Sunday, September 13, 2009

Lord Wormsnake's Evil Plot (& assoc. miscellanea)

Lord Wormsnake rose, cackling. His black-gloved hands shaped them into claws; unearthly energies sheathed them. "I will destroy... THE WIGGLES!" he shouted, and a cry of woe followed.

Belshazzar, Lord Wormsnake's cat and evil minion, looked up. Slowly, he yawned, and licked his fur. Then he deigned to respond. "The Wiggles?" he asked.

"The Wiggles!" Lord Worsnake declaimed dramatically. "A children's musical group formed in Sydney, Australia in the distant past year of NINE-TEEN NINETY ONE. They're educating children to good moral virtues, making them less suitable for use in my invincible earth-conquering army. They must be stopped! Also, they've earned seventeen gold, twelve platinum, three double-platinum, and ten multi-platinum awards for sales of over 17 million DVDs and four million CDs," Lord Wormsnake noted as an aside. "A high-value target!"

"Are Wikipedia trawls really the proper method of selecting targets for your Evil Plots?" Belshazzar inquired.

"Irrelevant," Lord Wormsnake dismissed. "I am off - TO DESTROY THE WIGGLES!" He cackled. Further cries of woe rose from the speakers Lord Wormsnake had installed beneath the floorboards.

"Don't forget to get some milk while you're out," Belshazzar reminded Lord Wormsnake lazily.

But Lord Wormsnake had no chance to do any such thing - for it was barely five minutes later that he was confronted by PAN-OMNI-TEAM, universal purveyors of PURE JUSTICE! (By mechanism of giant robot.)

"HALT, EVILDOER!" their leader, STAR RANGER, shouted. "We, the PAN-OMNI-TEAM, will halt your vile schemes!"

"Ha!" Lord Wormsnake laughed, drawing up his hands. Glowing energy wrapped around them, pulsing and fluxing. "You pint-sized pile of miniature munchkins think you can stop me? It is I, Lord Wormsnake, Future Master of All the Cosmos! I have barely begun this plan, and the likes of you shall not - "

He paused.

"Wait," Lord Wormsnake said, a note of confusion entering his voice. "I never announced my evil plan. How did you guys find out about it?"

"Ubiquitious surveillance, durr," SUNSTRIDER (another PAN-OMNI-TEAM-member) taunted. "We're watching everyone, everywhere, at all times - even when they think they're alone. Especially then! That way, we stop crime before it even starts."

"Yeah!" LUNAR GUARDIAN agrees. "We're like those Future Police guys, from that one movie with the sweet holograms and the hover-cars! So rad."

Lord Wormsnake appeared unconvinced. "I think there might be something wrong here," he observed. "I mean, you're creating a police state in an attempt to stop crime? Rampant violation of privacy, without the consent of the public... I mean, obviously, I'm fine with police states, though ideally with me at their head, but I've had thought that you would - "

"Hey! Wormsnake!" SUNSTRIDER rather rudely interrupted. "You. Villain. Us. Heroes. Stopping you. Justified!" Then he fired a giant laser-beam at Lord Wormsnake!

"Gosh dang," Lord Wormsnake sighed, leaping aside. A giant warping energy-bubble flew overhead, crushing a small building. Later, it exploded.

"Okay, another question," Lord Wormsnake shouted, firing a wave of flying, wiggling energy-snakes in all directions. PAN-OMNI-TEAM retaliated. "So, you guys are fighting me. Splendid. Fine. But you're heroes, right? Dedicated to the established order? How do you justify all this rampant property damage?"

"Better a few smashed houses and exploded office buildings than that your evil plan is accomplished!" LUNAR GUARDIAN replied defiantly. "You were going to kill people! What's money, compared to that?"

"What?" Lord Wormsnake asked, surprised. He dodged a laser bullet. "I wasn't going to kill anyone! I was just going to destroy the Wiggles. You know, spread rumours, plant false evidence, tear them apart as a group, etc, etc. I'm not a murderer!"

LUNAR GUARDIAN wavered. "Gosh," he said. "That's actually pretty plausible. Now, well - I'm torn!"

"Don't be, LUNAR!" STAR RANGER shouted. "It's a trick on your mind! He's trying to use the same ruses with us as he just described - to divide us, and then conquer us!"

"You're right, STAR RANGER!" LUNAR GUARDIAN agreed. "Now - let's defeat Lord Wormsnake, once and for all!"

"Curses!" Lord Wormsnake shouted. "But I'm not defeated yet. Come - shatter my ULTIMATE DEFENSE, if you can!" And about him rose the likeness of a shield, and a wall, and a sword which pointed each way; and all about him was the numinance of the power of Lord Wormsnake, He That Consumeth the Earth.

PAN-OMNI-TEAM fired a giant laser at Lord Wormsnake. He vanished.

"Ha!" STAR RANGER laughed nervously, relieved. "Another victory for PAN-OMNI TEAM!"

"...did we just kill him?" LUNAR GUARDIAN asked. "Like, to death? We don't usually do that. It seems bad."

"Fools!" the voice of Lord Wormsnake laughed, seeming to come from every direction at once. "You have but empowered me - turning me invisible, so that I might escape your attacks! A ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!"

"Blast! Dang you, Lord Wormsnake!" STAR RANGER cried, giant-robot-fist upraised to the heavens. "We'll catch you! We'll catch you yet!"

Some months later, the Wiggles dissolved, claiming "irresolvable creative differences" between the members of the band. Small children all over the earth mourned. Lord Wormsnake's plans of world domination, to his exasperation, appeared largely unaffected.


Calvacadeofcats said...

that was extremeley bizzzzare

Cavalcadeofcats said...

Thank you! I try.

(Explanation: When I went to the gymnasium today, one of the televisions, unusually, was displaying some bizarre children's television show. A cartoon. So I made something almost completely unrelated, save perhaps in tone.)