Of the Oracle Shards

The ancients told us that it was the gift of God to man; the Oracle Shards, sacred purple artefacts of an age better than that in which we live, a tool for divining and prophecy. But no longer do we follow their lies; God is dead, Man is the new God. And still may the Oracle Shards serve us, a tool for a new age.

Behold! Let the oracle shards be spread, to answer the question: "Should we have pizza for lunch?"

Oh, how do they glitter! We must interpret their sacred wisdom individually; not together, but in parts, must we parse them; for the power inherent in their combination would (and did!) shatter minds. First: the smallest Shard, to the north. Its direction is to the north-east, crossing the West-Middle Current of the Swirling Aether-Stream; this clearly indicates that the sphere of Jupiter is waning, which is associated with darkness. Oil is dark, cars run on oil, so the answer to our question has something to do with cars.

The second shard is larger, below and to the right of the first. It points downwards, towards Hell; hell is filled with fire, fire is associated with warmth and comfort (in the manner of a fire-place), cushions are comfortable, so we need a car with soft upholstery. The third shard lies partially atop the second, indicating they occupy the same part of the sentence, the Adjective. But it points in a somewhat different direction, almost as though it is but the other shard, rotated. Rotation is equivalent to turning, the word "Turbo" means "to turn or spin", and so the car must be not only well-upholstered, but turbocharged.

The fourth shard is essential; as the first three shards determine the object of the sentence, the fourth shard determines the verb. It at first lies sideways, in the shadow of the arm-rest of my chair, clearly indicating possession. But the art of interpreting the Oracle Shards is no static thing; even my cat, who, even as I wrote, ate the fourth Oracle Shard, must be included in the interpretation. The shard was taken from my possession; this clearly indicates theft. Therefore, as my cat helped us learn, we must steal a turbo-charged car with cushioned upholstery.

To a better future!