Thursday, April 09, 2009

No Reason For Alarm

In the present day, the Zhang is a fellow most alarmed.

He looks hither, thither. There a womon - but she is not naked! There another womon - but she is not having sex with him! This is dreadful. This is unbearable! This is a personal insult to both the Zhang and all he stands for. It cannot be tolerated!

So it is a good thing that the Zhang has a plan. He is a clever fellow - he is in pre-med, you know! So when he think, "if all the other men were dead, then the womons would have to have sex with me," he has both the skills and the knowledge to carry this out! He works in the laboratories, does the reading in his textbooks and on the internet (even on sites that are not Wikipedia!), and concocts a deadly virus, which he releases at a major airport. It's highly infectious for the first six months, goes into a sort of hibernation for the next six, and then - and only then - manifests, killing its victims within ten days. (If they're male.) Before then, it's virtually indetectible!

One year after the Zhang unleashed his virus, 3 billion people die. The Zhang is surprised. "It's been so long, I practically forgot!" he says, as he rests in the arms of his loving duvet. Then he dies in hideous agony!

It's okay. He planned for this! His clone-duplicate emerges from the hidden cloning-vat, flash-grown to full maturity within a twentieth of the normal time. (He set this up after finishing the disease.) "Have sex with me!" he implores.

But instead, the women use sperm stored in sperm banks and fertilize themselves, giving birth to the usual 50-50 mix of male and female babies! In eighteen years - or less - the Zhang will have competition once more! He has made a mistake!

But, of course, there is no reason this need stand for long. He goes to the labs again, and this time he emerges with a cleverly-designed retrovirus, which rewrites human DNA so that they can only concieve females! Now, within a few generations, even if scientists figure out how to create sperm in labs, they'll be unable to concieve male children - the Zhang's victory is assured! He cryogenetically preserves himself for a century, to save the wait.

When the Zhang emerges from his slumbers, there is no-one around! No-one at all. There's no electricity! (Save for that provided by the solar panels that've been maintaing his cryostasis.) No city noise! No people, nothing! Only long-abandoned buildings. Maybe it's just this area that's so empty. Maybe it's the end of the world! The Zhang is very concerned.

Briefly, he speculates that he shouldn't have committed murder on an incomprehensibly vast scale, and then permanently modified the human race, in an attempt to achieve sexual intercourse.

He dismisses the thought.

Two weeks later, the Zhang, exploring a nearby farmstead, is rather surprised to hear a voice. He wanders closer, and finds a young girl, singing to herself as she bathes in a river. Upon seeing him, she remarks in surprise (and with a rather peculiar accent), "You're the first person I've seen in five years!"

"Hello," the Zhang mumbles. He stares at his feet.

"Hello," the girl replies. "Would you like to be friends with me?"

"Will you have sex with me?" the Zhang asks, per his established priorities.

The girl considers this. "Not right now," she decides.

The Zhang prepares to flee to his room, weep bitterly, and attempt to slit his wrists with an electric razor, per his standard operating protocol. But then he remembers - he has no room! He has no electricity! And his tear ducts were sealed shut by the cryogenetic freezing process, and don't seem to have thawed properly! (He's been meaning to get around to doing something to remedy that, but there always seems to be something else to do. You know how it is.)

So instead, the Zhang doesn't run away, and he and the girl become fast friends.

A happy ending!

EDIT: Girlfriend replaced with duvet.

EDIT EDIT: I'm an idiot. Verb added to sentence lacking verb. (Ugh.)

1 comment:

Calvacadeofcats said...

i laughtd
i cride
i laughd
then i was like
then i was like
then i laughd
i cried
i was like