Friday, October 16, 2009

In the grim darkness of the far future, a man contemplates the bleakness of his own life, wailing over the thousand sorrows the assail him, weeping at the indignities he suffers. And we mock him for it; bccause, in the end, he is no more and no less than a silly Zhang.

look
how do you tell
if like
someone
doesnt like you

Are they spitting on you, or in your path?
That would be a clue!
Otherwise it is a nontrivial problem and I am not sure I can help.

man
crazy

look
i will decribe
the situation
ok so
on friday i went to class
and there was a dude on my chair
so i sat next to that womon
and it was ok

(There is a woman for whom he pines,
seated near him in his al-chemistry class;
yet with her he cannot sit,
save unless he is given some excuse!)

(So tragic.)

then
on monday
there was no one there
but
i sat up there again
and i said some things
and it was ok

(A boldness!)

(A daring!)

(Certain to win the lady's heart.)

then
on tuesday
i did the same thing
and it was still pretty ok
but
not as much as monday

(All right, truthfully: that's a little odd.)

then
on wednesday
i did it again
and then
it was less cool
and
she was always looking away from me
like
at a really sharp angle
and like
i said some things to her
and she was like yea
uh huh
and
then
at the end of class
like
i went up to her
and i was like
hey do you want
to study
or something
and then she was like
maybe
i have like
some friends
or something
and then she said she might email me
but then
she didnt

(How can this be?)

(Have the lady's affections for our hero...
faded?)

(How can this
be?)

so then
on friday
i went to class
and then
i decided to sit up there again
and i thought
ok i will not say anything
and see if she talk to me
and then
she didnt
so that was that

(The tale grows grim indeed, dear readers!)

and then
on the next monday
i went back to my old chair
and
she did not notice
so that was that

(From this point on, readers may find the tale... unbearably dark. Like a black cat in a soot-filled black paint factory! Beware, those of sensitive tastes. From this point on, there is no going back!)

(Unless you start reading backwards, I guess.)

(But that's just be odd.)

look
so then on tuesday
i went to class again
and i sat in my old seat
and she did not look at me
or antyhing
so i thought
ok forget it

(Almost as though her attention was on the class itself, unlike our hero! (Why is he even in this class, anyway?))

then
in my next class
there was this womon
that i usually talk to
and she was like
nice and whatnot
and then i was like
im not going to say anything to her
and see if she talks to me

(A brilliant ploy! This will be a foolproof test of her feelings! Because if she doesn't talk to our hero, it will mean - that she hates him!)

(Or that she's busy, or that she thinks he's snubbing her, or any number of other things.)

(BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT CARRY ON)

and then
she did not
and then class was over
and i left
and
nothing happened

(It is always good to note when nothing happens. Otherwise, you mightn't notice!)

so then
on wedmesday
i did the same thing
and nothing happened
and then
i thought
ok i will try to talk to that womon who has
a boy firen
again

(She has a boyfriend.)

and then
i sent her a email
that day
and she did not respond
that day
on thursday
i didnt have class
so then
i sent her another email
that was like
hey im free
do you want to hang out
and then
there was not answer
that day

(Little does Mr. Zhang know that his internet connection was severed weeks ago!)

then
on friday
i went to class again
and i did not talk to anybody
in any class
and nothing happened

(Another useful note.)

and i still did not get a email
so then i thought
ojk
look
i should go
and see if there are any womons
that i can hit on
in any of my classes

(A valid goal! (Maybe.))

and there was this girl
in my math class
and she was hot
but
i did not know her
at all
or
ever talk to her
or anything
so i thought
ok
i can try to leave at the same time as her
and like
smile
at her
or something
but
she left with a larger
group of men
that surrounded her

(Dear readers: I must confess. I have read ahead. Brace yourself: this is the most magnificent piece of writing in the entire post.)

Are you ready?

All right. Go ahead. Do not forget to
savor the moment.

like
a ionic compound
that was solvated
in watter
or
a metal
that was coordinated
at 6 ligands

Mmm. Delightful!

and then
i tried to follow her
but i was going to be late
for my next class
so i didnt

He was planning to murder the men with a knife!

so then
on the weekend
i thought
ok i can party with those guys again
like last time
but then
they were all like
hey we all got into fraternities
unlike you
so
you know
we are going to do stuff there
and be cool
so
i didnt do anything
over the week end

logic

then
on monday
i went to classa
again
and i saw that womon
in my math class
and this time
she left by herself
and i took that chance
so i went into the hall
with her
and i said hi
and she was like
looked at me
with a funny look
and walked past
me
and then i thought
ok
well
that is that

reference link

then
i went to my next class
and
the next one

The meticulous chronology is one of the many things that sets the inestimable Mr. Zhang's chronology apart from that of his many rivals.

and
then i went to lab
and i thought
ok
i can talk to that stoner guy
who is next to me
usually
but
he was stoned

Logical!

and hung over
and
he was saying
rude things
to me
so i thought
ok
thats that

This is Mr. Zhang's catchphrase.

and then
i finished the lab
and it was night time
and i went home
and then
i thought
ok
i can hang out
with my room mates
but then
they were not there
and later that night
they came back
and he said
o we went to this cool thing
without you

oh noooooooo

so i didnt do anything
that night
then
on tuesday
i went to class
again
and then
i got my tutouring assignment

(Mr. Zhang is becoming a tutor! Even in real life! It is crazytimes.)

and i thought
hey this is cool
and it was a womon
and i thought whoa cool
and then
i went to the meeting place
to work
with her
and she was like
not there
but then
she came
and i was like
hi
and she was like
hey
and then
she got her cellular
phone
and she called some people

This is slightly odd.

and like
then
i was like
do you have
any questions
and she was like
yeaeh
and she like
gave me
her homowork
and she was like
can you do this for me

She is an excellent student!

and then
she got on the phone agagin
with
her boy friend
and she was talking to him
and then
i was working
on the homowork

This is basically the root of all of Mr. Zhang's fictional problems. Maybe even some of the real ones. Hard to be sure.

and then
the time was up
and she took ait
and left
and she did not say anything
so then
i went home
again
and i thought
ok
thats that

The catchphrase is used - but this time, it is more ominous than ever!

and then
on wednesday
i did not come
to class
but nobody noticed

aww

and then
on friday
i was not in class
either
and nobody noticed

Wait, hm. This seems inconsistent. What about that stoner guy? Wouldn't he notice.

...I guess he could've been stoned.

(For days on end.)

Carry on.

and then the midterm came
and
the techer noticed that i did not take it
and he said what is going on
but
they could not contact me

Oh no! Did Mr. Zhang forget to leave his cell phone on?

and then
they went to look for me in my room
and i was there
dead
with a gun in my hand
the end

Oh gosssssssssssssssh

(This is of course entirely unrealistic because it is hard to get a firearm, especially if you are living in the middle of nowhere. Is there even a gun shop in Dartmouth-Towne? It seems unlikely.)

(Also because Mr. Zhang is both talented and well-liked, and would never be driven to such dark extremes in "real life".)

(Unless he felt driven to it by his paranoid imagination...)

(What's the number for Dartmouth emergency psychiatric services, now?)

2 comments:

Calvacadeofcats said...

i laughed out loud
several times

Cavalcadeofcats said...

I was more successful than I expected, then!