Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Mr. Kelsey and the Elephants

One day, while all the elephants of the Elephant village were doing macrame - as was their custom - a wild Kelsey appeared.

"HA HA HA HA HA!" the wild Kelsey yelled. "I WILL EAT YOU ALL FOR BREAKFAST, OR MAYBE FOR LUNCH! WHICH IS APPROPRIATE TO THE TIME! HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

The elephants were terrified! "Whatever can we do?" they asked. "We cannot defeat the love-power of the Kelsey, not with only our own strength! We are surely doomed!" They wailed and moaned and, should they have had hair, would surely have torn at it. What to do, what to do?

Then one rose from their ranks. "We must," he proudly declared, "shoot ourselves in the head on masse!"

This caused some confusion. The elephants conferred among themselves; one approached the speaker. "We recognize that you have travelled far to reach us," the elephant said to the other, "from the distant Other Elephant Village, so far away that we have never heard of it before; and we have accepted and sheltered and fed you in the manner dictated for the treatment of an honoured guest. But, despite all this, there are limits to our hospitality; and it is therefore perhaps meet that you explain your reasoning, for we find it difficult to concieve of any way in which shooting ourselves in the head, en masse, would improve the situation."

"Behold!" the helpful elephant cried, lifting a pistol to his head. He fired -

And with the sound of shattering glass, something -

- emerged -

- a shape, a swirling presence, something that did not belong in the world of men and beasts!

With a guttural cry, the elephant commanded it, "Scour our foes!" - and fire leapt out, and lashed forth, and the Kelsey was driven back, wailing, "Oh, man! Man! Man! The heck, man! I can't believe you did that! You really burned me, man! Man! Ow!"

"Behold!" the elephant cried triumphantly. "We can drive the dreadful Kelsey back - but we all have to act together! Now, take these," he said, handing out pistols to the elephants gathering around him. "I startled him - but he won't be beaten so easily next time. He'll be back soon - "

"RAAAR!" came a distant cry, helpfully.

"And this time, we'll all need to act together!" the elephant finished.

"Will we have to do anything special?" another elephant asked.

"No," the foreign elephant said. "Just put the muzzle to your head - and pull! But not yet," he clarified.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" the Kelsey said, tromping towards them. "I WILL EAT YOUR DELICIOUS ELEPHANT FLESH!"

"Get ready!" the elephant with the gun said, looking from side to side to be sure that the other elephants were following his directives. "All together now! Ready... PULL!"

There was a noise as of thunder. Then, slowly - sadly - the elephants, all except the foreigner - fell over.

"Ha ha ha!" the foreign 'elephant' laughed, climbing out of his elephant suit. "Yip yip yip yip yip! Stupid elephants - to believe anything a stranger tells them and then backs up with supernatural proof! Their flesh will be delicious!"

"And you're sharing it me, right?" asked the Zhang, climbing out of his Kelsey suit.

"...of course I am," Coyote said, grinning widely.

And that's why elephants don't do macrame!

2 comments:

Cavalcadeofcats said...

Outline for this post (written during Rock Band (2):

elephants doing macrame
wild Kelsey attacks!
elephant - "everyone, shoot yourself in the head!"
special effects
"okay!" all the elephants suicide
ha ha
elephant was coyote
kelsey was david
oh ho ho ho!
(they eat the elephants together!)

Just in case there was any confusion over exactly what happened.

Calvacadeofcats said...

o_O