The Harmonious Concordance

(As in years past, the week of the finals has arrived (in Nikolasland, at least) - so, as the seasons turn and the leaves fall, the posts of Nikolas become short. Forgive him.)

Citizens of the Harmonious Concordance: pay heed. This is an official announcement from the People's Committee for the Forwarding of Minor Purposes, per Diktat Thirteen.

Previous business: the reorganization of the womens' washrooms is proceeding at 96% of its projected optimality potential. We appreciate your assistance, and will therefore unlock butterscotch rations for the next five days. Never cease to Further the Purpose, in ways small or large!

The matter at hand. Our Citizens-At-Large have reported dangerous levels of degenerate activity in the population at large. This is a rise in a specific activity: goat-slapping. It must end.

Statistics indicate that goat-slapping has increased 32767% over the previous quarter. At least 1 goats have been slapped, with known perpetrators including: [null].

This increase is intolerable! All citizens are hereby directed to devote their fullest attentions to the eradication of all goat-slapping, across the entirety of the Harmonious Concordance! To do otherwise is to risk the fate of our civilization.

Failure will be punished by mass enucleation.

People's Committee for the Forwarding of Minor Purposes Automatic Coordinator, signing out.

Remember: Always brush your teeth!