Thursday, August 27, 2009

Coyote In the Woods

Warning: this story is rated "Coyote" for sexual imagery, language*, and suggestive content. Children, the faint of heart and Mormons may wish to abstain.

*Well, mostly just the English language, really.

That said:

Coyote was always horny! He was always thinking about copulating.

(But you knew that already, didn't you?)

One day, when Coyote was walking through the woods, he espied a beautiful young maiden.

"Ah!" he cried. "She has stolen my heart! Or something nearby. Certainly I must have intercourse with her!"

Coyote created a plan as quickly as lightning; he ran into the forest, found a dead tree, and dragged it to the path that the girl was travelling on. Then he unslung his member from over his shoulder, set its end down upon the log, and walked backwards into the woods, carefully avoiding sharp rocks, rough branches, and tripping. "Ha ha!" Coyote crowed to himself. "When the maiden spies that log - so convenient! - she will certainly sit down on it for a rest from her tiring travels. Then - yip yip yip yip yip!" Coyote was besides himself with delight.

The girl, walking along the trail, heard distant laughter. Her eyebrows went up.

"There!" said Coyote, whispering now. "I see her coming along the trail! She'll see the log in moments!"

The girl saw the log. She walked over to it. She examined the strange, bulbous mushroom growing out of the top. She considered.

"Wow, what a large mushroom this is!" she exclaimed to the surrounding woods. "And of a quite extraordinary shape, too. It looks delicious - I simply must have a taste!"

Coyote licked his lips.

"Now," she said, reaching back to her pack, "Let me just fetch my knife!"

"Yip yip yip yip!" Coyote wailed, terrified, and fled posthaste. His member dragged ignominously and painfully on the ground. "What a disaster!" he whined. "How could she have unraveled my ruse?"

Once he was in safety, Coyote stopped and pulled himself together. "She saw through me once - but no matter!" he decided. "I will simply have to use a more sophisticated trick." He considered. "Ah!" he said. "I have just the thing. Here!"

Quickly, he ran ahead of the girl once more, then donned a ragged brown robe."I will decieve her," Coyote declared. "I will pretend to be a fellow woman, travelling along the same road; and then - yip yip yip yip!"

Again, the girl heard the sound of distant laughter. She paused a moment, and then continued on.

Carefully, Coyote posed himself, leaning against at tree as though exhausted. He primped. The girl rounded the bend.

She stopped. She considered. She continued.

"Hello there, fellow traveller!" Coyote said in his highest falsetto. "Care to travel with me awhile?"

The girl tilted her head. "No reason why not, I suppose," she said agreeably. "Sure. What's your name?"

Coyote improvised rapidly. "Margaret!" he declared, still in falsetto.

"Nice to meet you, Margaret," the girl said, not the faintest hint of sarcasm in her voice. "What are you doing here, so deep in the woods?"

"I'm travelling, of course," Coyote said, falling into stride with the girl. "I'm going to the village just over that way," he said, pointing, "to peddle my wares."

"What wares are those?" the girl asked curiously.

"I sell herbal remedies," Coyote said, his voice becoming more eager. (And still in falsetto.) "I have many, all puissant and powerful cures, but there is one that is more powerful, more valuable, than all the others; a cure for whatever ails you, or so the customers tell me. A most magical herb it is. Would you like to see it?"

"Sure!" the girl agreed. "What's it called?"

"It's called the love root," Coyote said, reaching under his dress -

- but the girl's hand reached out and stopped him. "Really," she said, raising her eyebrows.

Coyote considered quickly. "...yes?" he said.

"I still have that knife," the girl said significantly. She reached for her pack.

"Yip yip yip yip!" Coyote wailed, throwing off the girl's grasp, and fled once more into the woods, discarding the dress as he went. The girl watched him depart, shrugged, and turned back to the road.

"She saw through my tricks again!" Coyote moaned. "But - I know the problem. It is that I have been using all my old tricks, all stale and moldy! These are things I have done before. It will not do! I will create a new plan, something that no-one has ever seen me do anywhere, and then - "

Coyote slapped a hand over his mouth as he began to yip. "Perhaps that is not such a good idea," he admitted.

