Dalai Lama, and set it on fire.

Matthew stole one hundred million dollars from charity. Half of it he turned into gold so that people might be tempted to sin and worship it. The other half he used to singlehandedly fund the Klu Klux Klan, Al Qaeda, and the Satan-Worshippers of America.

On the twenty-fourth of December, Matthew killed Santa Claus - just to make children cry.

Matthew put wheels on an orphanage and a nunnery, doused them in kerosene, and crashed them into a kennel filled with every puppy on the East Coast. Then he roasted marshmallows on the flames.

And why does he do these evil, evil things? Some might say that his body odor has become sentient, and controls his every move. In fact, even his B.O. is a mere pawn of his slushbox. He bought it because he was cheap, and too lazy to learn how to drive a real car. In the night, it crept into his house and installed chips in his brain. Now he is the most evil man alive.

Foolish Matthew! Learn to drive stick!