Monday, May 11, 2009

Psionic Bears

"Individually, I cut them out from the paper, carefully tracing around the edges. I set them upright, and with a thought, I see them glow silver. They are animated - they move - by my will, they go forth to - "

"But why?"


"...Why bears?"

"Well, I've always liked them."

"Suppose that makes sense."


"So - what do you do with them, exactly?"

"I animate them, with the power of the mind, and send them forth to do battle."

"With other paper bears?"

"What? Heavens, no!"


"With the US Military, of course!"

"Of course."

"Well, you wouldn't want to go up against them with paper rats or paper voles, now would you? No! It's bears or nothing."

"What about elephants?"

"Too large. Plus, they're naturally peaceful. Don't have the killer instinct. Not like grizzlies - those things can take a half-dozen high-powered rifle rounds and still rip off your face!"

"Paper grizzlies."

"They suffer only slightly in effectiveness for the nature of their materials."

"So - what, exactly, do you have against the US Military, again?"

"Well, I'm a big fan, actually."


"But they're unprepared! They're totally unprepared for a sudden surprise attack by telekinetically-animated paper bears. They're vulnerable! Anyone could take care of this weakness - the Russians, the Chinese, the terrorists! I had to act now, before it was too late."

"To destroy the US Military?"

"No - don't you get it? To warn them!"

"You couldn't just tell them?"

"I've tried!"

"But, for some reason or other, they thought you were crazy."

"I can't understand it!"

"But now everything will be better - now that you're attacking them with your army of paper bears."

"Yes! I've saved the US from destruction! I'm a hero!"

"Hey - did I ever tell you why I came in here?"

"No, don't think so."

"Well, it's about my car, really."

"Your car? What do my bears have to do with that?"

"They wrecked it."

"What? Your car? How?"

"They stepped on it."

"But - they're made out of paper?"

"All of them."

"They're still made out of paper!"

"They still flattened it. So - your insurance information, please...?"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"Hey, mister - you're the one with the army of telekinetically-animated bears."

"But - what - no - "


"Damn it."

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