Then he moved swiftly away by a magic way; and when he returned, minutes later, he was dressed as a great Swan, proud and white of feather. "Ha!" Coyote cried to himself, quite pleased. "No woman could reject an animal so handsome as this! I shall have my way with her, remaining disguised throughout, and never she the wiser!"

Quickly, he stalked to the trail, and there caught up to the girl, some distance from where he had seen her last. "Hello, Mr. Swan," she said. "What business are you about, this fine afternoon?"

"I have come to seduce you," said Coyote. "Admire my magnificent plumage!" He preened it.

"Those are very nice indeed," said the girl. "And on any other circumstances, I would most certainly be yours. But I regret to say that my heart is another's."

"Another's?" Coyote asked, startled. "Who? I will best him! I will beat him, I will prove myself his better in every respect, and then I will eat him! This I will do for your love!"

(Coyote held, at that time, certain misapprehensions regarding the customary diet of the Swan.)

"A proud boast," the girl observed, "But I fear you will have difficulty in fufilling it. The subject of my love is clever; strong; and proud in all things. He will not accept any challenge easily."

"Who is this creature?" Coyote asked, his neck feathers rising. "I will kill him and boil his bones for my supper! Or - gently displace him as the object of your affection," he added as an afterthought.

"Why, Coyote, of course," the girl told Coyote with a smile on her face.

Coyote took a moment to consider this.

" love Coyote?" he asked.

"Of course," the girl said. "Would I lie to such a noble beast as yourself?"

Coyote took another moment to think.

"There is no reason to love Coyote," Coyote said carefully. "He would only trick you - "

"And I would trick him right back," the girl retorted. "I have done so already twice today."

Coyote filed this away for later examination. "He would not stop at that," he said. "Coyote would steal from you; cheat on you; copulate with you - "

"For all of those, I am fully capable of reciprocation;" the girl replied hotly, "most especially that last; to which, I think, I would have no objection."

Coyote, his curiosity now knowing no bounds, indulged in an aside: "But did you not reject - ah - Coyote - most violently, earlier today?" he asked, his tail-feathers ruffling.

"This maiden must be asked, not taken," the girl said firmly. "I am glad that you, at least, seem to understand that."

"So if Coyote were to ask you - " Coyote began.

"I would accept," the girl said.

"But why?" Coyote asked, entirely without comprehension. "When he would lie to you, cheat on you, turn your genitals into an aphrodisiac after your death - why would you consent to be with such a creature?"

"This last, I will confess, I did not anticipate," the girl said, "and I might object - but, being dead at the time, what would it matter to me? For the rest, though, the answer is simple. I have thought on it betimes, and I will answer thus: what more exciting life, in all the world, could there be - than wife of Coyote?" the girl asked, and her eyes burned bright at the thought.

At this Coyote turned away, conceding defeat and victory both; in the forest he shed his Swan-costume, and stood naked beneath the trees.

"She loves me," Coyote said to himself, disbelieveing. "She loves me! The greatest trick of all - and I all unknowing of its performance!" He stood there a while longer -

- and had it been in his nature, perhaps, he would have wept then.

But instead Coyote bent his head upwards, toward the sky, and cried out, triumph pure within his voice, "I get to copulate with a womon!"

"More than once!" he added after a moment, and his cries of delight, yip yip yip yip!, echoed through the woods.

And the descendants of the two would spread through the world, and thrive, and multiply, as their natures let them; and in time, when men at last found themselves in need of names both first and last, one scion of that far-spread clan chose for themself the name Fynbergh; or Finbirg; or Feinberg, as the customs of the time had it. And they carried with them this story, of Coyote and his wife;

and the blood of Coyote runs strong in them still, even to this day; or so they claim, and I am inclined to believe them, for their ways are most tricksome indeed.


joppa said...

this was the story of my life until the 43° paragraf, then i became quiet jelous of that mann

joppà said...

the was the best story in the world