Monday, June 08, 2009

the story of His Balls

king nikolas
was the king of a small villege
in africa
and one day
a strange man came to his kingdom
and he was wearing strange furs
and shiny jewles
and the man said
i want to see the king of your tribe
and they took him to king nikolas
and the stranger said
i have with me the greatest spear in all the lands
it will pierce the flesh of any beast
or any man
whom you deem your enema
and he said
whom you deem your enema
You said it, not me!
But carry on.
then the stranger said
i will demonstrate of this
that is over there
and he threw the spear upon the wildebeest
and he pierced the thing
and then he cut it ip
and butchered it
and then
the hung it up to dry
in the sun
and king nikolas said
what do you want
for the spear
and he said you must give me
twenty virgins
from your tribe
and king nikolas did that
and he took the spear
and the was very excited
and he went out to the hunt
and he killed many warthogs
and he became prideful
and haughty
and then
he saw a bug
and he said
this is my chance
to finallly take down
that ostirch
and he took his spear and he threw
with all his mite
Man, I hate that ostrich.
So cocky!
All preening and strutting around all the time.
About time I finally got around to killing it!
and he said
this is my chance
to finallly take down
that ostirch
that ostirch
(But carry on.)
(I'm expecting some Greek tragedy, here!)
(The ostrich is actually my wife, or my son, or my brother, or my father.)
(Or all of the above.)
(Well, probably not all of the above.)
the spear flew thru the air
but before it came to the
it fell from the air
and shattered
into a milion poeces
on the ground
and king nikolas was enraged
he said
that lout
he sold me what a defecteive spear
i will hang him fhlesh
for that
and he ran back to his village
Wait, it just exploded in midair?
Man, I'd pay extra for a spear like that!
(Also, is this an allegory?)
For my laptop-woes!
o yea
i guess
See, my laptop also exploded into a million pieces.
After I paid twenty virgins for it.
so he ran back to
his villege
and he gathered
10 myrmidons
10 mercenaries
othen he found the scoundrel
at another village
and he said
you crook
you theif
how dare you sell me such
a spear
and the stranger said
plese king nikolas
allow me to explain
you see
when you threw the spear
at the ostrich
it was actually
in my true form
i had to use my magic
to break the spear
king nikolas was astoniched
he said
you must deliver unto me
a spear of the same might
as the one
that you gave me
and the ostrich man said
king nikolas
i must tell you
that the spear i gave you
was not imbued with the holy magick
for it was
that you believed in it
and yourself
that gave you the might
to slay the wart hog
it was a spear of the most ordinary sort
and king nikolas was much surporsed
I'm pretty sure that still makes him a scoundrel, though.
Well, if he sold me an ordinary spear for 20 virgins.
Sorry -
"a spear of the most ordinary sort".
how else is he gonna get laid
The scoundrel-dude?
It is true that King Nikolas had many virgins.
You're saying he's a sort of Robin Hood!
Taking from the rich, and giving to... himself.
ok fine
so then
king nikolas went back
to his village
and he used the spear technique
to train his myrmidons
and mercenaries
and he became the most powerful
No, I'm not complaining!
and then
I'm just trying to make this a sort of collaborative effort.
Show that I'm listening, eh?
how off
Or... reading.
the stranger
smiled to himseld
and laughed
and the took out the satchel that was attached
to his loin
and he unrolled his penis
and threw it over his shoulder
and he went back home
in a magic way
taking his virgins with him

1 comment:

Cavalcadeofcats said...

To clarify, for new readers: this story was told in an IM-conversation. The occasional interjections are from the other party in the conversation. (Me.)

Also, as I said at the time: Hooray, Coyote!