In the grim darkness of the far future, a man contemplates the bleakness of his own life, wailing over the thousand sorrows the assail him, weeping at the indignities he suffers. And we mock him for it; bccause, in the end, he is no more and no less than a silly Zhang.

look

how do you tell

if like

someone

doesnt like you

Are they spitting on you, or in your path?

That would be a clue!

Otherwise it is a nontrivial problem and I am not sure I can help.

man

crazy

look

i will decribe

the situation

ok so

on friday i went to class

and there was a dude on my chair

so i sat next to that womon

and it was ok

(There is a woman for whom he pines,
seated near him in his al-chemistry class;
yet with her he cannot sit,
save unless he is given some excuse!)

(So tragic.)

then

on monday

there was no one there

but

i sat up there again

and i said some things

and it was ok

(A boldness!)

(A daring!)

(Certain to win the lady's heart.)

then

on tuesday

i did the same thing

and it was still pretty ok

but

not as much as monday

(All right, truthfully: that's a little odd.)

then

on wednesday

i did it again

and then

it was less cool

and

she was always looking away from me

like

at a really sharp angle

and like

i said some things to her

and she was like yea

uh huh

and

then

at the end of class

like

i went up to her

and i was like

hey do you want

to study

or something

and then she was like

maybe

i have like

some friends

or something

and then she said she might email me

but then

she didnt

(How can this be?)

(Have the lady's affections for our hero... faded?)

(How can this be?)

so then

on friday

i went to class

and then

i decided to sit up there again

and i thought

ok i will not say anything

and see if she talk to me

and then

she didnt

so that was that

(The tale grows grim indeed, dear readers!)

and then

on the next monday

i went back to my old chair

and

she did not notice

so that was that

(From this point on, readers may find the tale... unbearably dark. Like a black cat in a soot-filled black paint factory! Beware, those of sensitive tastes. From this point on, there is no going back!)

(Unless you start reading backwards, I guess.)

(But that's just be odd.)

look

so then on tuesday

i went to class again

and i sat in my old seat

and she did not look at me

or antyhing

so i thought

ok forget it

(Almost as though her attention was on the class itself, unlike our hero! (Why is he even in this class, anyway?))

then

in my next class

there was this womon

that i usually talk to

and she was like

nice and whatnot

and then i was like

im not going to say anything to her

and see if she talks to me

(A brilliant ploy! This will be a foolproof test of her feelings! Because if she doesn't talk to our hero, it will mean - that she hates him!)

(Or that she's busy, or that she thinks he's snubbing her, or any number of other things.)

(BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT CARRY ON)

and then

she did not

and then class was over

and i left

and

nothing happened

(It is always good to note when nothing happens. Otherwise, you mightn't notice!)

so then

on wedmesday

i did the same thing

and nothing happened

and then

i thought

ok i will try to talk to that womon who has

a boy firen

again

(She has a boyfriend.)

and then

i sent her a email

that day

and she did not respond

that day

on thursday

i didnt have class

so then

i sent her another email

that was like

hey im free

do you want to hang out

and then

there was not answer

that day

(Little does Mr. Zhang know that his internet connection was severed weeks ago!)

then

on friday

i went to class again

and i did not talk to anybody

in any class

and nothing happened

(Another useful note.)

and i still did not get a email

so then i thought

ojk

look

i should go

and see if there are any womons

that i can hit on

in any of my classes

(A valid goal! (Maybe.))

and there was this girl

in my math class

and she was hot

but

i did not know her

at all

or

ever talk to her

or anything

so i thought

ok

i can try to leave at the same time as her

and like

smile

at her

or something

but

she left with a larger

group of men

that surrounded her

(Dear readers: I must confess. I have read ahead. Brace yourself: this is the most magnificent piece of writing in the entire post.)

Are you ready?

All right. Go ahead. Do not forget to savor the moment.

like

a ionic compound

that was solvated

in watter

or

a metal

that was coordinated

at 6 ligands

Mmm. Delightful!

and then

i tried to follow her

but i was going to be late

for my next class

so i didnt

He was planning to murder the men with a knife!

so then

on the weekend

i thought

ok i can party with those guys again

like last time

but then

they were all like

hey we all got into fraternities

unlike you

so

you know

we are going to do stuff there

and be cool

so

i didnt do anything

over the week end

logic

then

on monday

i went to classa

again

and i saw that womon

in my math class

and this time

she left by herself

and i took that chance

so i went into the hall

with her

and i said hi

and she was like

looked at me

with a funny look

and walked past

me

and then i thought

ok

well

that is that

reference link

then

i went to my next class

and

the next one

The meticulous chronology is one of the many things that sets the inestimable Mr. Zhang's chronology apart from that of his many rivals.

and

then i went to lab

and i thought

ok

i can talk to that stoner guy

who is next to me

usually

but

he was stoned

Logical!

and hung over

and

he was saying

rude things

to me

so i thought

ok

thats that

This is Mr. Zhang's catchphrase.

and then

i finished the lab

and it was night time

and i went home

and then

i thought

ok

i can hang out

with my room mates

but then

they were not there

and later that night

they came back

and he said

o we went to this cool thing

without you

oh noooooooo

so i didnt do anything

that night

then

on tuesday

i went to class

again

and then

i got my tutouring assignment

(Mr. Zhang is becoming a tutor! Even in real life! It is crazytimes.)

and i thought

hey this is cool

and it was a womon

and i thought whoa cool

and then

i went to the meeting place

to work

with her

and she was like

not there

but then

she came

and i was like

hi

and she was like

hey

and then

she got her cellular

phone

and she called some people

This is slightly odd.

and like

then

i was like

do you have

any questions

and she was like

yeaeh

and she like

gave me

her homowork

and she was like

can you do this for me

She is an excellent student!

and then

she got on the phone agagin

with

her boy friend

and she was talking to him

and then

i was working

on the homowork

This is basically the root of all of Mr. Zhang's fictional problems. Maybe even some of the real ones. Hard to be sure.

and then

the time was up

and she took ait

and left

and she did not say anything

so then

i went home

again

and i thought

ok

thats that

The catchphrase is used - but this time, it is more ominous than ever!

and then

on wednesday

i did not come

to class

but nobody noticed

aww

and then

on friday

i was not in class

either

and nobody noticed

Wait, hm. This seems inconsistent. What about that stoner guy? Wouldn't he notice.

...I guess he could've been stoned.

(For days on end.)

Carry on.

and then the midterm came

and

the techer noticed that i did not take it

and he said what is going on

but

they could not contact me

Oh no! Did Mr. Zhang forget to leave his cell phone on?

and then

they went to look for me in my room

and i was there

dead

with a gun in my hand

the end

Oh gosssssssssssssssh

(This is of course entirely unrealistic because it is hard to get a firearm, especially if you are living in the middle of nowhere. Is there even a gun shop in Dartmouth-Towne? It seems unlikely.)

(Also because Mr. Zhang is both talented and well-liked, and would never be driven to such dark extremes in "real life".)

(Unless he felt driven to it by his paranoid imagination...)

(What's the number for Dartmouth emergency psychiatric services, now?)